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many a time, i've picked up calls from parents who wish to speak to the psychiatrists (or better known in laymen's terms as "doctors") here. their tone of voice indicated a confidence that they've built a strong rapport with the doctors and held no doubt the doctors will immediately answer their calls.
initially, i get a bit bewildered. how can i possibly pass the call to the doctors? i mean, they're definitely busy seeing their current patients. later, i get a bit perplexed and annoyed. why? some speak to me like i'm an idiot who doesnt understand how the doctor is oh so very concerned about their child after i politely tell them the doctor is unavailable. "dr so and so told me this. dr so and so wants me to do this and this." urgh.
they sound like disillusioned lovers i tell you.
little things like such phone calls make me think that these doctors are similar to shrewd people who are able to handle several lovers at a time. da kind where they are able to persuade and convince their lovers that so and so are their only true love but are actually going around jumping from one bed to the next. some of you may vehemently disagree and think it's a bad analogy. but hey, it DOES seem that way to me at times.
yea. mundane rumblings. oh well.
bit by bit i'm coming across words, tales, stories of woe written or told by other people about characteristics similar to a person i encountered some years ago.
it's scary.
ann rule wrote a book entitled above. reading the book didnt exactly give me the chills. it was a quite riveting read just because of the uncanny resemblance in behaviour between the person written about and the person encountered.
i guess i have a penchant for crime stories, especially after my friend introduced me to www.crimelibrary.com . i do prefer thrillers to let's say, romance novels. however, there is a difference between fact and fiction. the sheer magnitude of travesty committed to the victims themselves is just so appalling. it's disgusting and it really boggles most minds. i suppose it's unimaginable to most people. why do i say most? mainly because there are those who are i) pretty nonchalant ii) too preoccupied with their own woes (real or imagined). i believe it does take a shrewd mind to be able to execute some of those macabre acts on others. it takes some intelligence to take the risk and find ways to escape detection. inability to understand and empathise with others are flaws we all have in varying degrees. but (to put it crudely) such acts really take the cake.
sometimes, to the general public, such people do not get the punishment they deserve (IF they actually get convicted). the female written about in the book received less than 15 years imprisonment despite the convoluted web of lies she created to achieve her intended means. i hate to be rash and join in the party who advocates longer sentences and stiffer punishments. her mental health was questioned in the book. how about the many others who were convicted of their murders or abhorred acts? therefore, the penitentiary isn't always the best solution. who can totally understand the human psyche to mete out the "correct" punishment?
*shrug*
Wallahualam. only God knows the punishment she will receive in the end.
enough shit about him.
what can i say? what can i convey to make this anymore worthwhile?
i've been thinking of death a whole lot lately. it scares me. (but apparently, not scared enough yet to repent and pay penance for all my sins.) i wonder how it'd be like. how the realm of the dead is like. no, i'm not itching to find out. i'm scared that i'll never be good enough as how i hope to be. let's face it. we can never be good enough for that level has been attained by one person.
there are so many things to learn. so much unknown. i have yet to scratch the surface of the abundance of knowledge i am supposed to uncover. and here i am, feeling self pity and getting messed up over petty, "worldly" thangs. what on earth is wrong with me? it's not about striving for happiness. it's about trying to attain that understanding of my role here on earth. to be content and truly satisfied after understanding my purpose.
i wish to be at peace. with my place here on earth. to be at peace with everyone.
i wish for that more than anything.
first thang. a shout out to jojo. thank u so so so much!!
gosh. i really love what he has said to me. he was actually able to make me feel complete in God knows how long. *grin*
onward Gentarasa!! and Malam Jaluran Seni II!! hurhur.
ok. enough outbursts. (off da record, i'm still not sure abt MJS II. should i take a breather or go straight on with tarian?)
anyways. my posts so far have been dismal. pa.the.tic. should i be more critical and actually come up with intellectual posts?? haha. once again, dom has not failed to make me think about the sorry state of my blog and its utter lack of content.
friend. such a simple word and often used for convenience's sake.
friend - noun. somebody emotionally close: somebody whom you trust and you are fond of.
i have often been afraid to fully trust or believe others when they claim to be a "friend". for that, i sincerely apologise to those who truly care and felt hurt when i push them away. i have always been wary of the word. somehow, i never felt really capable of making friends since young. i've always felt like the outsider. it even took me years to believe that another person can actually regard me as a friend. as someone said, i'm a tough nut to crack.
