believe in my sincerity

it's not that i don't believe in your sincerity. it's easier to expect or believe in the worst. better still, not have any expectations. i realised that by having no expectations, it's a good way to stay sane. however, that said, i still find it easier to expect the worst with you.

your words just rang true that day. i don't know how i never came to realise it. sincerity. after all the lies and fucked up stories i was fed after you came into my life, sincerity is so damn bloody important and nearly impossible for me to believe that in anyone. i may trust people superficially but otherwise i can say i have real issues with it. that's how i am. i'm unsure if it is due to my upbringing or just pessimistic me. somehow, there must be some root cause. whatever it is, those three (?) years definitely thrashed whatever vestige of self-esteem i ever had. you were the only one (guy) who came closest to gaining my trust. someone who genuinely cared. (granted there was another girlfriend but i guess we drifted apart and i pessimistically lost hope in anyone. and that warrants another thread i guess.) true, i got over you pretty quick when we ended. but that was before i went through that whole saga and realised what i gave up.

i guess that's why i called you that evening when i was at my lowest. you went through some shit moments yourself as you've told me. i think you'd understand how wretched it was for me to think of you and believe you trustworthy, and then have you see me like that. all the while knowing that i let you go. someone who's sincere and would probably never subject me to such lies. it hurts sometimes knowing you still matter to me even now, eight years on. i wish it was simpler and that we could've known each other as friends and remained as that. but it wasn't. and that connection can never be dismissed no matter how much i try.

i don't need a reason to like you even more for who you are.

believe me. yes, i've moved on and not beleaguered with debilitating thoughts of randomness. it's not the what-ifs. it's more of the fuck-what-the-hell-did-i-get-myself-into. it's the why-now-why-not-earlier-dammit. don't misunderstand me. i readily admit that you've been really great to me those few moments we are communicating. but i'm not hoping for anything more. i know you're with a great girl and i know how impossible i can be. why would i subject you to that? i'm not in denial. i just wish i could love you as much i would've another if circumstances were different. but it's not. and i don't think it's fair for me to love someone who doesn't love me back. and we both know the difference. on that note, i'm just frustrated sometimes at how much it seems to mean to you that i acknowledge your sincerity. because we both know the difference. i don't matter as much. this is not about your sincerity. it's about what i believe in. we know bits of each other's past. from there, i conclude that i'm not anymore special from any other female friend out there. sigh, maybe it's just me and my damn small circle of friends. i tend to think in absolutes. not much shades of grey when i'm thinking of the term 'friends'. i am sorry for being presumptuous, rude or disrespectful. it's just my inane thinking and my way of distancing myself from you.

nonetheless, thank you for being in my life. thank you for being persistent. and that makes it even worse. i wish i could. but i can't.

the fine art of teaching

- from the Straits Times Online Forum 23 August 2007 -

We need more noble teachers

I REFER to Mr Jason Charles Ingham's letter, 'Teachers should educate, not just teach, students' (ST, Aug 11).

As a student of the 70s and 80s, I held a high respect for my teachers. Teaching was seen as a noble profession then. Or maybe we were just a generation that followed instructions without question.

Things have changed no doubt. Present-day teachers have great challenges ahead from keeping up with media, technological advancements and the toughest job of dealing with parents with high expectations. I have seen such parents - my friends are some of them, maybe I am too. I certainly do not envy the role teachers have to play, especially when some parents expect teachers to do wonders for their children's development, not just academically but also socially and emotionally. Some even look upon the teachers as taking over their parental roles. That's sad.

I have seen the present-day teachers too. Sadly, I have been disappointed. It's not a safe generalisation but oftentimes, I encountered teachers who pass on values that are so wrong for the young ones to model upon, values such as instant gratification, consumerism, lack of humility to serve, et cetera.

I also recall an older teacher telling me that when she asked a student to pick up a piece of litter on the school grounds, the child responded: 'For what? We got cleaners to do that kind of thing!' Arrogance indeed. What happened to pride in keeping the school grounds clean? Have we bred a nation dependent on maids to serve them?

I have deep respect for teachers still, especially the older generation ones. I have seen those with true passion to ignite the fire in their students, to educate them not just on school work but also in their overall development and appreciation of life. These are the kinds of teachers we need.

Teaching is not just for anybody. It requires a certain aptitude and definitely a love for education and the young. I wish, for the sake of my children, that they would find a teacher at least once in their educational life who inspires and motivates them, and teaches them to make a difference.

I do not envy MOE in selecting the right people for the job. It's tough finding such noble people. I can only hope more will come forward. To those who have, thank you for your efforts in grooming our young.

Jo-Anne Lee (Ms)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I remembered the time when someone asked me why I didn't just apply to NIE when I couldn't get a place to read in NUS some years back. I was quietly indignant and thought the quip was incredulous. I knew how much of a rebel I was back in school. Do I want to subject myself to the even more rebellious school kids nowadays? Of course not.

