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It used to be Plainsunset. Now The Postal Service has taken over.
And once again, it has been proven that I get into things late. Urgh.
But. I still go back to my beloved Lamb of God. Hahahah.
Anyway. I wanted to key in "inexplicable wave of sadness, frustration, longing. and just plain maddening." but that would defeat the purpose of actually proceeding to explain the nuances of my emotions and their causes.
*shrug* I wonder if this is just part and parcel of life. That I will face this struggle no matter where I go, no matter whose company I am in. I feel so conflicted that I wonder if I am even supposed to feel this way so often!
Theoretically, I CAN just leave and be somewhere else. But. Seriously, will it be any different? Will I be accepted? (the fact that my headings do not exactly reflect my posts which are ramblings that jump from topic to topic is a good indication as to how i am) *sigh* Maybe I think too much. Maybe I think in absolute terms. Maybe I'm just an idealist. Maybe.
Maybe...
Faith in own self. Faith in one's own decisions. Such an obscure concept. I wanna believe that whatever decisions I made were right and were made for my own betterment. But even I can't make myself believe that.
Urgh. I have issues, I know. Is it a lack of self esteem? Probably. Coupled with a couldn't care less attitude in certain aspects, I guess I seem like a walking contradiction.
Gotta find myself and I don't even know where to start.
Good luck to me.
- An excerpt from "Many issues about UNSW Asia unresolved as school shuts on Friday" featured on the Channel NewsAsia website 28 June 2007 -
Over 330 applications were submitted to the local universities by students from UNSW Asia.
Many had to spend a lot of time on the applications, just a few days before their UNSW examinations.
Foreign students even had to sit for qualifying exams.
But Channel NewsAsia understands that the local universities are offering only about 20 places.
"They feel very disappointed because they felt that special consideration was not given to them as promised by the various authorities," said Angeline Tan, a UNSW Asia student.
"As a foreign student, I don't really know how the authorities work in Singapore. But when I first came here, I was quite confident they would be very reliable. But when this whole thing happens, it seems like there's no help offered from the government," said Indonesian student Teddy Setiardi, UNSW Asia.
One university said it was already bending backwards to accommodate the students, as university places are already taken up by the larger "dragon year" cohort.
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Read the different coloured text and laugh along with me. Not at the poor displaced students but at the local universities.
In an earlier post, I have already mentioned about the 'wayang' PR act put up by the local universities. And well, it has just been confirmed!
It is just cruel. Fine, you have a certain standard to uphold. That I can understand. BUT don't attempt to show that you're 'actually' considering such students when you're actually not!
Cruel. Cruel. Cruel.
someone i shall nickname yt has made me squeal (softly) in delight.
his voice just lights up the dreary work day.
hahahaha. i sound so dramatic.
i've been calling people for quotations and all that. and there is a particular guy whose voice i just so so so so dig. it's quite uplifting. quite happy-happy. just plain nice.
and no. it's not as if i'm gonna call him just to hear his voice. this is just a (minor) highlight of the work that i hafta do... and *wheeee* i liiiike.
:)
i'm weird that way.
plainsunset - plainsunset
welcome into this place
i call my heart i call my home just take a seat and kick your shoes off just relax enjoy the show it feels so good it feels so nice when someone's standing there around watching everything you do everything you do and now you've come around to me to see my plainsunset and now you've come around to me to see my plainsunset
it feels so good it feels so nice
when there is someone there just watching over you and everything you do it feels so good it feels so nice when someone's listening to everything you say everything you say thank you for coming here to me to see my plainsunset thank you for coming here to me to see my plainsunset
As you can see. I am trying (trying is the imperative word) to focus on work. My gaze happened to land on this particular brochure for food thermometers (yes. those gadgets - if you can even call them that - have been occupying my mind for the past weeks). It seems apt for a post title trying to inconspicuously shout out that I need to pick up the slack and do actual work.
Anyway.
