six feet under with no marker.

(fyi. title fom lamb of god lyrics.)

i've read more crime stories recently. feeling some inexplicable sense of dread. dishonesty. lies. i feel really uncomfortable. i'm left feeling a bit worried. yes, i am full of questions. even i dont know why. (despite almost always having the urge to ask it) little nagging questions at da back of my head. i feel less secure somehow. i feel quite lost. sometimes remembering the sense of panic i used to have. desperately doing something, anything to be rid of the utter helplessness.

yes. i hafta admit it. i'm quite unhappy. oh. there are happy moments of laughter and all that. while it is true that i'm not as despondent, that ol' miserable feeling is creeping back.

i keep causing my own misery. and i hate myself for it. why do i even persist? i should just let it go. tell myself it's fruitless. i should be more proactive. and take steps for my own future. i keep thinking of da other party. i wanna leave but i cant afford it. i doubt i can ever enter a local uni. maybe i hafta take a part time degree. i really wish to go to school full time.

i hafta go for it. i cant wait for that reassurance that i wont find. 2007. i just hope i'll make it. i guess i feel pretty much unwanted here to crave to be somewhere else. albeit da chances of feeling accepted there wont be that high either. the people at da clinic are a pretty nice bunch in general. i hope to stick for a year. and get to leave. maybe feb/march or july/august. maybe...

i know i'll get out of dis somehow. just unsure of when or how. . .

similarities

many a time, i've picked up calls from parents who wish to speak to the psychiatrists (or better known in laymen's terms as "doctors") here. their tone of voice indicated a confidence that they've built a strong rapport with the doctors and held no doubt the doctors will immediately answer their calls.

initially, i get a bit bewildered. how can i possibly pass the call to the doctors? i mean, they're definitely busy seeing their current patients. later, i get a bit perplexed and annoyed. why? some speak to me like i'm an idiot who doesnt understand how the doctor is oh so very concerned about their child after i politely tell them the doctor is unavailable. "dr so and so told me this. dr so and so wants me to do this and this." urgh.

they sound like disillusioned lovers i tell you.

little things like such phone calls make me think that these doctors are similar to shrewd people who are able to handle several lovers at a time. da kind where they are able to persuade and convince their lovers that so and so are their only true love but are actually going around jumping from one bed to the next. some of you may vehemently disagree and think it's a bad analogy. but hey, it DOES seem that way to me at times.

yea. mundane rumblings. oh well.