the title above ignited the desire to blog about my thoughts which i've pushed away far too often recently. it's directly lifted from the phrase someone used to describe himself. aptly put.
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as always, it started quite innocently. began with random searches for a program i've been meaning to watch ever since i found out the crew won. rather unsurprisingly, i got hooked after watching the first vid i found of them on yt.
after watching a couple of vids of their routines and various interviews, i know of/recognised four out of the seven because of sytycd. obviously, i'm over at the shallow end quite often and opinions on looks/personality inevitably were formed. thought one of the four is not bad looking (love his jaw line...heh). and was always inexplicably intrigued by another of the four although i never watched his season except for a few clips on yt. out of the remaining three, one caught my eye cos of his 'gentle-giant' vibe. he's one of the two tallest guys among the seven and also the quietest. seems almost shy when he's not dancing onstage.
well, i should think it's pretty obvious who among the three above inspired this post.
yt vids moved to tud-u (to watch full eps) to their webpage to their personal networking sites (twitter, fb, ms, blogs). the almost defining moment was when i read one of his entries on his ms page - an 'open letter of gratitude' to his fans (or as he prefers to call them, his supporters).
many of his words articulated what i've felt for the longest time about myself. the lack of support. the baggage carried throughout much of my life. being so used to being alone in my lonely life. liking, nay thriving in the notion that i'd rather be alone with my thoughts than be alone in a sea of seemingly uncaring human beings. the difficulty in accepting that there are those who genuinely care about me without any ulterior motives.
however, he has been able to let go of any past baggage and accept that (especially more so now in the spotlight) there are many out there who see in him some semblance of a role model. he explained that even though he'll never meet many of these people, he draws strength from their belief in him. his love and appreciation for them is evident in his art - dance, music, poetry.
i found his entry refreshing in that it was quite uncharacteristic of guys in general (you know the "no chick flick moments" thang). somehow it made sense when i found out he's a gemini too.
he continued to astound me as i came across some of his poems from his old blog. coincidentally, he uploaded his old poems on his new blog shortly after. his ability to articulate his feelings is rather amazing. they were so heartfelt.
i couldn't help but tear a little bit inside reading his poems. that familiar constricting feeling in my heart surfaced again and again as i read the poems over and over. past idealistic notions of 'soulmate' and 'true love' erupted again.
i readily admit that when i was single (especially after an emotionally exhausting and abusive relationship - if you can even call it that) i was constantly in despair. the idea of someone out there who's able to love me was just so incredibly unattainable. i was hurting so much questioning my self worth, wondering if there would ever be a human being who'd sincerely love me and for me to sincerely love back.
of course his poems were more hopeful than despondent. however, his hope (and yearning) to be a wonderful person to his future love did resonate. i know that amidst the broken me, there was some vestige of hope that one day i would make someone else happy and that i would be able to live up or even exceed his expectations.
in my vulnerable state, this is one good example of a guy i would immediately be attracted to. (you know, girls and their fantasies.) my longing to find a guy with whom i'd have an instant emotional connection. the one to be my rock. the type to hold you and have a modicum of understanding of your struggle, desire to be the pillar of support for him. the type who can articulate his love for you and also his struggle to love you as perfectly as he can. the type who's able to hold your attention and make you feel like he actually loves being in your company talking to you.
for the longest time, i stubbornly believed that this is the type of guy for me. and even now, i realise they are my weakness. i get totally suckered in by those emotionally-laden words. i get weak in the knees (cliche!). i can just imagine the intensity of the conversations. getting caught up in the vortex of those seemingly deep words. the chemistry of spoken words and unspoken body language between two people who somehow just slipped into a moment of suspended reality.
ironically, the one i'm with right now (nearly four years together, time really passes us by) is the opposite. he finds it amusing when i'm being emo and sappy. he laughs at me when i cry at movies! our inherent incongruent traits is part of the reason why i keep saying he's been the only guy to put up with my shit. hahah!
he's bucket loads of (oftentimes childish) fun and is almost always full of laughter. we crack jokes at each other and the put downs (done in jest) are commonplace. he doesn't sugarcoat his words and tells it as it is.
it's not the sappy emo words which i need. what i needed was intelligent conversation! he isn't a rock for me to cling on. he toughened me up to be my own rock. being with him showed me that sometimes, emotional connection just isn't instant. it took us more than a year to get our groove on and quite possibly two years to find that equilibrium of trust, love and space apart.
talking about love, he made me realise i don't have to be so angsty about it. the important thing is knowing very well what kind of love it is. i've come to accept the sincerity of an ex who i can finally believe to be a good friend of mine. i've always loved him but it was only recently that i've made peace with that love. tying back to the gemini guy above, i can understand how he can treat unknown people as friends he will remember always. isn't it beautiful to fill your heart with love for those who remember you in their thoughts/look up to you/defend you regardless of whether you know them or not?
yes, i can be quite fan-girly about my so-called obsessions. although this latest one embodies a deeper fascination which hits closer to home. however, despite the seeming shallowness, i am just very thankful that somehow, someway it made me appreciate even more the greatness of the Almighty. through the words and actions of some faraway pinoy american, He reminded me how i should be thankful at how i progressed through life these past few years. He made me reflect on how as a couple (h and i), has progressed. He made me remember that sometimes what we wish for are not the best for us and that He knows what are. i am glad that He made me aware of my weakness which i hope i won't fall prey to.
I'll end this off with a poem created by the latest 'obsession'. Taken from his
blog.
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To My Love
I wonder where you are .
And what you’ve written so far .
Your life story is an enchantment to me
In knowing I will someday be part of it .
You don’t know who I am . Or where I am .
It could be a long time before you find out .
These city lights may never shine your way .
Your symphony might lay unwritten; and your song left silent .
But I will be a blessed man to earn the honor of making you smile .
I’ll live for you before you know it .
The sun won’t ever set on my virtue .
All I have is enough time to improve myself
And ultimately rival the horizon of your elegance .
These days will inevitably become the past .
And we’ll sit and talk about them sometime .
By then, any memories of days when you felt lonely will disperse .
Because you’ll know even then, I was out here .
Working hard to somehow . someday . gain the unfailing ability
To promise you happiness before you know it .
You’ll be a part of my life before you realize I’m even living .
I have faith that you exist . You’re here in my reality somewhere .
And I know I won’t be imagining you forever .
You’re going to be wonderful .
So I need to be that, too .
I can’t paint your picture . Or assemble your image .
Your existence shatters the capacity of my expectations
And I couldn’t even compose a fiction beyond your marvel
If I had an infinite power of boundless exaggeration .
You’re going to change what I believe in life and love .
And what I believe I love about life .
Regardless of how I prepare, I don’t think I’ll ever truly be ready
For that first moment your eyes strike me frozen .
Truly, that will be both the defeat and victory of my spirit .
I’ll have to find a thousand new ways to express myself .
You’ll have me frequently distracted, disoriented, and speechless .
But never regretful to find myself that way .
I used to think that I’d be able to write the most captivating poem
About you . After I know you better .
However, once I finally meet you, I doubt I’ll write anything .
Because everything about you, will be beautifully unexplainable .
So I’m going to spend my time writing for you now .
Until these words grow to fail in value .
At the mercy of your truth .
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