skip to main |
skip to sidebar
first thing. too busy la.
second thing. yanni said that this is a 'thinking blog'. so there. HAH!
i skip books often. i'll read one halfway through and switch to another. (depending on how heavy my bag is that day) i still havent finished 'The Unholy Ghost' and started on 'The Talented Mr Ripley'. [ricky darling. I'll return the book to you before you leave aight.] and i actually started on kay jamison's 'Exuberance' before reading 'The Unholy Ghost'. TSK. aaaaaaand guess what? i'm reading 'The Half-Blood Prince' now. yeah yeah. short attention span.
but that's not the point.
i was reading 'The Talented Mr Ripley' and halfway through, things get bad for tom ripley. in short, i was quite gut wrenched and felt myself refusing to continue. i've seen the movie so i have a rough idea of what is to come and i guess i just couldnt bring my mind to go there. it was all fine and dandy and it's as if my mind cannot take the shit and contort that seemingly nice beginning. i know i gotta finish the book but i just dread the ending you know. to go through the rest of the book is almost akin to reliving some very bad memories. why feel so much for a book some may ask. i dunno but i guess i revel in the fact that i have the ability to be moved. what's the point of reading, watching a play, dance performance or what not if you cannot be buoyed into the sweeping emotions? i get quite an unpleasant sensation as the book progresses to the point i HAVE to stop reading every few pages to get a grip on myself. yea that tom ripley is a hell of a manipulator. damn calculative and totally emotionless when it comes to others. it gives me the chills really. it's quite disturbing. period.
i know i got my mood swings and negative thoughts and all that shit. but could i lie outright? just for my own gain no matter what happens to the other party? could i possibly think it's my sole right to get whatever i want, whenever i want it? i may not believe i'm that nice a person but i firmly believe i will not be able to stomach being such a manipulator. hey farida taught me that white lies help oil society. but blatant ones? c'mon. how the hell can you live with yourself? i once knew of someone whom i came to realise is a big fat (hell yeah, she's big and fat) liar and fucking manipulator. this year i found out certain things she told me before were actually blatant lies in her attempt to garner sympathy and all that. she was so successful that i became deeply suspicious of someone who turns out to be one of my closer friends now. then, she made me believe that girl was just out to use her. when in fact, she was the big fat liar using ME. of course there are many other thangs she did - some i cannot recall or some i just cannot be bothered to rake up anymore.
call me naive but it's hard for me to swallow that i can get to know such a person personally in my lifetime. hey, you cannot deny such people exist. but to get close to such a person. *shudder* once is enough, thank you very much. but hey, i could be wrong. she could be a really nice person. (i seriously doubt this but i feel compelled to represent her in a slightly better light) what i can say is, good luck to all of you who have made friends with her. just hope you won't be her next victim. but if you'd rather get her 'love' and 'attention', feel free to stay on and keep being manipulated. i wish you the best of luck.
last week's weak outing turn outs aside, del lets go clubbing with eileen. i wanna see that woman dance! hurhur. hey. she's hot. i'm sure you would agree. :)
apropos the previous post, this is just an extension of my warped imagination.
it seems poignant what i suddenly observed. in death, all prayers count. whether from family, friends, acquaintances, fellow followers of your religion. sometimes, we're too caught up with our emotions that we forget that we cannot dictate what others feel towards us. that person whom you conveniently forgot about may still hold you dear in their hearts. you definitely will not know who remembers you in their prayers.
and that is the scary part. it is everyone's onus to forgive whoever it is that wronged them. and i readily admit that is something i really have to work on. it is scary to realise that seemingly person A (who passed away) did not seem to think much about person B. however person B was really affected by person A's passing because he was someone dear to her. in the end, person B's prayers could be the one helping him out in the afterlife.
but THAT could just be the difference between males and females.
everything here is so fleeting. these are all transient happenings. (ok. this concerns my beliefs of which i know many out there do not share) i will not say i'm badly affected. but i was shocked and i need these thangs to jolt me. i may be gone soon and i still have not done half of what i should be doing. i want to be moved into action. but i feel so passive. my faith has lost its lustre of late. i wish to regain what i felt before and hope to sustain it. i'm reminded of the persons who compelled me to do something. now i am finally free of those trappings of yesteryears and i'm starting to scrutinise myself for my own actions unburdened by the thoughts of others.
