prisoner of my own thoughts

it has been a miasma of thoughts and emotions. i can't possibly remember every detail and nuance of emotions felt and it'd probably a too long post if i did. so once again, i'm stuck and unsure of where to begin.

it hasn't exactly been a rollercoaster ride. there weren't any too high 'highs' or too low 'lows'. but it has been a mess of contradictory thoughts and conclusions. why can't i put it all simply? *shrug* i have no idea, really. i think it kinda stems from the fact that i cannot be elicit about certain things. i just can't.

i got a bit confused and indignant this past week. i'm kinda starting to doubt myself and starting to feel like an ol' fraud. i've been called selfish and petty these past two weeks. my fears and concerns were belittled. i felt that strange, claustrophobic kinda anxiety just two nights ago. it reminded me of how scared i was during that abysmal, bleak period in my life. i was so so freaked out to the point i got too scared to sleep. it was unnerving.

i tried to discuss it with someone about it but i ended up being called petty for relating such a problem to him. yea i admit i didn't elucidate my fears so i can't really blame the guy for thinking so. but that didn't stop me from feeling kinda indignant and questioning myself and my life. am i really such a selfish petty dumbass? i can't say it turned out to be a bad day for me. i hafta admit, i did realise some stuffs from his reaction. and like what i said to him, every response is an insight to the human psyche. (personally, i'm not sure if he even understood that statement. but then, i probably cannot understand how he could come up with such a wayward response to what i told him. so i guess it's fair)

i thought that guy was different from the rest of The End of Recording studio guys. chiefly because he's older than all of them. and i guess he is more mature in some aspects than the others. however, lately, i realised his mentality is still pretty much like the other guys i've met. i guess education and family background does play a part no matter how old the person is. he came to the wrong conclusion when i reacted to certain things he said and when i told him about certain gripes. and his reaction to my asking for his help was like deja vu. didn't i just experience that with another guy?

it's quite unfortunate. i guess i'm looking for friendship at the wrong places. i guess these guys cannot grasp the idea of a 'platonic relationship between the sexes'. to quote a friend, such guys need to have 'higher order thinking'. i concur. but i guess there are still lots to tweak on my side. i am learning. i am trying to enjoy my life now and make more friends or acquaintances. it is possible that i am trying to enjoy life as how i should have a few years ago. haha. i am amused by all these incidents in my life. i am thankful. and i really hope there is someone out there who can at least share my sentiments.