There have been quite a few interesting topics covered in the news lately. That elusive Richard Yong. The NETS and SCV hike this coming July. Dyslexic people. And the big hoo-ha regarding local and foreign tertiary institutions. Abdul Basheer and the utter shock of it all. When I said interesting, I meant those I personally find remotely thought-provoking or just cause for indignation.
I initially thought of starting a post on Richard Yong. You know, commenting about the incompetence of certain government agencies in preventing such a fellow from leaving Singapore. Bring up arguments like how they can 'easily' capture, convict and hang the unfortunate Vietnamese Australian guy for trying to smuggle heroin into Singapore. But not prevent someone (who liberally spent huge amounts of money donated by well meaning people) from leaving Singapore! It's like "Wahey! Raise taxes. Raise prices of goods and services. Price hikes here there everywhere. But what of the money willingly parted to help those in need? Let slip one of the parties who used such donations to their own advantage, I say!" Gaaaaah! Unfairness!
Then, a colleague said "What for complain? The man's already gone!" Bah. That totally extinguished the raging fire within me.
Yes dear Singaporeans, Permanent Residents and anyone else living in Singapore. Prices are on the up, up, up. NETS is raising their levy charges and apparently one retail store has already passed it on to its customers. I've read several comments left on the online Straits Times when an article 'exposed' the mentioned retail store. Yupz, people are not happy. And to think I didn't wanna own credit cards and stick with the humble NETS card for fear of exceeding my credit limit. One thing's for sure, the upcoming price hike will definitely NOT convince my family to subscribe to Starhub Cable.
Up next, the big UNSW fiasco. I totally laughed my head off when I read the bit about local universities offering students chances to send in their applications. Come on! One major reason why most locals take full/part time degree courses with foreign universities is because they cannot get into local universities in the first place. Even certain A Level students with outstanding results (4 As & B4) could not get into the course of their choice (maybe due to Project Work or something or other). I concede there are those brilliant ones on scholarships with foreign universities and those who wish to pursue courses of study unavailable here. But seriously, if given the chance, most of us would rather not spend that extra money, thank you very much. Yeah I hafta agree some of us didn't work as hard or maybe some of us are late bloomers. But give us a break. I know there are many poly grads who wish to pursue a higher education but unfortunately, can't do so locally.
The point is - it is such a 'wayang' PR act on the part of these local universities. (I work in a public relations department. I somewhat understand the rationale for saying certain things or doing some things for the public eye.) You were the ones who rejected our applications anyway. So why bother proclaiming to the displaced UNSW students to send in their applications? Don't crush their hearts again. I believe some of them had to deal with the sadness and disappointment of not being able to enter local universities. Don't offer the good 'deed' just so you will look like caring varsities to the public. Don't dangle the carrot in front of the students, just to snatch it away. They have enough anguish and unanswered questions to deal with.
If I were in their positions, I'd probably submit my applications to the local varsities anyway. Desperation. Hope. Anything to push away the disbelief. Would I believe they would even consider my applications, though? Not a chance.
Another central theme for today is the issue of the Iraq War. Been reading some blogs from certain Iraqis detailing their lives and sentiments. What is there to believe about the world anymore? Can be somewhat linked to the Abdul Basheer incident here in Singapore. However, that will take alot out of me. Maybe I'll dedicate one post to that someday. When I have the will to do so.
Bah.
Someone once said to me that, "Girls from our school cannot handle failure. That's why we suck at relationships." I wanna disagree but two other girls concurred when I related those comments to them.
Bah.
However, I once overheard my AD mention to someone else that Singaporeans are not taught to handle failure. Is this really true? Were we brought up to learn to expect results and anything less just doesn't cut it? Is this a trait inherent in all Singaporeans and not just girls from my school?
Either way, it's still freaky. Freeeeeaky.
Damn. I need some book on how to handle failure. Or.. something.
Times like these, I wish I could just shirk off responsibility, stay in bed and just cry. Think stupid thoughts and cry. Wallow in dumb self-pity. Hate myself for being weak. Cry some more. Feel fucked up for having stupid thoughts. Cry. and Cry. Cry. Cry.
