it all feels so unreal.

i would love to leave it at the "post season of brilliance" entries segala. but time moves on and emotions never stay the same. the mood is kinda sombre at the moment. its the end of everything fun and ahem scandalous in the past weeks. its the start of the end of something great ive experienced. kinda looking to tomorrow (figuratively) with trepidation. what will this future bring me now? i had fun with the NAC peeps ive gotten to know. there were countless hilarious and happy moments with them. eventually all of us will go our separate ways and have individual experiences elsewhere. will we still keep in touch? or be lost in our respective thoughts and activities?

ive been so lost to the world. i feel empty. i miss my acute ability to feel pain and misery. i feel quite lost. like i'm stuck in the middle without being able to feel anything. urgh. i need to anchor myself to the world. feel pain. break down once some time in the near future. gosh. i cant be so freaky happy all the time. this empty is even worse than back the time i was constantly depressed. at least back then, i was desperately searching for solace and reassurance. now i dunno what the hell i'm looking for. ive been too caught up with someone to actually pause and feel. just feel. i wanna take a breather. look at me. sieve through the muck and realise something of freaking value. a sense of familiarity just dawned on me after reading dom's blog. that's what ive been feeling for the longest time. maybe that's why i so willingly let myself be caught up in lavished attention. but still wary enough after the previous experience to not jump into it.

help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help.help. hear my screams. hear my screams. my exterior belie my inner turmoil. there's some impending sense of dread i cant just shake off. i feel so divided. i feel so unbothered. i feel so vapid. what the freak am i feeling?? urgh. i used to feel secure. happy even. almost satisfied with where i was. but not now. i'm gonna lose the security of having these friends around. i'm seriously gonna miss ricky and del. (oklah i still have del around until end july) sigh. i never had such fun caring people who've been this involved in my life. [i'm really gonna miss both of you!!] thank you both for being there for me and being such fun bitches! heh.

ok. frankie's gonna move del's and my pcs and cpus up to the main NAC office soon. we need to clear up. and 0107 will return to the empty space it was. the familiar smell of the office is coming back to me. memories of my first few weeks of internship. alone. trying not to fall sleep with nothing to do. reading stuffs on www.crimelibrary.com (which jac was kind enough to introduce to me) . talking to cik ali. having to bear with a certain person's constant nagging voice. looks like its back to square one folks. i'm seriously gonna miss the Arts Fest temps. they were part of a great time in my life. i consider myself to be close to only del and ricky. (YES. del was sweet enough to get me cake for my birthday!!! despite only knowing me for less than 2 months. and kudos to ricky too! cos she was game in buying the cake even though she only knew me for less than a month!) but all of them played a part in making the season of brilliance a memorable one.

do i sound sappy and emo? bleargh. pardon my emotions. they tend to border on the eccentric. feel too vapid to wanna do any actual work. i guess gotta convince myself to start doing proper work tomorrow. go go suhaila! joel and bayle are moving stuffs out of 0107. *wail* this experience is dying a slow death. i should move my ass and start clearing up my stuffs too. move bitch! i dont seem to have the heart to. neither am i looking forward to dance prac later. workshop by abang rahman. which i have NEVER gone for. NEVER. i'm going just because i feel its my duty as a Perkumpulan Seni member to make an appearance. sigh.

on the topic of dance. i'm following Azpirasi to Pekan Baru, Indonesia at the end of august. doing a dance which they performed for Malam Kilir Jati last year. such a headbanging dance. probably quite perfect for me. practices. all over again. tiring experience again. again. but hey i asked for it. i'm willing to go for the experience. dance. something i wanna improve on. but will it prove useful? i dont know. i hope so. i really do. because i dunno what i'm living life for now. i feel empty and emotionless. lost. lost. lost. why must education play such a critical role in the life of a "successful" singaporean. i feel unaccomplished. i feel like a failed rafflesian. i feel stupid and dumb. i feel so unintellectual next to my former schoolmates who're in university. i feel stupid and dumb. stupid and dumb.

sigh. now on to another stage in my life. please give me strength. and the will to pursue what i want. restore my faith please. i feel increasingly decadent. i feel increasingly lost to the world. anchor me to the world. it all feels so unreal.

My Chemical Romance - Helena [partial lyrics]

whats the worst that i can say?
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long not goodnight

and if you carry on this way
things are better if i stay
so long and goodnight
so long not goodnight

can you hear me?
are you near me?
can we pretend
to leave and then
we'll meet again
when both our cars collide

i feel quite moved and extra melancholic when this part of the song plays. it can get damn emotional for me sometimes. i feel so lost and my heart feels clenched when i listen to it. so dark. brooding. black. black. black. it all feels so unreal.