am i really at a better place in my life right now? on the offset, i probably am. but i'm just not sure. i do wanna look out for my own happiness. i just hope not at the expense of what truly matters in life on earth.
dear friends, please keep me grounded and smack me in the head once in a while. i probably need a fresh dose of reality every now and then.
decided at the last minute to go watch jubilee emas sriwana. (1st thang. why the title of such a production??) oh. i only went cos i didnt hafta pay. hey. its almost like a review ticket. of which i feel compelled to do. but aint sure if i have the time or audacity to do so. with rapid technological advancements, the lay people can easily google 'jubilee emas sriwana' and click on every site that churns out that name. (aha! so why dont i just change the name abit and divulge all my deeply lodged opinions of it?) well. on second thought, it IS risky. dont wanna cause any unwanted extravagant bitch sessions. (in the miniscule chance that other people apart from farida read this. - which is highly unlikely since she herself dont read my blog!) furthermore, who am i to comment?
the setting wasnt too extravagant and was pretty simple. however, its the costumes which uh sort of reek of opulence. oklah 'emas' (gold), duh! but seriously my eyes were hurting man. fine. i know i like dark muted colours. *shrug* the music was quite good. but unfortunately, the dances didnt manage to fully realise the music's potential. i was itching for that something more. the intensity and emotional attachment was sorely sorely lacking. the build up ended up to nothing. the showmanship was quite a let down. (i can imagine being heavily criticised if someone were to read this...) simply put, i didnt feel fulfilled when i left VT.
the whole purpose of this blog isnt about the show. but what i found out this morning.
ibrahim (ayim) raspatul just passed away early this morning. (inna lillah wa inna 'ilayhi raji'un). a result of a motorcycle accident abt 2 days ago. apparently, he was on the way home. warded to the icu and had an operation. however, it was not enough. yesterday, i cleverly thought i didnt need to bring home my charger (again) and the batt went dangerously low. so i decided to switch off my hp to salvage a bit of battery life for the next morning on the way to work. thus, i woke up the next morning and switched on my hp to check for any smses or voice msges. naturally i was shocked (and still am by the way) when i read the received sms. was this some kind of sick joke?? i listened to my voice message and quickly called sham black. his voice was almost shaking. he really sounded at a loss. and i in turn just didnt know what to say. i just apologised for not being able to attend the funeral.
a few hours later, i still cannot believe it. i dunno why. memories of getting to know him and the rest of raspatul back in '99 resurfaced. i just saw the guy again somewhere in february this year after a few years. and now a few months on, he is just gone. i didnt know him that well at all. he was merely an acquaintance. but one of those few i still remembered. he was only a year or two older than me. and he is gone. no chance to say goodbye. no chance to repent. no chance to ask for Allah's forgiveness. mortality just gave me another excruciating reality check. i know this is a typical reaction. people contemplating their own mortality after the passing of someone they know (whether intimately or otherwise). i also know this feeling will eventually pass. but i guess this is one of the reasons why i cannot bear to be too happy or wanna enjoy myself too much. i'm just so so so scared of crashing (mentally and physically). i cant allow myself to wallow in my warped reverie because it will mean nothing if i dont actually do something to improve myself.
[Al-Fatihah...]
0107 melancholy aside. london tragedy. an atrocity, definitely. it brings back memories of the 9/11 period. the disbelief. the slight tension in gp class. namely me and the gp tutor. urgh. it sucked being the only Malay in the class. albeit not the only Muslim. ok. digressed slightly. i apologise. i am past indignation. i guess my vantage point IS slightly different. and i admit to being slightly pressured to discuss this topic instead of some other mundane thang. what can i say?
i dislike the fact that al-qaeda is immediately to this bombing. why? i dislike how my religion is somehow being tied into this thang. urgh. i wont elucidate for fear of being thought i actually SUPPORT those bombings. (that by the way was what my gp tutor thought about me after i gave my opinion on the 9/11 attacks) and this ultimately will lead me to feel disgust for myself. because i'm not a good enough Muslim as i wanna be. urgh. so many thangs troubling me right now.