I meant those words I said to you in jest. But there seems to be no point in making it up to you. Or explaining what I really meant. Because it doesn't matter anymore. My own self doubt has crept up on me and smacked me in the face, kicked me in the gut and stomped all over me. My own insecurities have insidiously taken over my whole perspective.
I keep having random thoughts that belittle my self-worth. Thoughts of never complete honesty. Of unfulfilment. Feelings of guilt. I am truly sorry for letting them out on you. Please don't ever think that I never appreciated it. I do know. And that was why I could stay on for as long as we did.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
Of course, I'm sad. I wonder how the coming days will be. But I cannot be selfish anymore. I cannot hang on just for the sake of it. I cannot hang on because you can put up with me. It's not fair to you. I feel so messed up inside. I am still trying to find me. And that's the bloody root to alot of things I guess. Concentrating on finding my ownself leaves not much time for anything else. That is why it's been so hard for me these past few days. I don't think I'm right for you. I don't think it's fair that you have to put up with me. Be with someone who can make you a better person or 'beri kesedaran'. I feel like I'm not good enough for you. Or for anyone. That's what I'm feeling. Not that you're not good enough for me.
I want to be at peace with myself. Please let me be at peace with this decision.
But, of course, it doesn't matter anymore.
What you said to me was so true, "Don't be so emotional. You can go insane." But I can't help it. That's how I am.
I am sorry.
harris called me at around 1am last night and woke me up from my reverie. our usual conversation will ensue with me responding sleepily without actually knowing what i'm responding to. then. i actually mumbled something to him along the lines of "you got sell food thermometers?"
when he replied with a loud and incredulous "huh?!", i snapped out of it and said, "sorry, was dreaming." and went on, a little coherently i hope, about some other things before hanging up.
gosh. work is starting to get to me. food thermometers. bleargh.
what nonsense.
Death is a natural part of life. Death happens anytime and anywhere. But that doesn't make it easy to comprehend or accept.
There has been quite abit of media coverage lately about deaths resulting from freak accidents. This is not to say that deaths do not occur just because the media doesn't cover them. It's... just more in your face. Especially for those who are not directly affected. Read the papers and you end up feeling abit more sombre, abit more contemplative. It's like every minute of your life is taken up by minutes of silences. I guess theoretically that IS the case. We just tend not to dwell on it.
Such tragic ways to pass on. From what our human minds can comprehend, such deaths seem to be all the more painful. Of course none of us actually know how it feels to die. Even those who claim to have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and came back. We do not know if it was painful or not. We know physical pain as how we experienced it here on Earth. So we tend to equate such pain with tragic deaths.
On the other hand, there are those seemingly healthy ones who died in their sleep. We tend to think that such lives didn't end so painfully. But do we really know? We often hear people lamenting about how life is miserable/ difficult/ meaningless. How about the meaning of death? If we cannot 'withstand' life, can we 'withstand' death? Can we?
Nevertheless, family and friends of the deceased feel the emotional pain no matter what the cause of death.
Here is to the fallen SAF soldiers who died because of the crash in Taiwan. Here is to those who died because of the fallen trees. Here is to that girl who drowned in the drain. Here is to Wayne Thunder Seah. Here is to all those who has passed on and will pass on. May mankind believe and be taken care by Him.
- This is from the Online Straits Times Forum 26 May 2007 -
I REFER to the letter, 'Memorial to NSmen who die while on duty' by Mr Lim Chong Leong (ST, May 16), and the reply, 'NSmen who die on duty are not forgotten' (ST, May 23), by Colonel Benedict Lim of the Ministry of Defence.
Mr Lim made some pertinent points in according respect to NSmen who have made the ultimate sacrifice for the nation. I understand and agree with the reasons for his requests, having been an NSman myself, and now the father of a son who will one day serve the nation himself.
I also appreciate the reply from Col Lim where he mentioned that the Singapore Armed Forces make significant monetary compensation to the family, and then remembers the fallen with a minute of silence during the annual SAF Day Parade. However, Col Lim did not address Mr Lim's key point of building a memorial to those who die while in service.
