skip to main |
skip to sidebar
emo against an emo-less backdrop.
being emo is nothing to be proud of i guess. it's just that i readily admit that i wear my heart on my sleeve. whatever it is, it has nothing to do with the emocore or screamo scenes currently in the rage now.
i am emo. i like black eyeliner. i like black stuffs. since young. and i resent any association with those long fringes covering faces cum thick black eyeliner cum tight black tshirt peeps out there.
sheesh. i reckon there are those who think i'm a poseur of sorts. cos i do wear the standard black thingies but i dont have those piercings (i.e lips. eyebrows. etc) and do self harm or something. bleeeeargh.
just for the record, i believe there truly are depressed people out there. as in clinically depressed. i feel sorry for them. i can understand how damn hard it is for anything to alleviate the pain. that said, it doesnt mean anything that depresses you makes you a depressive. so wake up and deal. dont give real depressives a bad name.
urgh. enough ramblings for tonight.
apropos to the Sept 11 06 post, i've mentioned that The Diary of Jane will be the ONLY song i like from Breaking Benjamin. man. i am so wrong la. i totally dig the vocals. i've ended up liking a few songs, particularly the one below, from their previous album - We Are Not Alone.
Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright...
bloody haunting. i dig benjamin burnley's voice. go figure.
however. i must add something. call me a woman with that condescending tone. call me whatever you want. i gotta admit i get affected somehow if i read somewhere that band line-ups are always changing or there is some fall out within the band, yadda yadda. i know it's completely baseless but it sometimes make me like the band a little less. dunno why. i guess i have some deeply ingrained imagery of perfection and harmony and what not. and the ridiculous thing is, my inner feelings get selective. i reserve the little less like to a few bands. gee.
Incubus - Light Grenades
woohoo! fluffy stuffs. oklah. not really. this album just has this kinda other worldly feel to it. or maybe anything which isn't heavy rock or metal seems other worldly... hmmm. anyway. i must admit i dont have the album prior to this record. i think i've tried listening to it but i dont quite dig it. but this album. yeah yeah yeah. i liiiiike. there is a mix of heavy and laid back stuffs. heavy in the sense of guitar riffs thingy majig. laid back cos it just is. i guess those who know their music and actually play instruments will say their chords are bloody simple or something. but hey, i like their build-up. simple or intricate - fine by me as long as the music just pierces my heart. once again, i gotta say i love brandon boyd's voice! he rocks! rooooocks i tell you! too bloody bad i didnt get to watch them perform in kl some years back. go to their myspace site to check out what brandon has to say about each of the songs!
hahahah. yeah. i have a weakness for nice voices. female and male for singing. almost a prerequisite when checking out new songs/bands/singers. male when not singing. i.e. that hottie deep creamy voice to hear over the phone or right beside your ear. yum! i can just melt...
i am exasperated!! i have no idea why IE and Firefox are acting up on me. i can't use the blogger site as how i used to. the display for creating new posts is totally off kilter. there's some error with widget pop up thingy - i can't even add any page elements.
i can gather there must be something missing or out of order. but seriously, how am i supposed to figure that one out? what IS wrong???
can someone pleeeeeease help me? !!
ok ok. i know i havent updated my blog. i'll put in a tag board and some other thangs in soon enough. i hope.
anyway. i am sick. flu! cough! throat infection! was surrounded by people who were ill last week. now is my down time. freak-0! my nose is red. da skin is peeeeling. gosh. runny noses suck. it's been on and off. on and off. on and off. on and off...
bleeeeeargh.
i need to look like i'm doing work. like reeeally doing work. now, i know how difficult it is to get rough price estimates for collaterals. i ended up waiting for weeks for one i was looking out for before. "can you please drop me an email? i'm busy now./ it's easier for me to give you a reply./ i'm driving now./ blah blah." and when i actually did. almost none of those people actually replied. sigh. maybe i have too high expectations. maybe.
alright. there are quite a few things that i guess i'd like to put up on this online realm soon. (my definition of 'soon' varies greatly. so yeah.) possibly trying to get a load off my chest. i think some people have been giving me weird looks when i go off muttering to myself. i like to talk to myself. mainly because i don't really have anyone to talk to. God doesn't count cos He already knows what's on my mind and in my heart.
so many thoughts. so many emotions. roller coaster ride indeed. especially in light of that tragedy in Japan over the 5 May weekend.
been listening to some new music. either new material or songs i just got to know about.
