it's just so darn amusing

Maybe I'm getting more cynical in some warped way. Went to St James yesterday after almost a year of not clubbing. It was fun because of (i) the company (PS dancers rawk), (ii) the muuuuzzeeeeek, (iii) the lapse in between clubbing outings, (iv) the absolute hilarity at watching other peeps 'dance', (v) the way some clubbers dole out their suave/seductive moves and (vi) lastly how I just don't give a damn what others think of me (and the moves I make on the dancefloor).

Quite possibly, I've been getting rather comfortable being settled. I find it very fun to take the mickey out of myself and just be plain silly. Don't really care to be a 'lady' and dress up and be all 'adult like'. (I do dress up and make up segala but it's more for myself and not so much cos I'm too embarrassed to be seen by the world sans make up).

Wait, how does this translate to my experience at St James? It was the reminder of how guys try to pick up girls with stupid lines/moves or how girls try to attract guys by being all seductive and what not. I just find it all darn amusing. I guess I'm over that phase of caring too much or wanting attention on me cos I already have someone who wants me warts and all. (However, I admit to going with the flow too much that I sometimes may have misled. And I admit to unashamedly calling attention to myself if I feel like it. - What?) To me, it's not so much the often quoted "whatever happens in the club stays in the club".

It's the notion that all these (apparently) sexual innuendo actually means something. In my head, I go "Fuck, this is hi-larious". I'm not turned on, I'm not impressed, I don't believe a fucking word you say, I don't fucking believe you wanna dance with me just cos you think I dance well. Inside I am laughing. You want me to do/act like this? Sure. I'll just scrutinise your subsequent actions and I laugh even more.

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I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

(part of the lyrics from Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars)

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Everything's fair game for my entertainment, it seems.

Maybe I laugh because I cannot see the sincere intention behind it. Maybe I'm being cynical by thinking it's all fake.

Maybe I should start believing. Then maybe, it won't be so darn amusing anymore.

But too emotionally demanding contemplating the actual plausibility.

Wha..?