It is an extremely good suggestion to erect a memorial, in a prominent place, to remember our fallen brothers in arms. These men and women, who are sorely missed by their grieving family, deserve more than monetary contribution and a minute of silence. They deserve a memorial for their sacrifice.
A prominent memorial, with individual names engraved, will be much appreciated by the families. It will also be appreciated by future generations of servicemen and women who know they will not be forgotten by their country. If we do not remember them individually in this way, their memory will fade away.
Lieutenant (NS) Thusara Dharmapala
- This is from the Online Straits Times Forum 16 May 2007 -
THE sudden, horrific deaths of and serious injuries to our national servicemen in Taiwan came as a great shock. Young men in their prime about to embark on a promising career were stopped suddenly through no fault of their own. Their parents must have felt devastated to lose their sons in such circumstances.
All Singapore parents with sons in NS, or who are about to enlist, must have felt a strong sense of sadness and empathy for the parents of the dead and injured NSmen. However, we can comfort them only with words of condolence and support. Soon, the incident will be forgotten except by the affected parents and family members.
NS is now 40 years old and there are many families with members from three generations who have served the country. NS has become a rite of passage for all Singapore men and is well entrenched in all families. Unfortunately, as a conscripted force, NS is still viewed by parents as a high-risk activity and most feel anxious and concerned for NSmen's personal safety, notwithstanding training precautions taken.
The effort and sacrifices of NSmen are given recognition in various ways, for example, tax rebates, bonuses and club facilities. However, there appears to be a lack of recognition of unfortunate ones who fall while on duty in the defence of Singapore. They may have fallen but they should not be forgotten.
I suggest that, as part of the 40th anniversary of NS, the Government go one step further in recognising the sacrifices of our young men and at the same time, alleviate the emotional devastation and hardship of parents who may lose their sons in the defence of the country.
I propose that the Government provide insurance coverage for all NSmen during their full-time service and allow them to carry on the policies at their own expense after their operationally ready date (ORD). I believe the premium for group insurance is within the budget of the Government. This is in addition to any payment currently made to families of affected NSmen.
Another proposal is to build a memorial to NSmen who lose their lives while on duty. This could be in a prominent location where the public could visit at any time. Their names could be inscribed on the memorial. On National Day, a simple ceremony could be held there to remember them.
Lim Chong Leong
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And to think my mom was vehemently arguing for the need to have some form of condolences or apology to the parents of the NS men who died last Friday. I agree with what the above writer suggested. There doesn't seem to be much recognition given to those who have died while on national service. Especially in such a freak accident like the one last Friday.
The magnitude of such a loss of life cannot be fully described in words. Please not let their deaths be in vain.
Literally, an unfulfilled wish/intention.
Last Friday, 11 May 2007, two SAF soldiers were killed in Taiwan when a Taiwanese jet crashed into a storeroom. One of them was 3rd Sergeant Isz Sazli Sapari.
I do not know him or his family. But reading the article in Berita Minggu yesterday, I felt sorrow for his family and friends and just the fact a young promising life is lost. More specifically, the lost life of a young promising Malay man.
Call me elitist. But the fact he was offered a place to read in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences in NUS after his national service just made it all the more poignant. There are not many of us who can and are willing to pursue a higher education, hopefully for the better of our families and communities.
It was such a pity.
Once again, it drives home the point that life is transient. Feelings of guilt for being such a bad person enter the conscience. *sigh* Fleeting, random thoughts of death. Of unfulfillment. Of never complete honesty. Of so many faults that make us human.
Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun.
May Allahyarham Isz be well taken care of whereever he is now. And may Allah take care of his family still here on Earth.
- This is from the Straits Time Online Forum 14 May 2007 -
I REFER to the recent letters on the illegal occupation of Iraq by American and British troops.
Readers have referred to the Sept 11, 2001, tragedy as justification for the war, and congratulated America for protecting the rest of the world from 'terrorist-infested nations'.
