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i wonder if it's some sign from God. maybe i shouldn't look too much into it. but somehow, the 'similarities' are a tad unsettling. *shrug* maybe it's a shout out to keep my eyes peeled and my heart open.
well. in my understanding of our existence, i can only hope.
Say (All I Need)
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
Well, all I need Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest My head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it
Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold
I said I all I need Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest My head
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)
Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it
- OneRepublic -
was just chatting with someone from dance.
i lamented that i feel too 'different' for the choreographers in the group i'm in. and she commented that i always think that way and should get past that.
i'm trying to get past such thinking. but i'm always caught in this trap. of feeling like the outsider. like i belong somewhere else. always. always. i can't seem to shed this mentality. and i can just cry thinking about it.
sigh. i guess that's where i desperately cling on to the notion that i would have someone who'd be my rock. to be there for me. instead of me for me all the time.
*shrug* the more i think, the more it consumes me.
i don't quite know what to blog about. so why have a blog? i think i tend to have more posts when i was in my tormented phase. at least i think so. more emotions and confused thoughts to pour out.
it's like when you're pretty happy with your life, what can you possibly blog about which isn't terribly trivial?
*shrug*
as i've said. i blog so i can somehow remember what happened during different points in my life. and hell. typing away is far easier than writing. i tried keeping a diary recently. the interest died after two weeks at most. go figure.
someone commented that i still looked like a supporter of e ruling party in my get up last sat.
oh well. at least i tried my best to look like an 'angelic' emo kid. hurhur.
unfortunately, the both of us didn't seem to be able to liven up the audience. segment dragged on for 25 min. 15 min longer than our alloted time. oh well.
the black and white theme reminded me of henry and vanessa from sytycd au. they had to choreograph a dance based on a song of their choice. which was limited to picking one out of three. and yeah. it was mj's song. check the dance out. i think they were quite innovative in trying to incorporate their individual dance backgrounds into their piece. (he's a ballroom dancer. she's a ballerina.) nonetheless, i feel rhys and jemma created the best dance out of the six pairs. anyhoo. i've gone off tangent.
and oh guess what? after dance prac, i went to meet harris at the usual spot where he and his friends meet up. but since another group of guys (who all look younger than me) has taken root there, i sat nearer to the bus stop to wait for him. i guess wearing white really made me stand out at night. (hah!) and somehow, one of the guys wanted my number.
as i told harris after he came, "once they see my face, they'd probably tell me they got the wrong person". hurhur.
line from imogen heap's 'the moment i said it'
i feel like i should shut up. be a recluse. stone faced segala. like i should start hiding again.
gotta learn to shut my trap and not be so obvious.
it's been only a year and i can't quite stand it. is it me? do i have this constant 'one year itch'?
why am i so bothered? why?
cos of my phone. i've been cropping vids and converting them. it's been a frenzy. from what i've read, the phone can take max 2gb external memory. bleargh. i guess a trip down to pearl's centre one of these days.
had another migraine this morning. went to see the doc. got an mc. came home. and finally managed to update the blog. ain't much. but it's a start.
guess i'm not the only one.
this stomper was actually incredulous enough to highlight his own encounter to the online community.
in my case, it was a saturday night after a short dance prac. (only five of us turned up. go figure.) with the new iris system, i found out that 502 would only arrive after approximately 47 minutes. (roughly the length of time the bus journey home would take). since the other two (who i was hangin out with after prac) were at another bus stop, i decided to just pop over and chit-chat until they catch their bus.
they boardeded their bus. i walked over to my bus stop. i reckoned i had another 10-15 minutes of waiting. but wonderfully enough, i waited for only a few minutes before 502 came.
guess it wasn't really 47 minutes.
but i don't blame the stomper if he didn't wait to find out.
i watched Jaimie Goodwin's solo to this song. it may not have touched many people. but i was moved by her piece. especially after knowing her back story. reading opinions and observations about her also made the experience even more surreal. the sense of loss and longing is quite acute. so poignant. *sigh* i'm a sucker for such things. yes, yes. i admit to it once again.
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One Moment More
Hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
And show me all the reasons you would stay
It's just enough to feel your breath on mine
To warm my soul and ease my mind
You've got to hold me and show me now
Give me just one part of you to cling to
And keep me everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me
Tell me that someday you'll be returning
And maybe
Maybe I'll believe
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really far
It's just enough to see a shooting star
To know you're never really gone
Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe
So hold me
Even though I know you're leaving
-Mindy Smith-
some interviewer: what's your favourite curse word?
randy blythe: fuuuuuuck!! fuck!!
gotta love him.
although not completely debilitated by recent events, i was nonetheless quite perturbed.