despite being socially incompetent, i've slowly learnt to open up and accepted some as MY friends. i guess i started to notice the change last year. especially so when i started my attachment at the national arts council and seated in 0107 together with the other arts fest temps. it was definitely a good time in my life and i was so grateful that some of the temps there were willing to befriend me. the fact that we still do chat with one another occasionally on msn despite being in three different far away countries cheers me up. (love u del and ricky!)
this year has been the best so far. i am quite amazed at how i was willing to talk and open up to some people. it has been quite great. i actually approached those whom i've never met in years or never met at all. it was quite a liberating feeling. some really surprised me and actually listened to what i have to say. some really offered me good advice. all made me feel so much better and helped to convince ME that i'm not such a failure. special thanks to jojo. his words were really invaluable.
thank u all. and i thank God for ur existence.
i went on a spree of talking/sms-ing ppl. ok peeps. tt was a rush. n wont come again until some time in da future.
in some sense, it was good to hear fr different ppl whom i havent heard from in months, even years. i am truly sorry for going to any of u repeatedly when i was in tt form of emotional unstability. a part of me just wanna apologise again but i fear troubling u all - yet again. so i keep quiet n hope tt da nagging feeling wont engulf me.
it was definitely a roller coaster of emotions da past week. it was so wide ranging i dont even know where to begin exactly. but da phrase of da week is definitely
~sense of attachment~
i finally could 'give' a reason to my despair n utter debility of yesteryears. it wasnt love. it wasnt about not being strong enough to be alone. it was just me being so used to having a person, a voice there. it was me frantically trying to hold on to a routine. despite tt routine slowly, slowly tearing me to pieces.
it was a life tt i was so completely used to. it was hard to accept tt da 'facts' u were told throughout those times were actually lies. it was hard to believe tt what defined me then were all false. it was disorienting. n i believe tt's partly why i'm still quite confused about my direction in life. i kinda lost faith in what i used to strongly believe in. did i change? maybe i did. maybe all i'm doing is trying to undo my beliefs which were based on something false n trying to regain my faith through what is true.
or some people would just say 'lame excuse'.
oh well. u cant please everyone. i hafta concede tt it's not just about me wanting to 'have fun' before i regret it. i so badly wanna believe tt despite me partying n what not, my faith still exists. tt i have not completely let go tt part of me.
i managed to get through tt episode without telling anyone da complete story. now, i dont see da need to talk about it as a form of catharsis. i just dont remember much of it now. i cant remember when exactly i let go. but i could see myself being happy again without being caught in tt trap. i saw tt person again last year. i wasn't even angry or anything. i was just really freaking amused.
with him. well. i still care. i cannot deny it. it does seem better to still have him around. but i'm not ready to fully commit myself n say i want him as my guy. i want him around, to go out with n all tt. but i dont wanna go through da responsibilities n commitments again. i dont wanna care. i think i should stop myself from caring so much.
i came to tt conclusion after what he put me through. it was a fucking complete 180. THAT, fyi, made me lose faith in him n what we had. i'll be honest. it's comforting to have him n to hold him in my arms. but other than tt, "it's good day to u, till da next time." it's pointless to care about da in betweens. fucking pointless. u wanna play dirty. i can too.
*shrug* no. we're not together. but yea, i will still look for u if i wanna go out, get something or whatever. we gotta brush up our own acts n decide later. it's not tt i dont listen to ur words. they just bloody contradict ur actions.
ok. i guess i should have some form of update for my blog. but it's like. who da freakin hell reads my blog anyway?? so yes, i'm lazy. no motivation to actually blog. bummer eh. dis is (as usual) some inane rambling to inject some 'life' into my blog.
oh freak. i've used da word 'blog' like four times.
anyway. i'll try to inject some more spice into dis thang. so for those who actually visit dis, hang in there yeah?
i cant describe what i'm feeling. it's not an acute sense of pain. neither is it total emptiness. i don't exactly desperately long for him. i'm more calm about it now. although i may give in to bouts of crying later on. yes, i do admit i am disappointed with myself for getting into this. i saw the signs but i did not heed them. i had a nagging feeling that i had to go through it to understand more of where i went wrong before. what he said last night did enlighten me somewhat. it was a sort of astute observation which was more properly conveyed. i guess it was a kinda nice thing to wanna help me along. i am grateful for that. i couldnt fully explain to him why i thought i loved him. what attracted me to him. it was his understanding of what i craved for i guess. despite him not meeting my ideal expectations. i cannot deny that he did try. and he did make me happy and introduced me to a life i would have never known otherwise. i may have lost the love. i'm not too sure but right now, the feeling seems diminished and almost gone... this life seems to be all about perceptions. maybe Allah does not intend for me to love him anymore. or maybe it is just His punishment to me. i think i am quite resigned to fate. i guess i am aloof. i am sorry that i am this way. but thank you, Allah nonetheless. i do not believe those four months were for nothing.
