leave me here in my tangled mess of hair and tears

i chanced upon some youtube videos that some fans created out of their love for various characters in the harry potter books. i was unsurprisingly looking up for anything associated with the couple remus lupin and nymphadora tonks. apparently the song below was used for some other couples (be it as written by jkr herself or just some fans' personal preferences). anyway, i heard this song for one well-done video. and i was so moved. i didn't cry but such a sense of loss and melancholy swept through me. i was just moved at how tonks could love remus despite his age, the stigma he had to face being what he was, the deplorable conditions he was in. almost tak masuk akal (literally: doesn't go into the brain. i.e: doesn't make sense) as to how she could come to love him. the moments apart when he had to transform. it's short of amazing. i wondered what made her see through all that. was it really love? or just transfixed on a sort of enigma? i mean, it's not to say that tonks' intentions were not pure (or if jkr made it out as such). it's just so difficult to really know if you truly love someone for the right reasons. or whether you're attracted to someone for the right reasons for that matter.

despite the odds, they truly cared for each other in that they were worried for each other's well being. we may never know how they died apart from who killed them. but i guess they went into battle willing to die for the other. to bravely accept death and fiercely protect each other is a concept unknown to me. even though fictional, it may be an ideal some may wish for.

i do not doubt that many out there will think that it is dumb to shed tears over such seemingly trivial stuffs. there are after all more worthy causes worth our thoughts and tears. but i feel it is this ability to feel that enables us to do good. to feel the pain and joy that we're allowed to experience. i don't for one second believe that God cannot be good or merciful if He allows for such destruction to happen. it is He who is capable of all things magnificent but it is just us, fallible humans, who succumb to our weaknesses. if humans can pompously believe in intellectual property rights or patents or what not, why is it hard to believe that there IS a being capable of creating all of us?

my faults are my own. my insecurities and doubts are subsequent by-products of weak faith. whatever that can be said to be good in me only exists because He wills it to be so. i am sorry i cannot be strong.

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My Skin

Take a look at my body Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Because I've been treated so wrong I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well, contempt loves the silence It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no I don't need them

I'm the slow dying flower In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this


- Natalie Merchant -