a dumbass for the second time.

although not completely debilitated by recent events, i was nonetheless quite perturbed.

*sigh* unsettling. i dont know what other synonyms there are out there to fully describe what i am feeling. unease? uncomfortable? vulnerable? i dont know...

it started out as some defiant act of petulance. well, i guess toying with the idea actually constitutes an actual action. (it's damn cliche but) it WAS such a damn damn rollercoaster ride at the beginning. i felt so insecure that i harboured thoughts of jumping ship. of 'greener pastures'. of who-the-hell-gives-a-damn-i-can-do-whatever-i-want-since-he-did-it-first. or at least that was the mantra replaying in my head.

i can understand the need for attention. for some sort of validation. even if minute. when you have just lost all vestige of self-esteem, anything looks good.

so i thought i wanted it. maybe i encouraged such an idea. maybe i thought it validated my existence. as a person. as a female.

but time passed. and things looked up. naturally, there are the small tiffs and squabbles and disagreements. but generally, things were good. there was great banter. loads of laughter. freaking fun moments. it was such a hoot. in short, it was happening.

there wasn't any need to try to be a certain way to impress. it was natural. it was unassuming. it was cool. it was relaxed. it was just chill. it was damn comfortable.

so i lost interest in that defiant act of petulance. no longer did it hold any appeal. it was no longer even a question of right or wrong because of the current situation. it was just blah. i couldnt care less. like it was too freaking strange-funny to contemplate. and that was what i felt. i dont see it as setting of boundaries. just the unnaturalness of it all turns me off. too odd to be taken seriously.

i guess i was naive. maybe having had too much fun and laughter made me think it would always be like that. but it wasnt. it was quite offputting. too odd. too yeeech. i admit to being emo. but hell. i think what i truly need is someone who listens. not gooey touchy feely shit. dammit. i dont really know. all i know is that is was unnerving and damn uncomfortable.

i wasnt offended. just a tad disgusted. if i gave the wrong impression before. well that was my fault. too bad the signals were all wrong. i was dumb and naive. shucks. i act the way i do to express my inner feelings not some obscure wants. ah dammit. i'm typing in circles.

maybe it was too abrupt of me. but i just had to leave. to go away. to be free. to be alone. my emotional state of mind can be so damn fragile at times.

such.a.dumbass. and for the.second.time.

bloody hell. i doubt i'll be third time 'lucky'.

dont be a dumbass, bitch.

fuck.