your sympathy? i'm never coming home.

could i? should i?

ditto to previous post. mcr! fwaaaaaargh.

maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. daYmn. love the word. hurhur.

ANYWAY. it just felt odd. quite violated in some ways. i felt toyed with somehow. but then, i allowed myself to be. so, it's my fault. there was a tinge of jealousy. and it confirmed my suspicions. at times, i feel as if he is debauching me. he claimed to not have the capacity to make use of anyone but i got no comfort. he had his doubts and now my own are set even deeper. if he can't make me feel that i'm that special for him to wanna settle down, i don't see the point. *shrug* call me selfish but i think i'm at least entitled to that. personally, i think its bull fucking shit to even want me to believe that the mere suggestion of marriage already implies how special i am.

maybe he IS meant to be one of those men who can handle more than one wife and even be competent at it too. (and i dont mean the carnal kind) dammit. it just made me remember an email i received about the strength of the first wife and all that in allowing her husband to marry a second. in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not realising the good behind the reasoning. if Allah says it is fine, then it is. but me being me. i feel quite marginalised and even denote some form of condescension. (behind his reasoning and not His)

i love him. but if at the start, i'm made to feel small. *shrug* maybe, he truly is not worth it. i even feel like i'm trying too hard to be complaisant about his everything. yea, they talk of the trials and tribulations of love and maybe i should be patient and ride it out. though, i kinda doubt he could offer anymore comfort and reassurances. yes he did say of the so called positive differences. but they seem minor in comparison.

we shall wait and see. but fuck it. i think it's bleak. pardon me, i just dont see a future with us in it right now.

i never said i'd lie in wait forever.

mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.

it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.

i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.

caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.

i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.

i.need.to.get.a.grip.

there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.

fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.