there are many things he did which made me upset and angry.
however, he did something nice by staying with me when i realised i lost my wallet just now. he was to go off and meet his friends but he didnt. it was a simple act which i am grateful for. it made me love him a bit more and now i miss him.
am i truly blind to his other traits which shouldve sent me running away long ago?
i dont know. i really dont.
could i? should i?
ditto to previous post. mcr! fwaaaaaargh.
maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. daYmn. love the word. hurhur.
ANYWAY. it just felt odd. quite violated in some ways. i felt toyed with somehow. but then, i allowed myself to be. so, it's my fault. there was a tinge of jealousy. and it confirmed my suspicions. at times, i feel as if he is debauching me. he claimed to not have the capacity to make use of anyone but i got no comfort. he had his doubts and now my own are set even deeper. if he can't make me feel that i'm that special for him to wanna settle down, i don't see the point. *shrug* call me selfish but i think i'm at least entitled to that. personally, i think its bull fucking shit to even want me to believe that the mere suggestion of marriage already implies how special i am.
maybe he IS meant to be one of those men who can handle more than one wife and even be competent at it too. (and i dont mean the carnal kind) dammit. it just made me remember an email i received about the strength of the first wife and all that in allowing her husband to marry a second. in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not realising the good behind the reasoning. if Allah says it is fine, then it is. but me being me. i feel quite marginalised and even denote some form of condescension. (behind his reasoning and not His)
i love him. but if at the start, i'm made to feel small. *shrug* maybe, he truly is not worth it. i even feel like i'm trying too hard to be complaisant about his everything. yea, they talk of the trials and tribulations of love and maybe i should be patient and ride it out. though, i kinda doubt he could offer anymore comfort and reassurances. yes he did say of the so called positive differences. but they seem minor in comparison.
we shall wait and see. but fuck it. i think it's bleak. pardon me, i just dont see a future with us in it right now.
mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.
it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.
i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.
caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.
i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.
i.need.to.get.a.grip.
there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.
fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.
i'm about to start on a post which isnt entirely negative and isnt after a particularly wretched incident.
as usual, dom's posts have a knack for 'inciting' me to blog. or maybe, he's just better at elucidating his thoughts for (not quite) all and sundry. his post about forgiving and forgetting just reminds me of what i feel as a particularly bad episode in my life some years back. it was totally wretched. i remember the gut wrenching and heart squeezing feelings. i remember the times sprawled on my bedroom floor - me in a tangled mess of hair and tears. hitting my fists against the floor, the cupboard just because i could not handle the twisted miasma of thoughts and emotions i was having. all of those because of ONE person (and many other imaginary ones, come to think of it). the days i skipped school because i could not bear getting out of my room to shower and get dressed. the frustrations. the self doubt. the indignation. fucking hell. it was fucked.
and i'm almost amazed i went through all that. almost because i'm more amused. it is amusing because i actually allowed myself to be subjected to such treatment. oh well. it is a long time ago. (is 3 -4 years long?) maybe not but it was a completely different life then. i'm not sure if i've forgiven the person. i guess not, since i'm not sure. however, does the fact i'm not seeking vengeance mean i forgave the person? i think ive forgotten most aspects of that ordeal. although, there are of course certain places which evoke a certain a memory and certain incidents throughout the 3 year saga which are still etched in my mind. i remember being so bloody violated. i remember being made to feel downright guilty. i remember feeling desperate enough to give in and doing things against my volition just to get attention. i remember feeling so damn angry and cheated. i remember the incident at jp. i remember losing control of my emotions and picking up a fight in public. i remember being with mateen and holding the bank book in the rain. i remember crying my heart out to him and feeling doubly wretched because i was crying to an ex boyfriend and not even a close friend whom i thought should be there for me. so have i actually forgiven and forgotten? i have no idea. i'm ok now. my suicidal tendencies dont come as frequently and i must admit i AM enjoying life a fair bit more now. i guess ive moved on. especially since i didnt feel the need to kick and punch her when i saw her recently (it could be the fact i saw her at the mosque and she was with her mom. cant exactly showcase violent tendencies in a holy place, can i?) . i felt amused seeing her again because i kept thinking - of all places, in the mosque?! but then, i still expect my money to be returned. and i know i wont hesitate to curse and swear at her if i dont see the money in my account. so i ask again, have i actually forgiven and forgotten?