But al-Qaeda had little or no presence in Iraq prior to the occupation, while now they flourish
there checked only by violence by other factions.
The Bush administration fabricated links between religious extremists al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein's fiercely secular regime when no less than bin Laden described Saddam as a 'bad Muslim'.
What about claims of intervention on humanitarian grounds?
With 600,000 civilians dead and counting, the destruction of the infrastructure of much of the country and the widespread flight of medical personnel, this adventure was not a great success.
The consequent suffering and the horror of Abu Ghraib have recruited more terrorists to the cause than any extremist propanda video ever could.
And this does not result from unexpected events after the fact - the Bush administration must have known, unless colossaly incompetent, that Iraq would be unmanageable without substantially more planning and spending than it undertook.
Former president George H.W. Bush wrote as recently as 1998: 'To occupy Iraq would instantly shatter our coalition, turning the whole Arab world against us and make a broken tyrant into a latter-day hero... assigning young soldiers to a fruitless hunt for a securely entrenched dictator and condemning them to fight in what would be an un-winnable urban guerilla war. It could only plunge that part of the world into even greater instability.'
The Bush administration hinged its case for war on the existence of weapons of mass destruction. This was false, as UN inspectors closer to the situation in Iraq repeatedly warned.
Since, the Lincoln Group has been paid by the American military to circulate US-friendly news stories in ostensibly independent Iraqi newspapers.
America tortures Guantanamo Bay detainees with stress positions and prolonged isolation, driving many to mental illness and several to suicide.
The American media invents fantasies about heroics by US soliders that those soliders, such as Jessica Lynch, themselves repudiate.
Having orchestrated this circus, the US government readies itself to leave Iraq only after passing Bills requiring the opening of the country's oil fields to foreign exploitation.
In the face of this transparently dishonest grab for wealth, it beggars belief that anyone can write of America defending the 'free world'.
Jolene Tan Siyu (Ms)
London, United Kingdom
emo against an emo-less backdrop.
being emo is nothing to be proud of i guess. it's just that i readily admit that i wear my heart on my sleeve. whatever it is, it has nothing to do with the emocore or screamo scenes currently in the rage now.
i am emo. i like black eyeliner. i like black stuffs. since young. and i resent any association with those long fringes covering faces cum thick black eyeliner cum tight black tshirt peeps out there.
sheesh. i reckon there are those who think i'm a poseur of sorts. cos i do wear the standard black thingies but i dont have those piercings (i.e lips. eyebrows. etc) and do self harm or something. bleeeeargh.
just for the record, i believe there truly are depressed people out there. as in clinically depressed. i feel sorry for them. i can understand how damn hard it is for anything to alleviate the pain. that said, it doesnt mean anything that depresses you makes you a depressive. so wake up and deal. dont give real depressives a bad name.
urgh. enough ramblings for tonight.
apropos to the Sept 11 06 post, i've mentioned that The Diary of Jane will be the ONLY song i like from Breaking Benjamin. man. i am so wrong la. i totally dig the vocals. i've ended up liking a few songs, particularly the one below, from their previous album - We Are Not Alone.
Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright...
bloody haunting. i dig benjamin burnley's voice. go figure.
however. i must add something. call me a woman with that condescending tone. call me whatever you want. i gotta admit i get affected somehow if i read somewhere that band line-ups are always changing or there is some fall out within the band, yadda yadda. i know it's completely baseless but it sometimes make me like the band a little less. dunno why. i guess i have some deeply ingrained imagery of perfection and harmony and what not. and the ridiculous thing is, my inner feelings get selective. i reserve the little less like to a few bands. gee.
