goodbye, we're falling fast.

how can one person flood me with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions?

i do not want a repeat of yesteryears. can i trust myself to know that this time round IS different from before? why such a question? simply because my heart is telling me that it IS different where i am now. but somehow, i doubt can i really believe it. yeah. i am full of ambivalence.

who the hell wants to be manipulated? i know i dont. i'm not at the point where all i feel is despair and having the incessant sense of being used. i guess i'm just plain scared. or maybe i'm just one of those people who are NOT meant to be with anyone. i dont freaking know.

i was told my thoughts are fleeting. i wholeheartedly agree. i cant seem to slow down and pinpoint what exactly is the matter and what is the issue which is bugging me big time. right now, i dont even know why i got so annoyed and pissed off just a half hour ago. have i really let down my guard and allowed myself to be extra vulnerable? i dont know how it happened. but i just realised that i care too damn much. i cant be as nonchalant as i used to be. why do i fucking care so much?

is it true then? have i actually fallen?

can i just be moribund?

aight. nothing of much relevance lately. oklah. nothing much of relevance that i'm willing to divulge in full, anyway. furthermore, i'm too embarassed to actually elucidate from the previous post. hahaah. come on, i read my own post all over and i got quite sheepish.

i got quite freaked out yesterday (or should it be the day before yesterday?). lost in my own thoughts and very imagined fears. i acknowledge that i AM often lost and confused. but this time round, i suddenly felt the irrational fear of not being able to believe in myself at all. it was almost as if nothing about me is real. i was just so so so damn scared. i couldnt really explain myself. i was just afraid that i was a right ol' fraud...

forsaken

"Now the day has come
We are forsaken this time"
- Within Temptation -

i'm feeling a tad poignant, thus the "forsaken" title.

supposedly went clubbing at zouk with dom and friends. (hah! right.) he and his friends obviously went to mambo while del and i went to phuture. hahah. how come it often comes back to just both of us, girl??? all i can say is, thankfully i did meet up the person i was supposed to meet. plus he and his friends were kind enough to look after us as well.

bright colours yesterday at zouk (referring to myself here). wore pastel yellow top and scarf. with a light turquoise bottom. hey, i usually have black in my ensemble. hahah. should've been a kodak moment for me eh? but nah, no pics. aight. main purpose of this blog aint about clubbing at zouk before it closes for renovations next week. it's about the person i met there.

first got to know him through myspace some months back. it's all blurry to me as to how i actually have him on my list in myspace and subsequently on my msn list. (apparently, he noticed the pic where my hand was covering my face in that gpa "photo shoot"). anyway, he was supposed to look for me in phuture without me telling him where i was. i recognised him from pictures on his profile when we bumped into each other on my way out of phuture. (kinda busted the element of surprise) PLUS he was right in my face and staring at me. talk about unnerving. meeting for the first time at the club definitely did not present the opportunity for me to suss him out. at least, he and his friends looked out for del and i. so that was a somewhat positive quality.

did spend some time with him afterwards. i really didnt expect to be taken in by the person. get this, on the back of my mind i was actually thinking, "wot?!?! i'm actually meeting a guy whom i met online...kentalnya!!!" i wont go into overdrive with the "oh-gosh-he-is-so-handsome-i-cant-breathe" shite. precisely because it wasnt like that at all. from the short time we spent time together i felt he was able to address or fill that nagging gap. I..I was surprised that he made me consider possibilities that i absolutely didnt with previous guys. mainly because those guys didnt convince me those possibilities were plausible. it made me wish i could spend more time with him. but it also almost made me wish the encounter didnt happen either.

hell. it was ONE meeting. but the chemistry was almost palpable. and that IS my fear. i dont wish to pursue something which will end up to naught. this time round, it's not the inability to communicate or comprehend each other which is the problem. to me, religion is very much the dampener to this whole thang. hell. the age and education thang weren't even top on my list of cautionary details to consider. and freak, it's like deja vu all over again. religion. (fear of) loving the person that it hurts so much. oh gosh. i AM amused now. maybe it IS a sign. i doubt i can even go on the "lets try to just be friends" jazz. i think i can actually like him too much to even go down that route for now.

on hindsight (and on the bright side), i'm glad we did meet and spent those few hours together. very possibly it is not meant to be. but i'm grateful to him nonetheless. and i do hope that he will meet the right one for him in future.

arbitrary.

apologies to those who actually visit this ancient site. i'm too lazy to update. as how my mom would say it, "your heart gotta be in it". and well, my heart hasn't been into the blogging mode. yea, i have time on my hands. but blogging seems to take too much effort at this point of time. hell, i was supposed to upload pics of my pekanbaru trip so that people can see the pics. but i haven't gotten round to doing it. *shrug*

well. since my last entry. i've been to pekanbaru and back. celebrated dom's bday. repaired my pc. caught up on lost. got a new tuition kid. watched boi sakti's 'reminiscing the moon'. and a whole lot of other thangs.

pekanbaru
it was a good experience. i am grateful for abg azmi for giving me the chance to go. the other groups were good. it kinda prompted me to watch other dance performances in singapore. i like how some of the groups had their technique and stamina down pat. it was quite amazing. granted, most of them weren't traditional malay dances or limited themselves to the malay culture. it definitely crossed the line but it was precisely the material for me to ponder over. granted, i didnt watch all the dances or paid attention to everything. but i guess i did take in what i wanted to.

for a moment, i desperately wanted to be better. correction: dance better. it does sound frivolous. but hell, i just wanna be good at something.

it did make me seriously consider choreographing for a moment. however, self-doubt crept in and well.. you get the idea.

dom's bday
we got him cake. del and i got him a nice shirt. (at least WE think it's nice. hurhur) and well he called us wonderful nac ppl. heheh.

boi sakti's ' reminiscing the moon'
woohoo. i liiiiiike!! it wasnt malay dance. it was modern contemporary dance. but it did have malay cultural influences. hey, the man's indonesian. there were definitely elements in that dance which i wished abg azmi incorporated into the 'terikat' dance we brought to pekanbaru. i cant remember all the steps la. but the precision was quite good. it was quite refreshing. the water on the stage. that was real nice. reeeeeal nice. must had quite a big budget. hah! should watch more of such performances i think. keep an open mind. i also realised that choreographers also have a certain similarity in their works. like a trademark move or formation. hmmm.

misc
uh. my mind's drawing a blank. so cant really think of what to type. please remind me to update my blog. hhaha.