Unholy Ghost

ok. trying to consolidate my thoughts, my everything. there have been a lot of happenings since my entry in uh, January. YES i know i haven't updated in like 5 months. no time. no interest. i've been on a high for so long. i just fear crashing.

admittedly, i AM happier. i am so freaking glad (and syukur alhamdullilah) i got out of that rut. YES that miserable rut for God knows how long. i realise i've been happy and kinda crazy of late. unlike my usual brooding self. does that mean i've 'recovered' from my depressive state? i can't trust myself to say that. but i think i can make myself admit that i'm doing pretty good lately.

however. alas. i miss my acute ability to feel pain and misery. i uh bumped into mateen last thursday at clementi interchange. and i got an sms the previous night about certain persons who caused such turbulence in my life a long time ago. so i cried on the bus. that familiar heart piercing sorrow and sense of loss just came back. those unwanted memories. they didn't come 'flooding back' but. but. i was reminded. and i cried. again.

i was ok soon after. i wasn't lulled into my usual contemplative and brooding moments. i was quite happy again later on in the day. i was not worried about being unable to get over it yada yada. i was more, much more disturbed by the fact that i could not bring on the tears at will. frankly, i'm very disturbed. have i lost my acute sense of 'feeling'?

yay i'm happy. but hell. it IS disturbing that i could not recall those painful memories and be moved by it. maybe i should be telling myself that i'm finally at a place untouched by those messed up times. but but but. i mourn the loss. pardon me for being me. it makes me feel somehow that i lost my independence. my ability to curl up and squeeze myself into my thoughts and be totally immersed in them.

don't get me wrong. i am NOT asking for perpetual pain, misery or suffering. sometimes, vapid days can be doses of reality checks. i need those occasional jolts of pain to remind me that i'm still alive and have a duty to fulfil on this earth. being swept away in my delightful, crazy and light hearted moments were something i haven't experienced in a long, long, long time. and i'm truly grateful. i just fear i will get lost in the whirlwind experience.

am i talking sense? well. seeing that i don't really bother what people think of me, i guess that wasn't an appropriate question. do i feel better? maybe. possibly. but there's lot more to divulge. and i think it may be time to put my thoughts into something slightly more tangible.