six feet under with no marker.

(fyi. title fom lamb of god lyrics.)

i've read more crime stories recently. feeling some inexplicable sense of dread. dishonesty. lies. i feel really uncomfortable. i'm left feeling a bit worried. yes, i am full of questions. even i dont know why. (despite almost always having the urge to ask it) little nagging questions at da back of my head. i feel less secure somehow. i feel quite lost. sometimes remembering the sense of panic i used to have. desperately doing something, anything to be rid of the utter helplessness.

yes. i hafta admit it. i'm quite unhappy. oh. there are happy moments of laughter and all that. while it is true that i'm not as despondent, that ol' miserable feeling is creeping back.

i keep causing my own misery. and i hate myself for it. why do i even persist? i should just let it go. tell myself it's fruitless. i should be more proactive. and take steps for my own future. i keep thinking of da other party. i wanna leave but i cant afford it. i doubt i can ever enter a local uni. maybe i hafta take a part time degree. i really wish to go to school full time.

i hafta go for it. i cant wait for that reassurance that i wont find. 2007. i just hope i'll make it. i guess i feel pretty much unwanted here to crave to be somewhere else. albeit da chances of feeling accepted there wont be that high either. the people at da clinic are a pretty nice bunch in general. i hope to stick for a year. and get to leave. maybe feb/march or july/august. maybe...

i know i'll get out of dis somehow. just unsure of when or how. . .