Incubus - Light Grenades
woohoo! fluffy stuffs. oklah. not really. this album just has this kinda other worldly feel to it. or maybe anything which isn't heavy rock or metal seems other worldly... hmmm. anyway. i must admit i dont have the album prior to this record. i think i've tried listening to it but i dont quite dig it. but this album. yeah yeah yeah. i liiiiike. there is a mix of heavy and laid back stuffs. heavy in the sense of guitar riffs thingy majig. laid back cos it just is. i guess those who know their music and actually play instruments will say their chords are bloody simple or something. but hey, i like their build-up. simple or intricate - fine by me as long as the music just pierces my heart. once again, i gotta say i love brandon boyd's voice! he rocks! rooooocks i tell you! too bloody bad i didnt get to watch them perform in kl some years back. go to their myspace site to check out what brandon has to say about each of the songs!
hahahah. yeah. i have a weakness for nice voices. female and male for singing. almost a prerequisite when checking out new songs/bands/singers. male when not singing. i.e. that hottie deep creamy voice to hear over the phone or right beside your ear. yum! i can just melt...
i am exasperated!! i have no idea why IE and Firefox are acting up on me. i can't use the blogger site as how i used to. the display for creating new posts is totally off kilter. there's some error with widget pop up thingy - i can't even add any page elements.
i can gather there must be something missing or out of order. but seriously, how am i supposed to figure that one out? what IS wrong???
can someone pleeeeeease help me? !!
ok ok. i know i havent updated my blog. i'll put in a tag board and some other thangs in soon enough. i hope.
anyway. i am sick. flu! cough! throat infection! was surrounded by people who were ill last week. now is my down time. freak-0! my nose is red. da skin is peeeeling. gosh. runny noses suck. it's been on and off. on and off. on and off. on and off...
bleeeeeargh.
i need to look like i'm doing work. like reeeally doing work. now, i know how difficult it is to get rough price estimates for collaterals. i ended up waiting for weeks for one i was looking out for before. "can you please drop me an email? i'm busy now./ it's easier for me to give you a reply./ i'm driving now./ blah blah." and when i actually did. almost none of those people actually replied. sigh. maybe i have too high expectations. maybe.
alright. there are quite a few things that i guess i'd like to put up on this online realm soon. (my definition of 'soon' varies greatly. so yeah.) possibly trying to get a load off my chest. i think some people have been giving me weird looks when i go off muttering to myself. i like to talk to myself. mainly because i don't really have anyone to talk to. God doesn't count cos He already knows what's on my mind and in my heart.
so many thoughts. so many emotions. roller coaster ride indeed. especially in light of that tragedy in Japan over the 5 May weekend.
been listening to some new music. either new material or songs i just got to know about.
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
typical song from the band. 1. amy's vocals. 2. piano melody. 3. guitar riffs. i like it nonetheless. it's my feel good song of the moment. hey, every piece cant possibly be a masterpiece. especially if we can tolerate such high levels of mediocrity everyday. anyway. i digress. the lyrics. hahah. yeah it IS too 'single-layered', blah blah (and what other comment out there) but u cant deny it's in your face. i immediately thought it referred to ben moody. heheh. who knows?
Bury Your Dead
i havent been particularly listening to them non-stop. but what i have heard so far is not too bad. there definitely is a uniqueness to every band out there. i'm not that well versed in the metal/hardcore/rock history to actually pick up every nuance and fully appreciate the subtleties. what the heck, they ARE on my playlist now.
Darkest Hour - Tranquil (off the Undoing Ruin album)
gotta thank mateen for introducing them to me. it was a valiant attempt to 'diversify' my music collection. (i admit, i've been listening to a certain band too much) i like their music. the arrangements and guitar riffs. grindcore can give me a rush sometimes but i still prefer something with melody. dark haunting music is such a plus.
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary of Jane
quite possibly, this will be the ONLY song i like from the band. truthfully, this was the song of the moment some months back. hahah. they're definitely not metal, more heavy rock i guess. it's nice to headbang to. nice melody. quite straightforward. i kinda like the lyrics. abit freakish.
i've recently gotten songs from Odd Project, I Killed The Prom Queen (talk about weird band names...), Every Time I Die, among others. still thinking of what other songs to get hold of. on that note, i havent actually listened to them fully yet. heck, i have yet to fully listen to what i already have from years ago. i've took down some band names to give a try. it's still a open question as to when i can actually get down to obtaining those songs.
