of a mundance existence and sense of being not completely moribund.

i'm about to start on a post which isnt entirely negative and isnt after a particularly wretched incident.

as usual, dom's posts have a knack for 'inciting' me to blog. or maybe, he's just better at elucidating his thoughts for (not quite) all and sundry. his post about forgiving and forgetting just reminds me of what i feel as a particularly bad episode in my life some years back. it was totally wretched. i remember the gut wrenching and heart squeezing feelings. i remember the times sprawled on my bedroom floor - me in a tangled mess of hair and tears. hitting my fists against the floor, the cupboard just because i could not handle the twisted miasma of thoughts and emotions i was having. all of those because of ONE person (and many other imaginary ones, come to think of it). the days i skipped school because i could not bear getting out of my room to shower and get dressed. the frustrations. the self doubt. the indignation. fucking hell. it was fucked.

and i'm almost amazed i went through all that. almost because i'm more amused. it is amusing because i actually allowed myself to be subjected to such treatment. oh well. it is a long time ago. (is 3 -4 years long?) maybe not but it was a completely different life then. i'm not sure if i've forgiven the person. i guess not, since i'm not sure. however, does the fact i'm not seeking vengeance mean i forgave the person? i think ive forgotten most aspects of that ordeal. although, there are of course certain places which evoke a certain a memory and certain incidents throughout the 3 year saga which are still etched in my mind. i remember being so bloody violated. i remember being made to feel downright guilty. i remember feeling desperate enough to give in and doing things against my volition just to get attention. i remember feeling so damn angry and cheated. i remember the incident at jp. i remember losing control of my emotions and picking up a fight in public. i remember being with mateen and holding the bank book in the rain. i remember crying my heart out to him and feeling doubly wretched because i was crying to an ex boyfriend and not even a close friend whom i thought should be there for me. so have i actually forgiven and forgotten? i have no idea. i'm ok now. my suicidal tendencies dont come as frequently and i must admit i AM enjoying life a fair bit more now. i guess ive moved on. especially since i didnt feel the need to kick and punch her when i saw her recently (it could be the fact i saw her at the mosque and she was with her mom. cant exactly showcase violent tendencies in a holy place, can i?) . i felt amused seeing her again because i kept thinking - of all places, in the mosque?! but then, i still expect my money to be returned. and i know i wont hesitate to curse and swear at her if i dont see the money in my account. so i ask again, have i actually forgiven and forgotten?

*shrug*

went to rouge friday night despite being sick (down with fever and flu). i know, i shouldve went home straight after the hari raya show but i just wanted to be out and having fun instead of moping and thinking of him. he didnt exactly cause me distress. i just wanted to be free of him i guess. and hey, at i least i found out that rouge with a live band setting was definitely worth my time. better than the other time i went... (sorry del!) krueger was not bad and they were pretty tight as a band. john molina's vocal skills were admittedly pretty good. i was reliving my primary school days of listening to bryan adams, bon jovi, guns 'n roses when they were belting out those rock numbers. a minus point was the fact they played 'the reason' by hoobastank. of which john molina admitted to not liking either. i like hoobastank during the time 'crawling in the dark' came out. so dont accuse me of blindly hating a band or something. all in all, i came down to this conclusion: i definitely dont mind going to rouge again this time round. hahah.

back to him. the day after rouge, i was so sure it was over between us. mainly because it was tiring to be wary and aloof at the same time. life seemed easier before he came along. the feeling of being more or less settled was lacking. i wanted to be happy in the notion that us existed. i like him and all but it was abit trying to be shrewd about who i can reveal about his existence. obviously, all of us have secrets and we all withhold certain aspects of our life to different groups of people. but i didnt wanna withhold certain important things from my close friends just because i feel us can end anytime. and that was when God surprised me. we agreed to meet up that saturday night. and it turned out to be the nicest, most pleasant time i spent with him. finally, i felt it. the feeling of being more or less settled in the relationship. i like the way we talked, joked, jibed at each other and telling each other lil stories of our lives. it was almost sweet. (and if you actually do know me, i dont like to use words such as 'sweet'. so when i do, you'd better believe it was something different.)

i like that saturday night. thank you.

the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.

somehow or other, the night often leaves me a sense of foreboding. i guess it has often been that way. (although at this moment, i am freaking amused. hahahaha. my insides are definitely keeling over from laughing so damn much)

i love the guy. so much. but it's such a warped sense of love. i'm currently reading singled out by trisha ashley and i can definitely identify with the main character's wretched feelings. the words used in the book seem to describe my feelings for him quite perfectly. one moment, i can love him so much that i'm willing to accept him leaving me just because i feel tt it's best for us both. another moment, i love him so much because i'm amused about him being frustrated with me.

cock teaser?

i'm sorry, did i just hear you say i should grow up? hey. i love you. but that dont equate to me giving in everytime. certain thangs are important to me when i ask for help or ask for something. the circumstances should be right as well as the emotions in place. i can be practical but i need to feel the right vibe before doing something. you said it before. i'm shrewd. i reveal only what i feel the person should know. and only when i feel i can illicit the best response.

before the somewhat defensive and angry ramblings, i actually felt melancholic and contemplative. i was thinking of him and my previous dealings. they seemed so similar but so unlike as well. i wonder what God is trying to show me. i so badly wanna listen to Him and understand. i do hope to leave this mortal world with some understanding of His realm which He created. i see the similarities and wonder if God is giving me another chance to go through it and learn more comprehensively what is supposed to be learnt. it IS inexplicable but i think it is THE reason (albeit somewhat incomplete) as to WHY i love him so so so much.

i better appreciate the people around me now. i see their differences and try to understand and accept. i may not be living such a great life but i AM thankful that i went down this path. it could have been better and less decadent, i admit. however, no matter how different the lives we lead, our main purpose is to worship the God Who created us.

he doesnt read my blog. but on the very unlikely chance that he does, i want him to know that deep down i really do love him. just that i'm not as willing to act on the feeling. it's good to know that he's also human and that he is affected by me and what i say.

it takes two hands to clap, by. i'm still taking baby steps on certain aspects about us. i'm sorry if i did hurt you but i want you to realise that it's not only you who's not getting his ideal partner. this is our reality and it's not perfect. that's what makes you damn intriguing to me.

you're the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.

dom did it!

hahah. i just had to have such a header. as a shout out to dom, he has a knack for 'inspiring' me to blog.

simple pleasures?

i am wary of having to be wary all the time. i just wanna be free and believe. it is freaking tiring to be on my toes and avoid those fragile egg shells. hell yeah, it IS a defence mechanism and i admit i will be far more wasted than how i am right now if i didnt utilise it. BUT... *sigh* but nothing..

the thought is worse than the reality.

i worry too much. i think too much. i'm just plain scared. it definitely stems from the fact that i know i dont conform to society's expectations. and it's so much easier (for me, at least) to believe the more negative aspects. (freak. i shouldnt be complaining too much after i included that bit part in.)

his existence as a lesson in my life.

it's almost like a mantra to me. that's what preventing me from just taking that leap to away/ over and done with/ no more pain and wretched thoughts. it's akin to goin' through shit before you get to greener pastures. i wanna go through this and get something invaluable from it. whatever it is, i do pray to not get what i want but what God knows is best for me.

apropos to Aidilfitri, i wanna apologise to everyone who i've encountered in my life and everyone who's encountered my blog (which aint many but isnt the real issue here) . i have committed many sins and this past Ramadhan has been less eventful than i had hoped it to be. i pray to live to experience the next one.

thanks for reading.