believe in my sincerity

it's not that i don't believe in your sincerity. it's easier to expect or believe in the worst. better still, not have any expectations. i realised that by having no expectations, it's a good way to stay sane. however, that said, i still find it easier to expect the worst with you.

your words just rang true that day. i don't know how i never came to realise it. sincerity. after all the lies and fucked up stories i was fed after you came into my life, sincerity is so damn bloody important and nearly impossible for me to believe that in anyone. i may trust people superficially but otherwise i can say i have real issues with it. that's how i am. i'm unsure if it is due to my upbringing or just pessimistic me. somehow, there must be some root cause. whatever it is, those three (?) years definitely thrashed whatever vestige of self-esteem i ever had. you were the only one (guy) who came closest to gaining my trust. someone who genuinely cared. (granted there was another girlfriend but i guess we drifted apart and i pessimistically lost hope in anyone. and that warrants another thread i guess.) true, i got over you pretty quick when we ended. but that was before i went through that whole saga and realised what i gave up.

i guess that's why i called you that evening when i was at my lowest. you went through some shit moments yourself as you've told me. i think you'd understand how wretched it was for me to think of you and believe you trustworthy, and then have you see me like that. all the while knowing that i let you go. someone who's sincere and would probably never subject me to such lies. it hurts sometimes knowing you still matter to me even now, eight years on. i wish it was simpler and that we could've known each other as friends and remained as that. but it wasn't. and that connection can never be dismissed no matter how much i try.

i don't need a reason to like you even more for who you are.

believe me. yes, i've moved on and not beleaguered with debilitating thoughts of randomness. it's not the what-ifs. it's more of the fuck-what-the-hell-did-i-get-myself-into. it's the why-now-why-not-earlier-dammit. don't misunderstand me. i readily admit that you've been really great to me those few moments we are communicating. but i'm not hoping for anything more. i know you're with a great girl and i know how impossible i can be. why would i subject you to that? i'm not in denial. i just wish i could love you as much i would've another if circumstances were different. but it's not. and i don't think it's fair for me to love someone who doesn't love me back. and we both know the difference. on that note, i'm just frustrated sometimes at how much it seems to mean to you that i acknowledge your sincerity. because we both know the difference. i don't matter as much. this is not about your sincerity. it's about what i believe in. we know bits of each other's past. from there, i conclude that i'm not anymore special from any other female friend out there. sigh, maybe it's just me and my damn small circle of friends. i tend to think in absolutes. not much shades of grey when i'm thinking of the term 'friends'. i am sorry for being presumptuous, rude or disrespectful. it's just my inane thinking and my way of distancing myself from you.

nonetheless, thank you for being in my life. thank you for being persistent. and that makes it even worse. i wish i could. but i can't.