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
typical song from the band. 1. amy's vocals. 2. piano melody. 3. guitar riffs. i like it nonetheless. it's my feel good song of the moment. hey, every piece cant possibly be a masterpiece. especially if we can tolerate such high levels of mediocrity everyday. anyway. i digress. the lyrics. hahah. yeah it IS too 'single-layered', blah blah (and what other comment out there) but u cant deny it's in your face. i immediately thought it referred to ben moody. heheh. who knows?
Bury Your Dead
i havent been particularly listening to them non-stop. but what i have heard so far is not too bad. there definitely is a uniqueness to every band out there. i'm not that well versed in the metal/hardcore/rock history to actually pick up every nuance and fully appreciate the subtleties. what the heck, they ARE on my playlist now.
Darkest Hour - Tranquil (off the Undoing Ruin album)
gotta thank mateen for introducing them to me. it was a valiant attempt to 'diversify' my music collection. (i admit, i've been listening to a certain band too much) i like their music. the arrangements and guitar riffs. grindcore can give me a rush sometimes but i still prefer something with melody. dark haunting music is such a plus.
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary of Jane
quite possibly, this will be the ONLY song i like from the band. truthfully, this was the song of the moment some months back. hahah. they're definitely not metal, more heavy rock i guess. it's nice to headbang to. nice melody. quite straightforward. i kinda like the lyrics. abit freakish.
i've recently gotten songs from Odd Project, I Killed The Prom Queen (talk about weird band names...), Every Time I Die, among others. still thinking of what other songs to get hold of. on that note, i havent actually listened to them fully yet. heck, i have yet to fully listen to what i already have from years ago. i've took down some band names to give a try. it's still a open question as to when i can actually get down to obtaining those songs.
Lamb of God - Vigil
finally! got hold of this song. i realised tt i only have a handful of songs from the As The Palaces Burn album. first time i heard this song, i went "whoa! nice! ". off the cuff, the song deceptively reminded me of Metallica. dont let the intro fool u. i was quite surprised to hear the slow acoustic guitar. for a moment, i thought there was a slow acoustic song i didnt know about. however, 40 seconds into the song, randy's growls come in. and it's just great the rest of the way. tt's why i love the song. the intro just belies the strength of the song when listened in whole. i like the quite slow guitar riffs and 'melody' injected in the song. listen for yourself, i say. :)
Lamb of God - whole Sacrament album
hahah. YES. i've been listening to them alot. there's something about LoG that i like so much that i keep coming back to listening to their songs. there are songs which get old easily and never quite retain the regular play they once enjoyed. however, not LoG for me. as i've admitted earlier, i'm no music PhD to appreciate every single nuance of the music we have out there. to me, there's something a lil different in each of their albums. Sacrament has a bit more melody to it. it's abit more haunting and is strangely uplifting. it definitely sounds polished. some people may not like that. i give kudos to the band for trying to offer the fans a different fare each time. randy has a greater range here. not really like that in Ashes but still great to listen to nonetheless. \m/
growling vocals and high pitched ones make me gape in awe. i have a weakness for vocalists who can do that. mind you, it's NOT the alternating growling and clean vocals. i especially like vocalists who can growl their lyrics in a comprehensive manner. yes.. i AM referring to Lamb of God's Ashes of the Wake album. when i first heard it, i immediately liked randy's vocals. it sounded different from the usual incomprehensible growlings of many other bands. and it was not purely high pitched screamings either. it seemed like he was talking in a growling voice... hahha. ok fine. i like d randall blythe as a vocalist! heh.
music. as a form of escape. i think i've even been dreaming of all these music in my sleep. it could be a bad thing. oh well. i'm trying to escape from my current reality. so yeah, anything goes at the moment.
i should stop reading ann rule books.
i should.
but i like reading them.
the books leave me with some form of dread and an acute feeling of emptiness. therefore, rationally, it does seem better to stop reading her books.
but then, the emotional me will plough ahead to read tales of other people's lives. not that i'm a busybody. just that the aberrant psyche of certain human beings both disgust and intrigue me.
there hasnt been much to update. which kinda proves the mundane routine that i'm currently going through. sometimes, i refuse to contemplate the future and be more damn proactive. i just get sucked into the ennui of my existence.
urgh. enough. even i get bored of the same ol' thang. useless to put them into words here.