*shrug*
went to rouge friday night despite being sick (down with fever and flu). i know, i shouldve went home straight after the hari raya show but i just wanted to be out and having fun instead of moping and thinking of him. he didnt exactly cause me distress. i just wanted to be free of him i guess. and hey, at i least i found out that rouge with a live band setting was definitely worth my time. better than the other time i went... (sorry del!) krueger was not bad and they were pretty tight as a band. john molina's vocal skills were admittedly pretty good. i was reliving my primary school days of listening to bryan adams, bon jovi, guns 'n roses when they were belting out those rock numbers. a minus point was the fact they played 'the reason' by hoobastank. of which john molina admitted to not liking either. i like hoobastank during the time 'crawling in the dark' came out. so dont accuse me of blindly hating a band or something. all in all, i came down to this conclusion: i definitely dont mind going to rouge again this time round. hahah.
back to him. the day after rouge, i was so sure it was over between us. mainly because it was tiring to be wary and aloof at the same time. life seemed easier before he came along. the feeling of being more or less settled was lacking. i wanted to be happy in the notion that us existed. i like him and all but it was abit trying to be shrewd about who i can reveal about his existence. obviously, all of us have secrets and we all withhold certain aspects of our life to different groups of people. but i didnt wanna withhold certain important things from my close friends just because i feel us can end anytime. and that was when God surprised me. we agreed to meet up that saturday night. and it turned out to be the nicest, most pleasant time i spent with him. finally, i felt it. the feeling of being more or less settled in the relationship. i like the way we talked, joked, jibed at each other and telling each other lil stories of our lives. it was almost sweet. (and if you actually do know me, i dont like to use words such as 'sweet'. so when i do, you'd better believe it was something different.)
i like that saturday night. thank you.
somehow or other, the night often leaves me a sense of foreboding. i guess it has often been that way. (although at this moment, i am freaking amused. hahahaha. my insides are definitely keeling over from laughing so damn much)
i love the guy. so much. but it's such a warped sense of love. i'm currently reading singled out by trisha ashley and i can definitely identify with the main character's wretched feelings. the words used in the book seem to describe my feelings for him quite perfectly. one moment, i can love him so much that i'm willing to accept him leaving me just because i feel tt it's best for us both. another moment, i love him so much because i'm amused about him being frustrated with me.
cock teaser?
i'm sorry, did i just hear you say i should grow up? hey. i love you. but that dont equate to me giving in everytime. certain thangs are important to me when i ask for help or ask for something. the circumstances should be right as well as the emotions in place. i can be practical but i need to feel the right vibe before doing something. you said it before. i'm shrewd. i reveal only what i feel the person should know. and only when i feel i can illicit the best response.
before the somewhat defensive and angry ramblings, i actually felt melancholic and contemplative. i was thinking of him and my previous dealings. they seemed so similar but so unlike as well. i wonder what God is trying to show me. i so badly wanna listen to Him and understand. i do hope to leave this mortal world with some understanding of His realm which He created. i see the similarities and wonder if God is giving me another chance to go through it and learn more comprehensively what is supposed to be learnt. it IS inexplicable but i think it is THE reason (albeit somewhat incomplete) as to WHY i love him so so so much.
i better appreciate the people around me now. i see their differences and try to understand and accept. i may not be living such a great life but i AM thankful that i went down this path. it could have been better and less decadent, i admit. however, no matter how different the lives we lead, our main purpose is to worship the God Who created us.
he doesnt read my blog. but on the very unlikely chance that he does, i want him to know that deep down i really do love him. just that i'm not as willing to act on the feeling. it's good to know that he's also human and that he is affected by me and what i say.
it takes two hands to clap, by. i'm still taking baby steps on certain aspects about us. i'm sorry if i did hurt you but i want you to realise that it's not only you who's not getting his ideal partner. this is our reality and it's not perfect. that's what makes you damn intriguing to me.
you're the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.
hahah. i just had to have such a header. as a shout out to dom, he has a knack for 'inspiring' me to blog.