i would love to leave it at the "post season of brilliance" entries segala. but time moves on and emotions never stay the same. the mood is kinda sombre at the moment. its the end of everything fun and ahem scandalous in the past weeks. its the start of the end of something great ive experienced. kinda looking to tomorrow (figuratively) with trepidation. what will this future bring me now? i had fun with the NAC peeps ive gotten to know. there were countless hilarious and happy moments with them. eventually all of us will go our separate ways and have individual experiences elsewhere. will we still keep in touch? or be lost in our respective thoughts and activities?
ive been so lost to the world. i feel empty. i miss my acute ability to feel pain and misery. i feel quite lost. like i'm stuck in the middle without being able to feel anything. urgh. i need to anchor myself to the world. feel pain. break down once some time in the near future. gosh. i cant be so freaky happy all the time. this empty is even worse than back the time i was constantly depressed. at least back then, i was desperately searching for solace and reassurance. now i dunno what the hell i'm looking for. ive been too caught up with someone to actually pause and feel. just feel. i wanna take a breather. look at me. sieve through the muck and realise something of freaking value. a sense of familiarity just dawned on me after reading dom's blog. that's what ive been feeling for the longest time. maybe that's why i so willingly let myself be caught up in lavished attention. but still wary enough after the previous experience to not jump into it.
help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help. hear my screams. hear my screams. my exterior belie my inner turmoil. there's some impending sense of dread i cant just shake off. i feel so divided. i feel so unbothered. i feel so vapid. what the freak am i feeling?? urgh. i used to feel secure. happy even. almost satisfied with where i was. but not now. i'm gonna lose the security of having these friends around. i'm seriously gonna miss ricky and del. (oklah i still have del around until end july) sigh. i never had such fun caring people who've been this involved in my life. [i'm really gonna miss both of you!!] thank you both for being there for me and being such fun bitches! heh.
ok. frankie's gonna move del's and my pcs and cpus up to the main NAC office soon. we need to clear up. and 0107 will return to the empty space it was. the familiar smell of the office is coming back to me. memories of my first few weeks of internship. alone. trying not to fall sleep with nothing to do. reading stuffs on www.crimelibrary.com (which jac was kind enough to introduce to me) . talking to cik ali. having to bear with a certain person's constant nagging voice. looks like its back to square one folks. i'm seriously gonna miss the Arts Fest temps. they were part of a great time in my life. i consider myself to be close to only del and ricky. (YES. del was sweet enough to get me cake for my birthday!!! despite only knowing me for less than 2 months. and kudos to ricky too! cos she was game in buying the cake even though she only knew me for less than a month!) but all of them played a part in making the season of brilliance a memorable one.
do i sound sappy and emo? bleargh. pardon my emotions. they tend to border on the eccentric. feel too vapid to wanna do any actual work. i guess gotta convince myself to start doing proper work tomorrow. go go suhaila! joel and bayle are moving stuffs out of 0107. *wail* this experience is dying a slow death. i should move my ass and start clearing up my stuffs too. move bitch! i dont seem to have the heart to. neither am i looking forward to dance prac later. workshop by abang rahman. which i have NEVER gone for. NEVER. i'm going just because i feel its my duty as a Perkumpulan Seni member to make an appearance. sigh.
on the topic of dance. i'm following Azpirasi to Pekan Baru, Indonesia at the end of august. doing a dance which they performed for Malam Kilir Jati last year. such a headbanging dance. probably quite perfect for me. practices. all over again. tiring experience again. again. but hey i asked for it. i'm willing to go for the experience. dance. something i wanna improve on. but will it prove useful? i dont know. i hope so. i really do. because i dunno what i'm living life for now. i feel empty and emotionless. lost. lost. lost. why must education play such a critical role in the life of a "successful" singaporean. i feel unaccomplished. i feel like a failed rafflesian. i feel stupid and dumb. i feel so unintellectual next to my former schoolmates who're in university. i feel stupid and dumb. stupid and dumb.
sigh. now on to another stage in my life. please give me strength. and the will to pursue what i want. restore my faith please. i feel increasingly decadent. i feel increasingly lost to the world. anchor me to the world. it all feels so unreal.
