i never said i'd lie in wait forever.

mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.

it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.

i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.

caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.

i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.

i.need.to.get.a.grip.

there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.

fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.