getting rid of my blue stamps

of course it's not easy to. i quite like my blue stamps and i unhealthily hang on to them. many times, i justify doing so by claiming these blue stamps define who i am. (well, of course they define me. my behaviour is directly or indirectly a result of them!) among the other coloured stamps, i find a certain comfort in the blue stamps. blue stamps resonate with me the most. i thrive on them.

i've mentioned it many times before (i think). very often i subconsciously feel like i'm outside the circle. i think i'm the odd one out, without that common interest/characteristic/background/work experience etc that would enable me to bond with others. instances where i feel naturally comfortable among people and feel accepted for who i am are very rare. i am definitely no human magnet.

these thoughts obviously govern my behaviour. i tend to not approach others for casual conversations (i plain don't know how). i prefer being at one corner by myself. at times, i even feel cornered when surrounded by people who are familiar with one another except me. i promptly shut up and not talk (much).

why is this significant? i get slightly puzzled when sincere friendliness is directed at me. on the extreme end, i get really baffled and unsettled when such a thing happens. i get lingering thoughts on this subject

penchant for the melancholy

i've been crazy over this song for months. mia michaels choreographed the top 16 routine for sytycd 4 using this song. and of course mark kanemura was centrestage. (hee!) it was oddly heart piercing. it was odd because of the get up (make up and black + white coloured costumes). heart piercing because the song just is.

as is (somewhat) common knowledge, i have a tendency to go for songs which invoke alot of melancholy within me. strangely, i enjoy losing myself in such songs. the song brings me to various points in my life before when i was so desolate and wretched. the sense of longing just breaks my heart. i yearn for that feeling of wretchedness sometimes. the intensity of such emotions propels me somehow.

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The Dance

Inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say
"Do not lean over the ledge"
I shouldn't look down and I shouldn't have found
That your lips I still taste in my head
Raising my glass to the head of the class
As she powers out steps one through ten
I think I'll be fine if I'm covered in wine
I still hate you and love you again
And see you again
And see you again

Weary and worn little monster is born
Tell me lies and I'll justify them
Desperate today and it's making me pay
For that night for that kiss for your bed
Whoever dared to love someone not there
I don't need a balloon and a pin
The name of the game is outrunning the blame
So I hate you and love you we're friends
Guess we'll be friends
I guess we'll be friends

Oh why (why) can't (can't) you take me in your arms now?
Why (why) can't (can't) you take me?
Why (why) can't (can't) you take me in your arms now?
Why (why) can't (can't) you take me?

Better stop crying hello and goodbye-ing
Go on through me slip right through my hands
You get your time and the other half's mine
It's okay this love weighs fifty men
It's okay this love weighs fifty men

oh why (why) can't (can't) you take me in your arms now?
why (why) can't (can't) you take me?
Why can't you take me?

Amen
Amen

-Charlotte Martin-

acceptance

note: my post headings are often random.

i don't quite know why i'm feeling the way i do. seriously, what's wrong with me? is it like a rehash of 2005? inexplicable emotions?

dv. esplanade encounter. a bit of caca connection. and now. -sigh- not my cup of tea. what's up with me? just so f-cking weird.

the almost common thang is that i'm not quite outright about my status for 3 out of 4. am i too emo for my own good?

dv. oh gosh. that was almost fan girly. went on for quite a bit. i wondered how i survived the days. quixotic notions of the "what-ifs", in short, quite extreme lala land. quite taken in by the conversations, i reckon. in the end, realised i was being foolish and it died. fast. i'm amazed how quickly i switched modes.

esplanade encounter. was the most freaky. goodness. i was really really damn naive. stupid stupid me. this was complicated by what happened in yesteryears. i thought i grew up. but unfortunately, this encounter proved how naive i was (and maybe still am) funny thing is, this encounter popped up in my life just last week. just when it totally slipped my mind...

the caca connection. somehow, i feel a tad guilty over this. i worry that my actions may be misleading. but i still act like nothing's wrong. sigh. hope it'll be chill without underlying thangs.

not my cup of tea. it's like WTF? i repeat, WTF? i'm kinda surprised by this. the only times i felt somewhat similar vibes were YEARS ago. why now? first off, i'm thinking it's the niceness. i mean. i'm so used to ppl just leaving me to my own devices. i'm not exactly a human magnet. i rarely socialise. so, to me it was quite significant that there was someone who was willing to talk to me. that much. considering we didn't know each other prior to that day.

it kinda got down to the "both of us". what really surprised me was the "where to lunch" question. and was surprised again when offered to go someplace of my preference the next day. it's like. whoa. such niceness. whooa. i mean, hey. i was happy for a buddy. how to not feel nice when there's niceness directed at you? helllooooo. fuzzy feelings, much?

but. at the back of my mind, i wonder if there's an agenda behind the niceness. yes, i mistrust ppl that much sometimes. however, i think i should just let it go and accept that [on my part] it's a genuine inexplicable like for another human being and nothing more. come to think of it, i find it an amazing sort of nice.

since i'm so bad at this socialising aspect, i am quite touched by the gesture. it left me with lingering questions for a while. but nonetheless thank you. those were some lovely moments in my life. yes, instances where strangers/ acquantainces are genuinely nice to me are damn rare.