simple pleasures?
i am wary of having to be wary all the time. i just wanna be free and believe. it is freaking tiring to be on my toes and avoid those fragile egg shells. hell yeah, it IS a defence mechanism and i admit i will be far more wasted than how i am right now if i didnt utilise it. BUT... *sigh* but nothing..
the thought is worse than the reality.
i worry too much. i think too much. i'm just plain scared. it definitely stems from the fact that i know i dont conform to society's expectations. and it's so much easier (for me, at least) to believe the more negative aspects. (freak. i shouldnt be complaining too much after i included that bit part in.)
his existence as a lesson in my life.
it's almost like a mantra to me. that's what preventing me from just taking that leap to away/ over and done with/ no more pain and wretched thoughts. it's akin to goin' through shit before you get to greener pastures. i wanna go through this and get something invaluable from it. whatever it is, i do pray to not get what i want but what God knows is best for me.
apropos to Aidilfitri, i wanna apologise to everyone who i've encountered in my life and everyone who's encountered my blog (which aint many but isnt the real issue here) . i have committed many sins and this past Ramadhan has been less eventful than i had hoped it to be. i pray to live to experience the next one.
thanks for reading.
disclaimer: this is the title of a dance choreographed by kak lin from teater tari era (era dance theatre). and up till now, i still do not know what it means.
the song for the dance is on repeat mode on my winamp player. hence, the title. it's been giving me ideas for what i wish to include if i were to ever choreograph again. quite lovely, vivid and wild imaginations i have. hurhur.
right now. i'm in a limbo. sort of. i have thangs to do. but i'm just not doing them. i feel so satisfied stuck in my rut of playing stupid games on the pc and listening to dance music. (wake up suhaila!!) i am on the verge of doing thangs i've been wanting to do. BUT. i'm just not getting off my ass and doing them. i need to pri-o-ri-tise. URGH. i'm disgusted with myself sometimes. it's amazing that i'm even blogging right now. i should be doing minutes of a meeting. reply a friend on a project proposal. look out for a certain accessory. edit a song. look for jobs and send out resumes. revise my add math. among other thangs.
aight. aight. some of the thangs on my "to-do" list DO seem frivolous. but i'm not ready to elucidate on them until i'm more certain of the outcome. sigh. the very idea of those possible happenings is akin to efferverscence seen after you add a reactive metal to acid. (haha. i'm tutoring an o level kid in chemistry, ok!) it's very unlike me but i'm almost bubbling with excitement. here, i am. finally, presented with the opportunities to venture into what i was dreaming of a few years ago. but noooooo, i'm being a lazy ass and not doing much about it!
what are those thangs? i apologise. i cannot bring myself to divulge everything just yet. oh gosh. i really hope to accomplish them. i've said it before and i'll say it again. this year has been a revelation of sorts. it's like finally getting out of that coconut shell and getting to live on the outside. these have nothing (or not much) to do with my academic achievements (or not). these seem to deviate from my academic life and more in line with my interests. gosh. am i really that different from my secondary school peers? in retrospect, not exactly. but neither am i pursuing a degree (with honours) and a job related to my qualifications.
back to the dance. wonderful ideas running through my head. of which i do hope will get a chance to be performed and shown to more than lets say five people. these all seem interconnected somehow. my transitional phase. my need for facades (and more blatant ones now). my need to compartmentalise. my blatant disregard for my ownself. remorse over the shit i've done. my inner polar opposites.
he. he, who has been a part of my life for the past month or so. maybe he escalated the process. or maybe his presence just seems to be a catalyst in the turn of events in my life. i realised that most of what i blogged about him seem a tad off. these are MY opinions of him and his actions. either i was wrong or i chose the wrong words to describe what happened between us. quite a bit has happened since my last entry. i lost the love i had for him initially. the love is still there but it's just different. it's inexplicable. i still want him around just for the fact that he intrigues and bewilders me so damn much. in short, life is more interesting with him around. not necessarily less confusing and more stable, mind you.
i didnt change. i wholeheartedly agree with what a close friend said years ago. the essence of who we are still remain despite ever changing ideals and opinions on certain issues. yes, dom. quite a few thangs happened since u last read my blog. but i hope my friends will still accept me despite the superficial changes they see in me.
yeayness.
despite such messed up thoughts and moods. i've reached the conclusion he's not worth my sincerity. but hey. i do believe there's something to be learnt from this. so, i'm still hanging on. although barely by the thread.
anyway. yeayness.
