i am ruining myself.

Times like these, I wish I could just shirk off responsibility, stay in bed and just cry. Think stupid thoughts and cry. Wallow in dumb self-pity. Hate myself for being weak. Cry some more. Feel fucked up for having stupid thoughts. Cry. and Cry. Cry. Cry.

I meant those words I said to you in jest. But there seems to be no point in making it up to you. Or explaining what I really meant. Because it doesn't matter anymore. My own self doubt has crept up on me and smacked me in the face, kicked me in the gut and stomped all over me. My own insecurities have insidiously taken over my whole perspective.

I keep having random thoughts that belittle my self-worth. Thoughts of never complete honesty. Of unfulfilment. Feelings of guilt. I am truly sorry for letting them out on you. Please don't ever think that I never appreciated it. I do know. And that was why I could stay on for as long as we did.

But it doesn't matter anymore.

Of course, I'm sad. I wonder how the coming days will be. But I cannot be selfish anymore. I cannot hang on just for the sake of it. I cannot hang on because you can put up with me. It's not fair to you. I feel so messed up inside. I am still trying to find me. And that's the bloody root to alot of things I guess. Concentrating on finding my ownself leaves not much time for anything else. That is why it's been so hard for me these past few days. I don't think I'm right for you. I don't think it's fair that you have to put up with me. Be with someone who can make you a better person or 'beri kesedaran'. I feel like I'm not good enough for you. Or for anyone. That's what I'm feeling. Not that you're not good enough for me.

I want to be at peace with myself. Please let me be at peace with this decision.

But, of course, it doesn't matter anymore.

What you said to me was so true, "Don't be so emotional. You can go insane." But I can't help it. That's how I am.

I am sorry.