fucking insane.
i went on a spree of talking/sms-ing ppl. ok peeps. tt was a rush. n wont come again until some time in da future.
in some sense, it was good to hear fr different ppl whom i havent heard from in months, even years. i am truly sorry for going to any of u repeatedly when i was in tt form of emotional unstability. a part of me just wanna apologise again but i fear troubling u all - yet again. so i keep quiet n hope tt da nagging feeling wont engulf me.
it was definitely a roller coaster of emotions da past week. it was so wide ranging i dont even know where to begin exactly. but da phrase of da week is definitely
~sense of attachment~
i finally could 'give' a reason to my despair n utter debility of yesteryears. it wasnt love. it wasnt about not being strong enough to be alone. it was just me being so used to having a person, a voice there. it was me frantically trying to hold on to a routine. despite tt routine slowly, slowly tearing me to pieces.
it was a life tt i was so completely used to. it was hard to accept tt da 'facts' u were told throughout those times were actually lies. it was hard to believe tt what defined me then were all false. it was disorienting. n i believe tt's partly why i'm still quite confused about my direction in life. i kinda lost faith in what i used to strongly believe in. did i change? maybe i did. maybe all i'm doing is trying to undo my beliefs which were based on something false n trying to regain my faith through what is true.
or some people would just say 'lame excuse'.
oh well. u cant please everyone. i hafta concede tt it's not just about me wanting to 'have fun' before i regret it. i so badly wanna believe tt despite me partying n what not, my faith still exists. tt i have not completely let go tt part of me.
i managed to get through tt episode without telling anyone da complete story. now, i dont see da need to talk about it as a form of catharsis. i just dont remember much of it now. i cant remember when exactly i let go. but i could see myself being happy again without being caught in tt trap. i saw tt person again last year. i wasn't even angry or anything. i was just really freaking amused.
with him. well. i still care. i cannot deny it. it does seem better to still have him around. but i'm not ready to fully commit myself n say i want him as my guy. i want him around, to go out with n all tt. but i dont wanna go through da responsibilities n commitments again. i dont wanna care. i think i should stop myself from caring so much.
i came to tt conclusion after what he put me through. it was a fucking complete 180. THAT, fyi, made me lose faith in him n what we had. i'll be honest. it's comforting to have him n to hold him in my arms. but other than tt, "it's good day to u, till da next time." it's pointless to care about da in betweens. fucking pointless. u wanna play dirty. i can too.
*shrug* no. we're not together. but yea, i will still look for u if i wanna go out, get something or whatever. we gotta brush up our own acts n decide later. it's not tt i dont listen to ur words. they just bloody contradict ur actions.