*sigh* unsettling. i dont know what other synonyms there are out there to fully describe what i am feeling. unease? uncomfortable? vulnerable? i dont know...
it started out as some defiant act of petulance. well, i guess toying with the idea actually constitutes an actual action. (it's damn cliche but) it WAS such a damn damn rollercoaster ride at the beginning. i felt so insecure that i harboured thoughts of jumping ship. of 'greener pastures'. of who-the-hell-gives-a-damn-i-can-do-whatever-i-want-since-he-did-it-first. or at least that was the mantra replaying in my head.
i can understand the need for attention. for some sort of validation. even if minute. when you have just lost all vestige of self-esteem, anything looks good.
so i thought i wanted it. maybe i encouraged such an idea. maybe i thought it validated my existence. as a person. as a female.
but time passed. and things looked up. naturally, there are the small tiffs and squabbles and disagreements. but generally, things were good. there was great banter. loads of laughter. freaking fun moments. it was such a hoot. in short, it was happening.
there wasn't any need to try to be a certain way to impress. it was natural. it was unassuming. it was cool. it was relaxed. it was just chill. it was damn comfortable.
so i lost interest in that defiant act of petulance. no longer did it hold any appeal. it was no longer even a question of right or wrong because of the current situation. it was just blah. i couldnt care less. like it was too freaking strange-funny to contemplate. and that was what i felt. i dont see it as setting of boundaries. just the unnaturalness of it all turns me off. too odd to be taken seriously.
i guess i was naive. maybe having had too much fun and laughter made me think it would always be like that. but it wasnt. it was quite offputting. too odd. too yeeech. i admit to being emo. but hell. i think what i truly need is someone who listens. not gooey touchy feely shit. dammit. i dont really know. all i know is that is was unnerving and damn uncomfortable.
i wasnt offended. just a tad disgusted. if i gave the wrong impression before. well that was my fault. too bad the signals were all wrong. i was dumb and naive. shucks. i act the way i do to express my inner feelings not some obscure wants. ah dammit. i'm typing in circles.
maybe it was too abrupt of me. but i just had to leave. to go away. to be free. to be alone. my emotional state of mind can be so damn fragile at times.
such.a.dumbass. and for the.second.time.
bloody hell. i doubt i'll be third time 'lucky'.
dont be a dumbass, bitch.
fuck.
yes. i am desperately trying to finish up assignments. i can't concentrate on one thing. i somehow need to be doing lots of things at any one time, especially when i'm on the computer. i'd have like at least 4 Mozilla tabs open while 2 essential programs are running, trying to burn video files onto dvds, erasing unwanted files, listening to music, scanning the computer, blah blah.
so yes. i was looking up for relevant info to help with my assignment. it so happens i'm trying to get a better idea of how the freak synopsis, treatment and script differ. was googling on sample synopsis and came across a site with quite a few samples.
my reaction after reading some of them?
O M G
d i s g u s t i n g
it's not lewd or anything or what la. just plain sappy and mushy and eeky and gross and yech!! why are there romantic stories?? eeks! so cliche like. so so so so unbelievable. i quote "he is fire. she is water. together they make steam."
i'm too grossed out to even laugh! oklah. i AM emo and all that. ( i just came across a new term today EHM - emotionally high maintenance) i think i can be quite EHM. but the synopses i've read! those take the cake!! i mean, i mean. are guys like that in real-life?? do they submit themselves to women in such a fashion?? yeeeechhhhh!!
quite put off really. but i am desperately trying to get ideas on how to even start! eeeks.
FINALLY, i scroll to the top of the page and realised it's sample synopses for romance writers!! oh gosh. that explains the too many couple stories. what the freak did i just subject myself to?? NEXT!
hooked on this song. oh yay. sytycd 3 consuming my life at the mo. *sigh* i need a life.
i feel so unaccomplished. i can't motivate myself. stalling...stalling...
trust me on this one
you're gonna throw it all away
with no hesitation
it's not that i don't believe in your sincerity. it's easier to expect or believe in the worst. better still, not have any expectations. i realised that by having no expectations, it's a good way to stay sane. however, that said, i still find it easier to expect the worst with you.
your words just rang true that day. i don't know how i never came to realise it. sincerity. after all the lies and fucked up stories i was fed after you came into my life, sincerity is so damn bloody important and nearly impossible for me to believe that in anyone. i may trust people superficially but otherwise i can say i have real issues with it. that's how i am. i'm unsure if it is due to my upbringing or just pessimistic me. somehow, there must be some root cause. whatever it is, those three (?) years definitely thrashed whatever vestige of self-esteem i ever had. you were the only one (guy) who came closest to gaining my trust. someone who genuinely cared. (granted there was another girlfriend but i guess we drifted apart and i pessimistically lost hope in anyone. and that warrants another thread i guess.) true, i got over you pretty quick when we ended. but that was before i went through that whole saga and realised what i gave up.