FINALLY gotten the gentarasa video. wahaha. yeayness. like the pekanbaru terikat dance too. plus era's malam kilir jati dance. woohooo. talk about fire of my loins. hurhur.
i'm exuberant.
previous post heading was courtesy of Aiden. this one just above is courtesy of My Chemical Romance.
(that was done in case anyone accuses me of ripping off their lyrics without due credit.)
since the previous post, i met up with him four times after a real downer in the middle of last week. when thangs looked up, i guess we tried to meet up as much as possible before the fasting month.
(on a somewhat lighter note than the rest of this post) i finally went to Home last sat after the freaking Geylang light up. (totally disorganised i swear - but lets not mar this post, shall we?) he did admit he has been bugging me to go for drum & bass way before we met up at zouk. and hey, i finally found out how the ambience is at such a club. it was not too bad. way better than retro night at Dbl O!! (sorry dom) i can get used to it. and he may even be a tad disappointed that i didnt dance. all in all, his friends are a pretty nice bunch. i'm just sorry i was not more sociable. i can be shy sometimes. haha!
i gotta admit, it WAS helluva three weeks of knowing each other. it was like a ping pong match. are we? or are we not? i can feel so damn happy one minute. aloof the next. and quite messed up the minute after. it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. heck, it still is.
i know. i know. why be in a r/ship when it creates such emotional and mental stress on me? for me, it's a sign that i DO care about this r/ship. i cannot deny that he matters to me. i also cannot deny i feel vulnerable next to him. sometimes, i feel like i'm floundering next to him. trying my very best to catch up. hey. i'm 22 and there is still alot for me to learn and go through. there are just some thangs which i need to get used to.
thus, it comes as no surprise that i'm blogging because of some argument/disagreement. i just cant bear to blog about something that makes me happy. it seems fleeting somehow. i realised that it was my fault for being a prat. i tried to apologise but he hasnt responded. and i'm refraining from calling him lest it makes things even worse. i feel so bad and it doesnt help that i'm having cramps.
he's often in my thoughts even when he's made me angry or made me feel just plain lost. i'm glad the fasting month is here because (in his words) it helps slow down the pace of our r/ship and we can better decide where to go from here. i just hope that it'll make thangs all the more clearer for me.
i'm so sorry for what i've said. and i'm sorry i cannot alleviate your pain.
how can one person flood me with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions?
i do not want a repeat of yesteryears. can i trust myself to know that this time round IS different from before? why such a question? simply because my heart is telling me that it IS different where i am now. but somehow, i doubt can i really believe it. yeah. i am full of ambivalence.
who the hell wants to be manipulated? i know i dont. i'm not at the point where all i feel is despair and having the incessant sense of being used. i guess i'm just plain scared. or maybe i'm just one of those people who are NOT meant to be with anyone. i dont freaking know.
i was told my thoughts are fleeting. i wholeheartedly agree. i cant seem to slow down and pinpoint what exactly is the matter and what is the issue which is bugging me big time. right now, i dont even know why i got so annoyed and pissed off just a half hour ago. have i really let down my guard and allowed myself to be extra vulnerable? i dont know how it happened. but i just realised that i care too damn much. i cant be as nonchalant as i used to be. why do i fucking care so much?
is it true then? have i actually fallen?
aight. nothing of much relevance lately. oklah. nothing much of relevance that i'm willing to divulge in full, anyway. furthermore, i'm too embarassed to actually elucidate from the previous post. hahaah. come on, i read my own post all over and i got quite sheepish.
i got quite freaked out yesterday (or should it be the day before yesterday?). lost in my own thoughts and very imagined fears. i acknowledge that i AM often lost and confused. but this time round, i suddenly felt the irrational fear of not being able to believe in myself at all. it was almost as if nothing about me is real. i was just so so so damn scared. i couldnt really explain myself. i was just afraid that i was a right ol' fraud...
