mercurial.

dance. i love it. but my parents dont exactly approve. my mom has been dropping hints for me to stop. gosh. i dunno what to say to her. i like it. since gentarasa, i really feel like pursuing it a tad further. as in really trying to tell myself to improve. since i'm currently sucking in other areas (especially academic-wise). seriously. sometimes i feel like a failure. i really feel like i'm not meant to be on the same path as my other rafflesian mates. note that. rafflesians. i feel doomed and dumb. urgh. urgh. disgusted with myself sometimes.

studying overseas. i don't wanna burden my mom. especially now that both my parents are not working. argh. argh. but in a way, i feel like running away. i don't wanna be here. noone to miss me when i'm gone. force myself to be independent. give myself a blardy reality check. (but it'll be on my mom's expense. so what IS the whole point?) urgh. seriously. what am i doing with my life. help. help.

i'm becoming increasingly decadent. i'm still struggling to find a balance. still am precariously perched on some narrow line (but i dont know what). i fear some backlash from God. i don't wanna say i'm entitled to some fun cos i don't believe that. i just wanna milk it for all its worth. i wanna enjoy myself at the moment. some real tangible fun. instead of what i was made to believe in before. it was such a fake fake disgusting world back then. maybe it was all the repressed bullshit which is allowing me to lose certain inhibitions and just go for it. tangible. that's the word. i wanna spend time with people who are there. physically. believe in stuffs and not be so damn suspicious all the time. it's time to quit worrying about another. it's time to live my life for me. but i still fear His backlash.

i'm becoming increasingly decadent. please let me believe again. please. i don't wanna lose sight of what i had before. i'm becoming increasingly decadent. help me. please.

i fear His backlash.