La...Langkah Nengkeneh

disclaimer: this is the title of a dance choreographed by kak lin from teater tari era (era dance theatre). and up till now, i still do not know what it means.

the song for the dance is on repeat mode on my winamp player. hence, the title. it's been giving me ideas for what i wish to include if i were to ever choreograph again. quite lovely, vivid and wild imaginations i have. hurhur.

right now. i'm in a limbo. sort of. i have thangs to do. but i'm just not doing them. i feel so satisfied stuck in my rut of playing stupid games on the pc and listening to dance music. (wake up suhaila!!) i am on the verge of doing thangs i've been wanting to do. BUT. i'm just not getting off my ass and doing them. i need to pri-o-ri-tise. URGH. i'm disgusted with myself sometimes. it's amazing that i'm even blogging right now. i should be doing minutes of a meeting. reply a friend on a project proposal. look out for a certain accessory. edit a song. look for jobs and send out resumes. revise my add math. among other thangs.

aight. aight. some of the thangs on my "to-do" list DO seem frivolous. but i'm not ready to elucidate on them until i'm more certain of the outcome. sigh. the very idea of those possible happenings is akin to efferverscence seen after you add a reactive metal to acid. (haha. i'm tutoring an o level kid in chemistry, ok!) it's very unlike me but i'm almost bubbling with excitement. here, i am. finally, presented with the opportunities to venture into what i was dreaming of a few years ago. but noooooo, i'm being a lazy ass and not doing much about it!

what are those thangs? i apologise. i cannot bring myself to divulge everything just yet. oh gosh. i really hope to accomplish them. i've said it before and i'll say it again. this year has been a revelation of sorts. it's like finally getting out of that coconut shell and getting to live on the outside. these have nothing (or not much) to do with my academic achievements (or not). these seem to deviate from my academic life and more in line with my interests. gosh. am i really that different from my secondary school peers? in retrospect, not exactly. but neither am i pursuing a degree (with honours) and a job related to my qualifications.

back to the dance. wonderful ideas running through my head. of which i do hope will get a chance to be performed and shown to more than lets say five people. these all seem interconnected somehow. my transitional phase. my need for facades (and more blatant ones now). my need to compartmentalise. my blatant disregard for my ownself. remorse over the shit i've done. my inner polar opposites.

he. he, who has been a part of my life for the past month or so. maybe he escalated the process. or maybe his presence just seems to be a catalyst in the turn of events in my life. i realised that most of what i blogged about him seem a tad off. these are MY opinions of him and his actions. either i was wrong or i chose the wrong words to describe what happened between us. quite a bit has happened since my last entry. i lost the love i had for him initially. the love is still there but it's just different. it's inexplicable. i still want him around just for the fact that he intrigues and bewilders me so damn much. in short, life is more interesting with him around. not necessarily less confusing and more stable, mind you.

i didnt change. i wholeheartedly agree with what a close friend said years ago. the essence of who we are still remain despite ever changing ideals and opinions on certain issues. yes, dom. quite a few thangs happened since u last read my blog. but i hope my friends will still accept me despite the superficial changes they see in me.