(fyi. title fom lamb of god lyrics.)
i've read more crime stories recently. feeling some inexplicable sense of dread. dishonesty. lies. i feel really uncomfortable. i'm left feeling a bit worried. yes, i am full of questions. even i dont know why. (despite almost always having the urge to ask it) little nagging questions at da back of my head. i feel less secure somehow. i feel quite lost. sometimes remembering the sense of panic i used to have. desperately doing something, anything to be rid of the utter helplessness.
yes. i hafta admit it. i'm quite unhappy. oh. there are happy moments of laughter and all that. while it is true that i'm not as despondent, that ol' miserable feeling is creeping back.
i keep causing my own misery. and i hate myself for it. why do i even persist? i should just let it go. tell myself it's fruitless. i should be more proactive. and take steps for my own future. i keep thinking of da other party. i wanna leave but i cant afford it. i doubt i can ever enter a local uni. maybe i hafta take a part time degree. i really wish to go to school full time.
i hafta go for it. i cant wait for that reassurance that i wont find. 2007. i just hope i'll make it. i guess i feel pretty much unwanted here to crave to be somewhere else. albeit da chances of feeling accepted there wont be that high either. the people at da clinic are a pretty nice bunch in general. i hope to stick for a year. and get to leave. maybe feb/march or july/august. maybe...
i know i'll get out of dis somehow. just unsure of when or how. . .
many a time, i've picked up calls from parents who wish to speak to the psychiatrists (or better known in laymen's terms as "doctors") here. their tone of voice indicated a confidence that they've built a strong rapport with the doctors and held no doubt the doctors will immediately answer their calls.
initially, i get a bit bewildered. how can i possibly pass the call to the doctors? i mean, they're definitely busy seeing their current patients. later, i get a bit perplexed and annoyed. why? some speak to me like i'm an idiot who doesnt understand how the doctor is oh so very concerned about their child after i politely tell them the doctor is unavailable. "dr so and so told me this. dr so and so wants me to do this and this." urgh.
they sound like disillusioned lovers i tell you.
little things like such phone calls make me think that these doctors are similar to shrewd people who are able to handle several lovers at a time. da kind where they are able to persuade and convince their lovers that so and so are their only true love but are actually going around jumping from one bed to the next. some of you may vehemently disagree and think it's a bad analogy. but hey, it DOES seem that way to me at times.
yea. mundane rumblings. oh well.
bit by bit i'm coming across words, tales, stories of woe written or told by other people about characteristics similar to a person i encountered some years ago.
it's scary.
ann rule wrote a book entitled above. reading the book didnt exactly give me the chills. it was a quite riveting read just because of the uncanny resemblance in behaviour between the person written about and the person encountered.
i guess i have a penchant for crime stories, especially after my friend introduced me to www.crimelibrary.com . i do prefer thrillers to let's say, romance novels. however, there is a difference between fact and fiction. the sheer magnitude of travesty committed to the victims themselves is just so appalling. it's disgusting and it really boggles most minds. i suppose it's unimaginable to most people. why do i say most? mainly because there are those who are i) pretty nonchalant ii) too preoccupied with their own woes (real or imagined). i believe it does take a shrewd mind to be able to execute some of those macabre acts on others. it takes some intelligence to take the risk and find ways to escape detection. inability to understand and empathise with others are flaws we all have in varying degrees. but (to put it crudely) such acts really take the cake.
sometimes, to the general public, such people do not get the punishment they deserve (IF they actually get convicted). the female written about in the book received less than 15 years imprisonment despite the convoluted web of lies she created to achieve her intended means. i hate to be rash and join in the party who advocates longer sentences and stiffer punishments. her mental health was questioned in the book. how about the many others who were convicted of their murders or abhorred acts? therefore, the penitentiary isn't always the best solution. who can totally understand the human psyche to mete out the "correct" punishment?