But that's not the point. It's about feeling confident and passionate enough to make a difference. It is a noble thought and it will definitely be great to help introduce ideas to growing kids. To talk about life and get to know their viewpoints on life. But hey, not everyone can do that. I'm the type of student who doesn't just look at how well a teacher teaches the class. So what if he/she is a brilliant teacher who can get the good students to excel even more in their tests and exams? I care more about those who genuinely help the weaker students. Somehow, there is that vibe present. I want to be that kinda teacher (if I ever do become one). To let them know that I am genuinely concerned for their learning journey. And that I'm not some over-achiever, over-zealous teacher who wants you to quit my subject just because you don't excel in it.

Such an ideal but can I be like that? I highly doubt it. And that's why I didn't go to NIE, thank you very much. If it's my calling and if God permits, I will teach one day.

first chills of the season

those words above were said by cat deeley. and i totally agreed with her. it was during the top 20 performance round for So You Think You Can Dance season 3. mia michaels choreographed a contemporary piece for lacey and kameron.

1) mia michaels is fab-ulous!! alright, disclaimer: i only know of a few choreographers out there, foreign and local. thus, i'm only basing such judgment on my limited knowledge of great choreographers out there. nonetheless, i think you would think she is great once you've watched her choreography. it's so out of the box and somehow her emotive pieces are so damn moving. and cat was right - mia is just so able to evoke chills. the choreography, how lacey and kameron got into character is just amazing. lacey may not be as technically competent as some of the other contemporary female dancers. but she threw herself into it. and i think it was absolutely lovely. it represented so well how lovers struggle with relationships. the fights, frustrations, doubts, bittersweet moments throughout the course of loving each other. it was beautiful. made me wish i could dance like that and find a partner who could emote back in dance form. the intensity could just kill me. but oh the bliss.

2) i am a sucker for such tormented, inner struggle kinda thangs. i am absolutely fascinated by it.

3) and the song. dancing by elisa. man. such a nice haunting song. once again, i'm such a sucker for songs that pierces my soul.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dancing

Time is gonna take my mind

and carry it far away where I can fly

The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears

'cause it's all about love and I know better

How life is a waving feather

So I put my arms around you around you

And I know that I'll be leaving soon

My eyes are on you they're on you

And you see that I can't stop shaking

No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes

'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath

Oh could burst it if it were a bubble

And I'd better dream if I have to struggle

So I put my arms around you around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you they're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you

No need for anything but music

Music's the reason why I know time still exists

Time still exists

Time still exists

So I put my arms around you around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you they're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

So I put my arms around you around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong

My eyes are on you they're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me

- Elisa -

leave me here in my tangled mess of hair and tears

i chanced upon some youtube videos that some fans created out of their love for various characters in the harry potter books. i was unsurprisingly looking up for anything associated with the couple remus lupin and nymphadora tonks. apparently the song below was used for some other couples (be it as written by jkr herself or just some fans' personal preferences). anyway, i heard this song for one well-done video. and i was so moved. i didn't cry but such a sense of loss and melancholy swept through me. i was just moved at how tonks could love remus despite his age, the stigma he had to face being what he was, the deplorable conditions he was in. almost tak masuk akal (literally: doesn't go into the brain. i.e: doesn't make sense) as to how she could come to love him. the moments apart when he had to transform. it's short of amazing. i wondered what made her see through all that. was it really love? or just transfixed on a sort of enigma? i mean, it's not to say that tonks' intentions were not pure (or if jkr made it out as such). it's just so difficult to really know if you truly love someone for the right reasons. or whether you're attracted to someone for the right reasons for that matter.

despite the odds, they truly cared for each other in that they were worried for each other's well being. we may never know how they died apart from who killed them. but i guess they went into battle willing to die for the other. to bravely accept death and fiercely protect each other is a concept unknown to me. even though fictional, it may be an ideal some may wish for.

i do not doubt that many out there will think that it is dumb to shed tears over such seemingly trivial stuffs. there are after all more worthy causes worth our thoughts and tears. but i feel it is this ability to feel that enables us to do good. to feel the pain and joy that we're allowed to experience. i don't for one second believe that God cannot be good or merciful if He allows for such destruction to happen. it is He who is capable of all things magnificent but it is just us, fallible humans, who succumb to our weaknesses. if humans can pompously believe in intellectual property rights or patents or what not, why is it hard to believe that there IS a being capable of creating all of us?

my faults are my own. my insecurities and doubts are subsequent by-products of weak faith. whatever that can be said to be good in me only exists because He wills it to be so. i am sorry i cannot be strong.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Skin

Take a look at my body Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Because I've been treated so wrong I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no I don't need them

I'm the slow dying flower In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this


- Natalie Merchant -