Lamb of God - Vigil
finally! got hold of this song. i realised tt i only have a handful of songs from the As The Palaces Burn album. first time i heard this song, i went "whoa! nice! ". off the cuff, the song deceptively reminded me of Metallica. dont let the intro fool u. i was quite surprised to hear the slow acoustic guitar. for a moment, i thought there was a slow acoustic song i didnt know about. however, 40 seconds into the song, randy's growls come in. and it's just great the rest of the way. tt's why i love the song. the intro just belies the strength of the song when listened in whole. i like the quite slow guitar riffs and 'melody' injected in the song. listen for yourself, i say. :)
Lamb of God - whole Sacrament album
hahah. YES. i've been listening to them alot. there's something about LoG that i like so much that i keep coming back to listening to their songs. there are songs which get old easily and never quite retain the regular play they once enjoyed. however, not LoG for me. as i've admitted earlier, i'm no music PhD to appreciate every single nuance of the music we have out there. to me, there's something a lil different in each of their albums. Sacrament has a bit more melody to it. it's abit more haunting and is strangely uplifting. it definitely sounds polished. some people may not like that. i give kudos to the band for trying to offer the fans a different fare each time. randy has a greater range here. not really like that in Ashes but still great to listen to nonetheless. \m/
growling vocals and high pitched ones make me gape in awe. i have a weakness for vocalists who can do that. mind you, it's NOT the alternating growling and clean vocals. i especially like vocalists who can growl their lyrics in a comprehensive manner. yes.. i AM referring to Lamb of God's Ashes of the Wake album. when i first heard it, i immediately liked randy's vocals. it sounded different from the usual incomprehensible growlings of many other bands. and it was not purely high pitched screamings either. it seemed like he was talking in a growling voice... hahha. ok fine. i like d randall blythe as a vocalist! heh.
music. as a form of escape. i think i've even been dreaming of all these music in my sleep. it could be a bad thing. oh well. i'm trying to escape from my current reality. so yeah, anything goes at the moment.
i should stop reading ann rule books.
i should.
but i like reading them.
the books leave me with some form of dread and an acute feeling of emptiness. therefore, rationally, it does seem better to stop reading her books.
but then, the emotional me will plough ahead to read tales of other people's lives. not that i'm a busybody. just that the aberrant psyche of certain human beings both disgust and intrigue me.
there hasnt been much to update. which kinda proves the mundane routine that i'm currently going through. sometimes, i refuse to contemplate the future and be more damn proactive. i just get sucked into the ennui of my existence.
urgh. enough. even i get bored of the same ol' thang. useless to put them into words here.
(fyi. title fom lamb of god lyrics.)
i've read more crime stories recently. feeling some inexplicable sense of dread. dishonesty. lies. i feel really uncomfortable. i'm left feeling a bit worried. yes, i am full of questions. even i dont know why. (despite almost always having the urge to ask it) little nagging questions at da back of my head. i feel less secure somehow. i feel quite lost. sometimes remembering the sense of panic i used to have. desperately doing something, anything to be rid of the utter helplessness.
yes. i hafta admit it. i'm quite unhappy. oh. there are happy moments of laughter and all that. while it is true that i'm not as despondent, that ol' miserable feeling is creeping back.
i keep causing my own misery. and i hate myself for it. why do i even persist? i should just let it go. tell myself it's fruitless. i should be more proactive. and take steps for my own future. i keep thinking of da other party. i wanna leave but i cant afford it. i doubt i can ever enter a local uni. maybe i hafta take a part time degree. i really wish to go to school full time.
i hafta go for it. i cant wait for that reassurance that i wont find. 2007. i just hope i'll make it. i guess i feel pretty much unwanted here to crave to be somewhere else. albeit da chances of feeling accepted there wont be that high either. the people at da clinic are a pretty nice bunch in general. i hope to stick for a year. and get to leave. maybe feb/march or july/august. maybe...
i know i'll get out of dis somehow. just unsure of when or how. . .
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