heart full of lies.

bit by bit i'm coming across words, tales, stories of woe written or told by other people about characteristics similar to a person i encountered some years ago.

it's scary.

ann rule wrote a book entitled above. reading the book didnt exactly give me the chills. it was a quite riveting read just because of the uncanny resemblance in behaviour between the person written about and the person encountered.

i guess i have a penchant for crime stories, especially after my friend introduced me to www.crimelibrary.com . i do prefer thrillers to let's say, romance novels. however, there is a difference between fact and fiction. the sheer magnitude of travesty committed to the victims themselves is just so appalling. it's disgusting and it really boggles most minds. i suppose it's unimaginable to most people. why do i say most? mainly because there are those who are i) pretty nonchalant ii) too preoccupied with their own woes (real or imagined). i believe it does take a shrewd mind to be able to execute some of those macabre acts on others. it takes some intelligence to take the risk and find ways to escape detection. inability to understand and empathise with others are flaws we all have in varying degrees. but (to put it crudely) such acts really take the cake.

sometimes, to the general public, such people do not get the punishment they deserve (IF they actually get convicted). the female written about in the book received less than 15 years imprisonment despite the convoluted web of lies she created to achieve her intended means. i hate to be rash and join in the party who advocates longer sentences and stiffer punishments. her mental health was questioned in the book. how about the many others who were convicted of their murders or abhorred acts? therefore, the penitentiary isn't always the best solution. who can totally understand the human psyche to mete out the "correct" punishment?

*shrug*

Wallahualam. only God knows the punishment she will receive in the end.

see who i am

enough shit about him.

what can i say? what can i convey to make this anymore worthwhile?

i've been thinking of death a whole lot lately. it scares me. (but apparently, not scared enough yet to repent and pay penance for all my sins.) i wonder how it'd be like. how the realm of the dead is like. no, i'm not itching to find out. i'm scared that i'll never be good enough as how i hope to be. let's face it. we can never be good enough for that level has been attained by one person.

there are so many things to learn. so much unknown. i have yet to scratch the surface of the abundance of knowledge i am supposed to uncover. and here i am, feeling self pity and getting messed up over petty, "worldly" thangs. what on earth is wrong with me? it's not about striving for happiness. it's about trying to attain that understanding of my role here on earth. to be content and truly satisfied after understanding my purpose.

i wish to be at peace. with my place here on earth. to be at peace with everyone.

i wish for that more than anything.

friend

first thang. a shout out to jojo. thank u so so so much!!

gosh. i really love what he has said to me. he was actually able to make me feel complete in God knows how long. *grin*

onward Gentarasa!! and Malam Jaluran Seni II!! hurhur.

ok. enough outbursts. (off da record, i'm still not sure abt MJS II. should i take a breather or go straight on with tarian?)

anyways. my posts so far have been dismal. pa.the.tic. should i be more critical and actually come up with intellectual posts?? haha. once again, dom has not failed to make me think about the sorry state of my blog and its utter lack of content.

friend. such a simple word and often used for convenience's sake.

friend - noun. somebody emotionally close: somebody whom you trust and you are fond of.

i have often been afraid to fully trust or believe others when they claim to be a "friend". for that, i sincerely apologise to those who truly care and felt hurt when i push them away. i have always been wary of the word. somehow, i never felt really capable of making friends since young. i've always felt like the outsider. it even took me years to believe that another person can actually regard me as a friend. as someone said, i'm a tough nut to crack.

despite being socially incompetent, i've slowly learnt to open up and accepted some as MY friends. i guess i started to notice the change last year. especially so when i started my attachment at the national arts council and seated in 0107 together with the other arts fest temps. it was definitely a good time in my life and i was so grateful that some of the temps there were willing to befriend me. the fact that we still do chat with one another occasionally on msn despite being in three different far away countries cheers me up. (love u del and ricky!)

this year has been the best so far. i am quite amazed at how i was willing to talk and open up to some people. it has been quite great. i actually approached those whom i've never met in years or never met at all. it was quite a liberating feeling. some really surprised me and actually listened to what i have to say. some really offered me good advice. all made me feel so much better and helped to convince ME that i'm not such a failure. special thanks to jojo. his words were really invaluable.

thank u all. and i thank God for ur existence.