i guess that's why i called you that evening when i was at my lowest. you went through some shit moments yourself as you've told me. i think you'd understand how wretched it was for me to think of you and believe you trustworthy, and then have you see me like that. all the while knowing that i let you go. someone who's sincere and would probably never subject me to such lies. it hurts sometimes knowing you still matter to me even now, eight years on. i wish it was simpler and that we could've known each other as friends and remained as that. but it wasn't. and that connection can never be dismissed no matter how much i try.
i don't need a reason to like you even more for who you are.
believe me. yes, i've moved on and not beleaguered with debilitating thoughts of randomness. it's not the what-ifs. it's more of the fuck-what-the-hell-did-i-get-myself-into. it's the why-now-why-not-earlier-dammit. don't misunderstand me. i readily admit that you've been really great to me those few moments we are communicating. but i'm not hoping for anything more. i know you're with a great girl and i know how impossible i can be. why would i subject you to that? i'm not in denial. i just wish i could love you as much i would've another if circumstances were different. but it's not. and i don't think it's fair for me to love someone who doesn't love me back. and we both know the difference. on that note, i'm just frustrated sometimes at how much it seems to mean to you that i acknowledge your sincerity. because we both know the difference. i don't matter as much. this is not about your sincerity. it's about what i believe in. we know bits of each other's past. from there, i conclude that i'm not anymore special from any other female friend out there. sigh, maybe it's just me and my damn small circle of friends. i tend to think in absolutes. not much shades of grey when i'm thinking of the term 'friends'. i am sorry for being presumptuous, rude or disrespectful. it's just my inane thinking and my way of distancing myself from you.
nonetheless, thank you for being in my life. thank you for being persistent. and that makes it even worse. i wish i could. but i can't.
- from the Straits Times Online Forum 23 August 2007 -
We need more noble teachers
I REFER to Mr Jason Charles Ingham's letter, 'Teachers should educate, not just teach, students' (ST, Aug 11).
As a student of the 70s and 80s, I held a high respect for my teachers. Teaching was seen as a noble profession then. Or maybe we were just a generation that followed instructions without question.
Things have changed no doubt. Present-day teachers have great challenges ahead from keeping up with media, technological advancements and the toughest job of dealing with parents with high expectations. I have seen such parents - my friends are some of them, maybe I am too. I certainly do not envy the role teachers have to play, especially when some parents expect teachers to do wonders for their children's development, not just academically but also socially and emotionally. Some even look upon the teachers as taking over their parental roles. That's sad.
I have seen the present-day teachers too. Sadly, I have been disappointed. It's not a safe generalisation but oftentimes, I encountered teachers who pass on values that are so wrong for the young ones to model upon, values such as instant gratification, consumerism, lack of humility to serve, et cetera.
I also recall an older teacher telling me that when she asked a student to pick up a piece of litter on the school grounds, the child responded: 'For what? We got cleaners to do that kind of thing!' Arrogance indeed. What happened to pride in keeping the school grounds clean? Have we bred a nation dependent on maids to serve them?
I have deep respect for teachers still, especially the older generation ones. I have seen those with true passion to ignite the fire in their students, to educate them not just on school work but also in their overall development and appreciation of life. These are the kinds of teachers we need.
Teaching is not just for anybody. It requires a certain aptitude and definitely a love for education and the young. I wish, for the sake of my children, that they would find a teacher at least once in their educational life who inspires and motivates them, and teaches them to make a difference.
I do not envy MOE in selecting the right people for the job. It's tough finding such noble people. I can only hope more will come forward. To those who have, thank you for your efforts in grooming our young.
Jo-Anne Lee (Ms)
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I remembered the time when someone asked me why I didn't just apply to NIE when I couldn't get a place to read in NUS some years back. I was quietly indignant and thought the quip was incredulous. I knew how much of a rebel I was back in school. Do I want to subject myself to the even more rebellious school kids nowadays? Of course not.
But that's not the point. It's about feeling confident and passionate enough to make a difference. It is a noble thought and it will definitely be great to help introduce ideas to growing kids. To talk about life and get to know their viewpoints on life. But hey, not everyone can do that. I'm the type of student who doesn't just look at how well a teacher teaches the class. So what if he/she is a brilliant teacher who can get the good students to excel even more in their tests and exams? I care more about those who genuinely help the weaker students. Somehow, there is that vibe present. I want to be that kinda teacher (if I ever do become one). To let them know that I am genuinely concerned for their learning journey. And that I'm not some over-achiever, over-zealous teacher who wants you to quit my subject just because you don't excel in it.