My Chemical Romance - Helena [partial lyrics]
whats the worst that i can say?
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long not goodnight
and if you carry on this way
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long not goodnight
can you hear me?
are you near me?
can we pretend
to leave and then
we'll meet again
when both our cars collide
i feel quite moved and extra melancholic when this part of the song plays. it can get damn emotional for me sometimes. i feel so lost and my heart feels clenched when i listen to it. so dark. brooding. black. black. black. it all feels so unreal.
tsk tsk. caught in the act.
and oh. can somebody please please tell me what you think yao long is doing to bayle? i can hardly sleep trying to figure it out. so you kind souls out there. pleeeeeeease get back to me on it ya? i thank thee.
seriously marcus. what's with the butt showing and dodgy tshirt? i mean we all love you. but this is way too much. sometimes subtlety works too...
trying to look strappingly male.
awwww. look at marcus. july 1st was just your day wasnt it? so girls. tell me. which do you prefer? black or white? hurhur.
joel can actually tr ust bayle and yao long with those scissors. *shudder*
and looky here. joel's contemplating a career in hair cutting. i on the other hand personally think he should consider a career as a bouncer. look at him, he's bound to make those errant clubbers think twice about creating a ruckus. but hey. that's just my opinion.
howdy ricky!
we went to the thai embassy opposite far east shopping centre. there was some thailand fiesta of sorts. i wanted to go for the foot massage thingy!! but alas, not enough time and well it was of course quite expensive. 25 bucks fer half hour. at least del thought it was ex. i ate beef noodles from the siam kitchen stall. i like the beef. that's all i can say. yum.
apparently there was some dior sale going on at isetan at shaw tower or was it shaw centre. alaa the lido there la. and so we went. fuiyooooh. not much stuffs left man. we found out it was the THIRD day of the sale. that so freaking explains the lack of merchandise. darn it! i'm soooo becoming a girl u know. make up didnt use to excite me this much. tsk. what is wrong with you suhaila? ok. that aside. i bought some cream eyeshadow. yay. it was nice. only 10 bucks from the actual price of 25 bucks. the good thing is, the colour is not that strikingly obvious. so it looks natural. hurhurhur.
topshop was just next door. so we went to have a quick look see. dang i wanted to get a pair of knickers. but i just had to control myself. hey topshop knickers are nice aight. and ricky tried on this hat thing. i uh dunno what's the proper word to use to describe it. anyway, you can see it for yourself. oh. dont you think she looks cute? hehe.
so yeah. that was our july 1st lunch. a tad extended i admit. sorry la. i miss the weekday afternoon sun lounging and window shopping. gosh. so giiiiiiirl ive become.
pink + green!
i like the colour combination!! this is us. oklah you can only see ricky and lee jen here. this is us on the tibs service 190 going back to office.
ricky's fingers i'm very sure.
ricky tryin to get in the pic.
ok. this is just ONE of a series of pics me and del alternately took by ourselves. hey. its hard trying to keep still on a moving bus!! and ricky was soooo tryin to get in the pics. yes. i love you dear ricky. we'll take more pics of the 3 of us next time aight. and looky at del and me. toothy grins abound!! hurhur.
happy tree friend!!
yes joel. that IS your msn display pic. dont you just feel honoured that 3 girls would afford time away from doing crossword to reply to your msn message? feel proud my man. i am sure not many men out there can boast of such an achievement.
concentrating hard...
yes. we love yahoo crossword. so full of american jargon that only ricky would know. and it was darling ricky who got us hooked on it. i'm just so bloody amused at the way these two are concentrating on it. wow. miss the days when ricky was here. ricky i missssss you!!!
 it's damn smoky in clubs. obviously. so pardon the blurriness.. hahah i think i look weird. i sure as hell didnt know what look i wanted to achieve. sorry la! running out of clubbing clothes. really. like really. really. bleargh. my make up also! gosh under the flash. the make up just looks all wrong. completely.
 ok DIGRESS!! ricky looks quite red. i think it was just after she downed her drinks. i guess i shouldve taken more pics. (oh the one of marvin and alvin is just bad. so so so bad.) but with the smoke and all, i guess it could be pretty pointless. DEL. you want pics. come and save them from here yourself! but i think i've already sent them to you at work!!! TSK.
weird sisterhood i tell you.
yes. i know this is like a freaking week late. oklah. more. sorryla. i'm not an "update-blog-everyday-almost-every-second" kinda person.