"Now the day has come
We are forsaken this time"
- Within Temptation -
i'm feeling a tad poignant, thus the "forsaken" title.
supposedly went clubbing at zouk with dom and friends. (hah! right.) he and his friends obviously went to mambo while del and i went to phuture. hahah. how come it often comes back to just both of us, girl??? all i can say is, thankfully i did meet up the person i was supposed to meet. plus he and his friends were kind enough to look after us as well.
bright colours yesterday at zouk (referring to myself here). wore pastel yellow top and scarf. with a light turquoise bottom. hey, i usually have black in my ensemble. hahah. should've been a kodak moment for me eh? but nah, no pics. aight. main purpose of this blog aint about clubbing at zouk before it closes for renovations next week. it's about the person i met there.
first got to know him through myspace some months back. it's all blurry to me as to how i actually have him on my list in myspace and subsequently on my msn list. (apparently, he noticed the pic where my hand was covering my face in that gpa "photo shoot"). anyway, he was supposed to look for me in phuture without me telling him where i was. i recognised him from pictures on his profile when we bumped into each other on my way out of phuture. (kinda busted the element of surprise) PLUS he was right in my face and staring at me. talk about unnerving. meeting for the first time at the club definitely did not present the opportunity for me to suss him out. at least, he and his friends looked out for del and i. so that was a somewhat positive quality.
did spend some time with him afterwards. i really didnt expect to be taken in by the person. get this, on the back of my mind i was actually thinking, "wot?!?! i'm actually meeting a guy whom i met online...kentalnya!!!" i wont go into overdrive with the "oh-gosh-he-is-so-handsome-i-cant-breathe" shite. precisely because it wasnt like that at all. from the short time we spent time together i felt he was able to address or fill that nagging gap. I..I was surprised that he made me consider possibilities that i absolutely didnt with previous guys. mainly because those guys didnt convince me those possibilities were plausible. it made me wish i could spend more time with him. but it also almost made me wish the encounter didnt happen either.
hell. it was ONE meeting. but the chemistry was almost palpable. and that IS my fear. i dont wish to pursue something which will end up to naught. this time round, it's not the inability to communicate or comprehend each other which is the problem. to me, religion is very much the dampener to this whole thang. hell. the age and education thang weren't even top on my list of cautionary details to consider. and freak, it's like deja vu all over again. religion. (fear of) loving the person that it hurts so much. oh gosh. i AM amused now. maybe it IS a sign. i doubt i can even go on the "lets try to just be friends" jazz. i think i can actually like him too much to even go down that route for now.
on hindsight (and on the bright side), i'm glad we did meet and spent those few hours together. very possibly it is not meant to be. but i'm grateful to him nonetheless. and i do hope that he will meet the right one for him in future.
apologies to those who actually visit this ancient site. i'm too lazy to update. as how my mom would say it, "your heart gotta be in it". and well, my heart hasn't been into the blogging mode. yea, i have time on my hands. but blogging seems to take too much effort at this point of time. hell, i was supposed to upload pics of my pekanbaru trip so that people can see the pics. but i haven't gotten round to doing it. *shrug*
well. since my last entry. i've been to pekanbaru and back. celebrated dom's bday. repaired my pc. caught up on lost. got a new tuition kid. watched boi sakti's 'reminiscing the moon'. and a whole lot of other thangs.
pekanbaru
it was a good experience. i am grateful for abg azmi for giving me the chance to go. the other groups were good. it kinda prompted me to watch other dance performances in singapore. i like how some of the groups had their technique and stamina down pat. it was quite amazing. granted, most of them weren't traditional malay dances or limited themselves to the malay culture. it definitely crossed the line but it was precisely the material for me to ponder over. granted, i didnt watch all the dances or paid attention to everything. but i guess i did take in what i wanted to.
for a moment, i desperately wanted to be better. correction: dance better. it does sound frivolous. but hell, i just wanna be good at something.
it did make me seriously consider choreographing for a moment. however, self-doubt crept in and well.. you get the idea.
dom's bday
we got him cake. del and i got him a nice shirt. (at least WE think it's nice. hurhur) and well he called us wonderful nac ppl. heheh.
boi sakti's ' reminiscing the moon'
woohoo. i liiiiiike!! it wasnt malay dance. it was modern contemporary dance. but it did have malay cultural influences. hey, the man's indonesian. there were definitely elements in that dance which i wished abg azmi incorporated into the 'terikat' dance we brought to pekanbaru. i cant remember all the steps la. but the precision was quite good. it was quite refreshing. the water on the stage. that was real nice. reeeeeal nice. must had quite a big budget. hah! should watch more of such performances i think. keep an open mind. i also realised that choreographers also have a certain similarity in their works. like a trademark move or formation. hmmm.
misc
uh. my mind's drawing a blank. so cant really think of what to type. please remind me to update my blog. hhaha.
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