mortality.

decided at the last minute to go watch jubilee emas sriwana. (1st thang. why the title of such a production??) oh. i only went cos i didnt hafta pay. hey. its almost like a review ticket. of which i feel compelled to do. but aint sure if i have the time or audacity to do so. with rapid technological advancements, the lay people can easily google 'jubilee emas sriwana' and click on every site that churns out that name. (aha! so why dont i just change the name abit and divulge all my deeply lodged opinions of it?) well. on second thought, it IS risky. dont wanna cause any unwanted extravagant bitch sessions. (in the miniscule chance that other people apart from farida read this. - which is highly unlikely since she herself dont read my blog!) furthermore, who am i to comment?

the setting wasnt too extravagant and was pretty simple. however, its the costumes which uh sort of reek of opulence. oklah 'emas' (gold), duh! but seriously my eyes were hurting man. fine. i know i like dark muted colours. *shrug* the music was quite good. but unfortunately, the dances didnt manage to fully realise the music's potential. i was itching for that something more. the intensity and emotional attachment was sorely sorely lacking. the build up ended up to nothing. the showmanship was quite a let down. (i can imagine being heavily criticised if someone were to read this...) simply put, i didnt feel fulfilled when i left VT.

the whole purpose of this blog isnt about the show. but what i found out this morning.

ibrahim (ayim) raspatul just passed away early this morning. (inna lillah wa inna 'ilayhi raji'un). a result of a motorcycle accident abt 2 days ago. apparently, he was on the way home. warded to the icu and had an operation. however, it was not enough. yesterday, i cleverly thought i didnt need to bring home my charger (again) and the batt went dangerously low. so i decided to switch off my hp to salvage a bit of battery life for the next morning on the way to work. thus, i woke up the next morning and switched on my hp to check for any smses or voice msges. naturally i was shocked (and still am by the way) when i read the received sms. was this some kind of sick joke?? i listened to my voice message and quickly called sham black. his voice was almost shaking. he really sounded at a loss. and i in turn just didnt know what to say. i just apologised for not being able to attend the funeral.

a few hours later, i still cannot believe it. i dunno why. memories of getting to know him and the rest of raspatul back in '99 resurfaced. i just saw the guy again somewhere in february this year after a few years. and now a few months on, he is just gone. i didnt know him that well at all. he was merely an acquaintance. but one of those few i still remembered. he was only a year or two older than me. and he is gone. no chance to say goodbye. no chance to repent. no chance to ask for Allah's forgiveness. mortality just gave me another excruciating reality check. i know this is a typical reaction. people contemplating their own mortality after the passing of someone they know (whether intimately or otherwise). i also know this feeling will eventually pass. but i guess this is one of the reasons why i cannot bear to be too happy or wanna enjoy myself too much. i'm just so so so scared of crashing (mentally and physically). i cant allow myself to wallow in my warped reverie because it will mean nothing if i dont actually do something to improve myself.

[Al-Fatihah...]