Such an ideal but can I be like that? I highly doubt it. And that's why I didn't go to NIE, thank you very much. If it's my calling and if God permits, I will teach one day.
those words above were said by cat deeley. and i totally agreed with her. it was during the top 20 performance round for So You Think You Can Dance season 3. mia michaels choreographed a contemporary piece for lacey and kameron.
1) mia michaels is fab-ulous!! alright, disclaimer: i only know of a few choreographers out there, foreign and local. thus, i'm only basing such judgment on my limited knowledge of great choreographers out there. nonetheless, i think you would think she is great once you've watched her choreography. it's so out of the box and somehow her emotive pieces are so damn moving. and cat was right - mia is just so able to evoke chills. the choreography, how lacey and kameron got into character is just amazing. lacey may not be as technically competent as some of the other contemporary female dancers. but she threw herself into it. and i think it was absolutely lovely. it represented so well how lovers struggle with relationships. the fights, frustrations, doubts, bittersweet moments throughout the course of loving each other. it was beautiful. made me wish i could dance like that and find a partner who could emote back in dance form. the intensity could just kill me. but oh the bliss.
2) i am a sucker for such tormented, inner struggle kinda thangs. i am absolutely fascinated by it.
3) and the song. dancing by elisa. man. such a nice haunting song. once again, i'm such a sucker for songs that pierces my soul.
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Dancing
Time is gonna take my mind
and carry it far away where I can fly The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears 'cause it's all about love and I know better How life is a waving feather
So I put my arms around you around you
And I know that I'll be leaving soon
My eyes are on you they're on you
And you see that I can't stop shaking No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes 'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath Oh could burst it if it were a bubble And I'd better dream if I have to struggle
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me
I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you
No need for anything but music Music's the reason why I know time still exists Time still exists Time still exists
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me
So I put my arms around you around you
And I hope that I will do no wrong My eyes are on you they're on you And I hope that you won't hurt me
- Elisa -
i chanced upon some youtube videos that some fans created out of their love for various characters in the harry potter books. i was unsurprisingly looking up for anything associated with the couple remus lupin and nymphadora tonks. apparently the song below was used for some other couples (be it as written by jkr herself or just some fans' personal preferences). anyway, i heard this song for one well-done video. and i was so moved. i didn't cry but such a sense of loss and melancholy swept through me. i was just moved at how tonks could love remus despite his age, the stigma he had to face being what he was, the deplorable conditions he was in. almost tak masuk akal (literally: doesn't go into the brain. i.e: doesn't make sense) as to how she could come to love him. the moments apart when he had to transform. it's short of amazing. i wondered what made her see through all that. was it really love? or just transfixed on a sort of enigma? i mean, it's not to say that tonks' intentions were not pure (or if jkr made it out as such). it's just so difficult to really know if you truly love someone for the right reasons. or whether you're attracted to someone for the right reasons for that matter.
despite the odds, they truly cared for each other in that they were worried for each other's well being. we may never know how they died apart from who killed them. but i guess they went into battle willing to die for the other. to bravely accept death and fiercely protect each other is a concept unknown to me. even though fictional, it may be an ideal some may wish for. i do not doubt that many out there will think that it is dumb to shed tears over such seemingly trivial stuffs. there are after all more worthy causes worth our thoughts and tears. but i feel it is this ability to feel that enables us to do good. to feel the pain and joy that we're allowed to experience. i don't for one second believe that God cannot be good or merciful if He allows for such destruction to happen. it is He who is capable of all things magnificent but it is just us, fallible humans, who succumb to our weaknesses. if humans can pompously believe in intellectual property rights or patents or what not, why is it hard to believe that there IS a being capable of creating all of us? my faults are my own. my insecurities and doubts are subsequent by-products of weak faith. whatever that can be said to be good in me only exists because He wills it to be so. i am sorry i cannot be strong. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Skin
Take a look at my body Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Because I've been treated so wrong I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no I don't need them
I'm the slow dying flower In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this
Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this
- Natalie Merchant -
The Harry Potter series has come to an end. (at least in book form)
Do I feel sad? Not particularly. A tinge maybe. I guess a sense of longing is more apt. Some of my favourite characters died. Abruptly. But then for those who have read the book. Death apparently isn't the end.
There can't be a Weasley twins spin off as I had hoped. That's what I'm saddest about I guess. Next would be the sweet but odd couple we got to know of in Book 6. *sigh* I think they rock. Like reeeeally rock.
Personally, I think she rounded it up pretty nicely. There were some kinks which I wished she had ironed out. But then, you gotta remember that this IS Harry Potter after all. And not about any other characters.
I'm waiting for other fans to finish reading the book. I can't wait to discuss it!!!
Hahahaha.
Yes, I am weird.
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