1. i'm damn lazy.
2. i'm too busy.
3. oklah i'm not that busy. just cant be bothered to find the time to sometimes.
ANYWAY. (ok i know i digress alot.) we went to rouge on adeline's insistence. (ahem) to celebrate her friend's bday. hehe. oklah i didnt mind. i was just tired. very very tired. (i just know del will be indignant and say "well su, you only have YOURSELF to blame.") ricky brought 3 other friends plus her cousin. del brought marvin. (haha!!) i brought myself. and dom brought along alvin and nicholas (aint sure how the name's spelt tho) so on the outside, it DID seem like quite a big gang going to have fun. however. now i know why my friends have said that rouge is kinda, to put it mildly, boring. in a way, it was. there weren't that many ppl. the songs played were weird to me. i couldnt make myself dance to most of the songs. (but then i COULD be too tired) i was seriously desperate for sleep. and i have some freaking family day carnival at republic poly to perform for the next morning. oh actually just a few hours later. (why do i even subject myself to such shit?)
we left early. slightly before 2 i think. it was that bad i'm sorry to say. i wish i couldve just slept man. the songs were weird. we were having sms conversations on the dance floor. the guys (obvious mambo kings) seemed totally clueless on how to dance to the songs being played. dom and marvin tried to dirty dance with alvin. hahha gosh it was hilarious. alvin really looked freaked out. his face was practically screaming "stay away!!!" *wail* hurhur. i am mean. but hey at least he looked freaked out. which is definitely much more than what i can say about marvin and dom.. they uhm really looked like they were uh enjoying trying to tempt alvin with their dirty dancing moves. come on! they approached alvin more than once even after alvin backed away in horror. tsk. girls masquerading as guys.
i reached home at about 3 plus. slept at about 4 woke up at 7 or so. i was late. i really got a shock when i saw the time. i was supposed to reach cc at 8!!!! but me being kc and dumb, decided to take a cab. tsk. shouldnt have, on hindsight. but then i couldve reached at about 9 plus. which isnt good either. so oh well. i bathed. and piled on the make up. sigh. such thick make up in the early morning is just wrong. just wrong i tell you. urgh. like what they say - tarian punya pasal, terpaksa berkorban - alahai. semangat nya aku. [ok for the non-Malays. that just meant gotta sacrifice for the sake of dance. ] took the cab in the costume pants. such bright blue. totally not me. thankfully i didnt decide to wear the pink top as well! the cab driver is one piece of work. sempat makan apple. lagi2 lepas aku mintak dia cepat sikit. [still can eat an apple even after i asked him to hurry up] waduh waduh. and i was doing my hair in the freaking cab!! my gosh. never have i felt so committed to dance. they should be proud of me. proud!
the stage was small. freaking small for 8 ppl. ok. i'm just making excuses for us not giving a near perfect performance. hehehe. well it WAS small. but hell one dance WAS damn freaking simple. *shrug* the dance steps were easy la. but i guess to get the proper posture segala still takes time. i'm still learning!
after that. makan. was that hungry la. thought i'd go home straight and catch up on sleep. in the end, reached home at about 3pm. managed to catch a few hours of sleep. before going out again to meet..someone. but that is entitled to whole new post (and many others) of its own! hehe. BUT i must add this. i am jinxed i tell you. how come i dont bump into my other friends or something when i went out with some of The End of Recording studio guys. why? why? why? and i went out with them quite a number of times!! freak. to think. even before i approached him, i HAD to bump into kak shidah and abang azrin. this is the life.
|
