the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.

somehow or other, the night often leaves me a sense of foreboding. i guess it has often been that way. (although at this moment, i am freaking amused. hahahaha. my insides are definitely keeling over from laughing so damn much)

i love the guy. so much. but it's such a warped sense of love. i'm currently reading singled out by trisha ashley and i can definitely identify with the main character's wretched feelings. the words used in the book seem to describe my feelings for him quite perfectly. one moment, i can love him so much that i'm willing to accept him leaving me just because i feel tt it's best for us both. another moment, i love him so much because i'm amused about him being frustrated with me.

cock teaser?

i'm sorry, did i just hear you say i should grow up? hey. i love you. but that dont equate to me giving in everytime. certain thangs are important to me when i ask for help or ask for something. the circumstances should be right as well as the emotions in place. i can be practical but i need to feel the right vibe before doing something. you said it before. i'm shrewd. i reveal only what i feel the person should know. and only when i feel i can illicit the best response.

before the somewhat defensive and angry ramblings, i actually felt melancholic and contemplative. i was thinking of him and my previous dealings. they seemed so similar but so unlike as well. i wonder what God is trying to show me. i so badly wanna listen to Him and understand. i do hope to leave this mortal world with some understanding of His realm which He created. i see the similarities and wonder if God is giving me another chance to go through it and learn more comprehensively what is supposed to be learnt. it IS inexplicable but i think it is THE reason (albeit somewhat incomplete) as to WHY i love him so so so much.

i better appreciate the people around me now. i see their differences and try to understand and accept. i may not be living such a great life but i AM thankful that i went down this path. it could have been better and less decadent, i admit. however, no matter how different the lives we lead, our main purpose is to worship the God Who created us.

he doesnt read my blog. but on the very unlikely chance that he does, i want him to know that deep down i really do love him. just that i'm not as willing to act on the feeling. it's good to know that he's also human and that he is affected by me and what i say.

it takes two hands to clap, by. i'm still taking baby steps on certain aspects about us. i'm sorry if i did hurt you but i want you to realise that it's not only you who's not getting his ideal partner. this is our reality and it's not perfect. that's what makes you damn intriguing to me.

you're the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.