Claudine's Birthday Celebration

The Birthday Girl.

Anyway. There were a few of us. Mostly the rg gang. Plus Liza, Najeeb (i think that's how it's spelt) and Hajar's boyfriend. We had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. Nachos. Nachos. Nachos. Reminiscent of Nuovo at KL. Clubbing!!! Hahhaha. (anyway sssshhhh. i dont want certain ppl to know. hah!)

It wasn't particularly fantastic but it was pleasant enough. I haven't seen some of them for so long. And I found out that I'm far more at ease with them now than before. I guess I'm less rigid now and it could possibly be because I'm happier now. Hah. Oh well. Back to HRC.

The performing band sang her a birthday song. One of the girls has a nice voice. She should have sang more! Anyway, Claud got sabo-ed. Oklah typical thang to happen. But it was cute. Hehe. "My dress always gets stained!!!" Cute la Claud.

I went there after work. I was late (after Le-Anne gave last minute thangs to do). And I was just itching to get out of office. Gosh. But then, I was oblivious to the people left in office. Scandals galore! Thankfully, most of them will be leaving soon. Unfortunately, there will only be Del left to entertain me.. hehehe. I'm gonna miss Ricky!!!

Langit Nan Terjunjung

ricky gave me flowers!

Gentarasa was on saturday, june 18 2005. was it good? way better than last year's. but too much repeated elements. i felt it wasn't as raw as it should be. in some ways i wish it was better developed. but i can't complain. i think i learnt abit more of my strengths and what i wish to improve on.

the soil we toil (crap i tell you)

Gentarasa 2005

it was an experience. it was fun. it was tiring. hell it was tiring. (but somehow not as much as i think it could have) what else can i say about it? i can't say i miss the people. cos i seriously don't. i do miss the intensity of the practices. i wish we practised longer so i can better cultivate my strengths, learn more, yada yada. oklah. i sound like some preppy exemplary student of dance or something. but no. no. no. there ARE definitely certain pointers i wanna keep in mind and hopefully put to good use.

mercurial.

dance. i love it. but my parents dont exactly approve. my mom has been dropping hints for me to stop. gosh. i dunno what to say to her. i like it. since gentarasa, i really feel like pursuing it a tad further. as in really trying to tell myself to improve. since i'm currently sucking in other areas (especially academic-wise). seriously. sometimes i feel like a failure. i really feel like i'm not meant to be on the same path as my other rafflesian mates. note that. rafflesians. i feel doomed and dumb. urgh. urgh. disgusted with myself sometimes.

studying overseas. i don't wanna burden my mom. especially now that both my parents are not working. argh. argh. but in a way, i feel like running away. i don't wanna be here. noone to miss me when i'm gone. force myself to be independent. give myself a blardy reality check. (but it'll be on my mom's expense. so what IS the whole point?) urgh. seriously. what am i doing with my life. help. help.

i'm becoming increasingly decadent. i'm still struggling to find a balance. still am precariously perched on some narrow line (but i dont know what). i fear some backlash from God. i don't wanna say i'm entitled to some fun cos i don't believe that. i just wanna milk it for all its worth. i wanna enjoy myself at the moment. some real tangible fun. instead of what i was made to believe in before. it was such a fake fake disgusting world back then. maybe it was all the repressed bullshit which is allowing me to lose certain inhibitions and just go for it. tangible. that's the word. i wanna spend time with people who are there. physically. believe in stuffs and not be so damn suspicious all the time. it's time to quit worrying about another. it's time to live my life for me. but i still fear His backlash.

i'm becoming increasingly decadent. please let me believe again. please. i don't wanna lose sight of what i had before. i'm becoming increasingly decadent. help me. please.

i fear His backlash.

YES FREAKING TITLE!!!

ok. i wanna add some more shit here. so many. so many. so many. i wanna sleep actually. but hell. so freaking many. i feel so un-intellectual. help.

Unholy Ghost

ok. trying to consolidate my thoughts, my everything. there have been a lot of happenings since my entry in uh, January. YES i know i haven't updated in like 5 months. no time. no interest. i've been on a high for so long. i just fear crashing.

admittedly, i AM happier. i am so freaking glad (and syukur alhamdullilah) i got out of that rut. YES that miserable rut for God knows how long. i realise i've been happy and kinda crazy of late. unlike my usual brooding self. does that mean i've 'recovered' from my depressive state? i can't trust myself to say that. but i think i can make myself admit that i'm doing pretty good lately.

however. alas. i miss my acute ability to feel pain and misery. i uh bumped into mateen last thursday at clementi interchange. and i got an sms the previous night about certain persons who caused such turbulence in my life a long time ago. so i cried on the bus. that familiar heart piercing sorrow and sense of loss just came back. those unwanted memories. they didn't come 'flooding back' but. but. i was reminded. and i cried. again.

i was ok soon after. i wasn't lulled into my usual contemplative and brooding moments. i was quite happy again later on in the day. i was not worried about being unable to get over it yada yada. i was more, much more disturbed by the fact that i could not bring on the tears at will. frankly, i'm very disturbed. have i lost my acute sense of 'feeling'?

yay i'm happy. but hell. it IS disturbing that i could not recall those painful memories and be moved by it. maybe i should be telling myself that i'm finally at a place untouched by those messed up times. but but but. i mourn the loss. pardon me for being me. it makes me feel somehow that i lost my independence. my ability to curl up and squeeze myself into my thoughts and be totally immersed in them.

don't get me wrong. i am NOT asking for perpetual pain, misery or suffering. sometimes, vapid days can be doses of reality checks. i need those occasional jolts of pain to remind me that i'm still alive and have a duty to fulfil on this earth. being swept away in my delightful, crazy and light hearted moments were something i haven't experienced in a long, long, long time. and i'm truly grateful. i just fear i will get lost in the whirlwind experience.

am i talking sense? well. seeing that i don't really bother what people think of me, i guess that wasn't an appropriate question. do i feel better? maybe. possibly. but there's lot more to divulge. and i think it may be time to put my thoughts into something slightly more tangible.

f.i.n.a.l.l.y.

its been so so so so damn farking long. i dont know exactly why i'm startin this all over again. i think i'm about to burst. so many emotions. i miss writing in my diary. but i never make the time to write. i miss flipping through pages. writing my thoughts and feelings. the tear stained pages. oh gosh. the memories. i feel so cut off from myself. i get the feeling that this isn't me. why why why.

pardon me as i give off the wrong impression. pardon me as i run away to be alone. pardon me for being weird. pardon me for doing the things i do.

i need to have an outlet. will this be enough. i know this will be short-lived. why do i bother? cos i think i'm gonna crash. i just think so. i fear so. oh gosh. i really really hope not. please. not now.