*shrug*
Wallahualam. only God knows the punishment she will receive in the end.
enough shit about him.
what can i say? what can i convey to make this anymore worthwhile?
i've been thinking of death a whole lot lately. it scares me. (but apparently, not scared enough yet to repent and pay penance for all my sins.) i wonder how it'd be like. how the realm of the dead is like. no, i'm not itching to find out. i'm scared that i'll never be good enough as how i hope to be. let's face it. we can never be good enough for that level has been attained by one person.
there are so many things to learn. so much unknown. i have yet to scratch the surface of the abundance of knowledge i am supposed to uncover. and here i am, feeling self pity and getting messed up over petty, "worldly" thangs. what on earth is wrong with me? it's not about striving for happiness. it's about trying to attain that understanding of my role here on earth. to be content and truly satisfied after understanding my purpose.
i wish to be at peace. with my place here on earth. to be at peace with everyone.
i wish for that more than anything.
first thang. a shout out to jojo. thank u so so so much!!
gosh. i really love what he has said to me. he was actually able to make me feel complete in God knows how long. *grin*
onward Gentarasa!! and Malam Jaluran Seni II!! hurhur.
ok. enough outbursts. (off da record, i'm still not sure abt MJS II. should i take a breather or go straight on with tarian?)
anyways. my posts so far have been dismal. pa.the.tic. should i be more critical and actually come up with intellectual posts?? haha. once again, dom has not failed to make me think about the sorry state of my blog and its utter lack of content.
friend. such a simple word and often used for convenience's sake.
friend - noun. somebody emotionally close: somebody whom you trust and you are fond of.
i have often been afraid to fully trust or believe others when they claim to be a "friend". for that, i sincerely apologise to those who truly care and felt hurt when i push them away. i have always been wary of the word. somehow, i never felt really capable of making friends since young. i've always felt like the outsider. it even took me years to believe that another person can actually regard me as a friend. as someone said, i'm a tough nut to crack.
despite being socially incompetent, i've slowly learnt to open up and accepted some as MY friends. i guess i started to notice the change last year. especially so when i started my attachment at the national arts council and seated in 0107 together with the other arts fest temps. it was definitely a good time in my life and i was so grateful that some of the temps there were willing to befriend me. the fact that we still do chat with one another occasionally on msn despite being in three different far away countries cheers me up. (love u del and ricky!)
this year has been the best so far. i am quite amazed at how i was willing to talk and open up to some people. it has been quite great. i actually approached those whom i've never met in years or never met at all. it was quite a liberating feeling. some really surprised me and actually listened to what i have to say. some really offered me good advice. all made me feel so much better and helped to convince ME that i'm not such a failure. special thanks to jojo. his words were really invaluable.
thank u all. and i thank God for ur existence.
i went on a spree of talking/sms-ing ppl. ok peeps. tt was a rush. n wont come again until some time in da future.
in some sense, it was good to hear fr different ppl whom i havent heard from in months, even years. i am truly sorry for going to any of u repeatedly when i was in tt form of emotional unstability. a part of me just wanna apologise again but i fear troubling u all - yet again. so i keep quiet n hope tt da nagging feeling wont engulf me.
it was definitely a roller coaster of emotions da past week. it was so wide ranging i dont even know where to begin exactly. but da phrase of da week is definitely
~sense of attachment~
i finally could 'give' a reason to my despair n utter debility of yesteryears. it wasnt love. it wasnt about not being strong enough to be alone. it was just me being so used to having a person, a voice there. it was me frantically trying to hold on to a routine. despite tt routine slowly, slowly tearing me to pieces.
it was a life tt i was so completely used to. it was hard to accept tt da 'facts' u were told throughout those times were actually lies. it was hard to believe tt what defined me then were all false. it was disorienting. n i believe tt's partly why i'm still quite confused about my direction in life. i kinda lost faith in what i used to strongly believe in. did i change? maybe i did. maybe all i'm doing is trying to undo my beliefs which were based on something false n trying to regain my faith through what is true.
or some people would just say 'lame excuse'.
oh well. u cant please everyone. i hafta concede tt it's not just about me wanting to 'have fun' before i regret it. i so badly wanna believe tt despite me partying n what not, my faith still exists. tt i have not completely let go tt part of me.
i managed to get through tt episode without telling anyone da complete story. now, i dont see da need to talk about it as a form of catharsis. i just dont remember much of it now. i cant remember when exactly i let go. but i could see myself being happy again without being caught in tt trap. i saw tt person again last year. i wasn't even angry or anything. i was just really freaking amused.
with him. well. i still care. i cannot deny it. it does seem better to still have him around. but i'm not ready to fully commit myself n say i want him as my guy. i want him around, to go out with n all tt. but i dont wanna go through da responsibilities n commitments again. i dont wanna care. i think i should stop myself from caring so much.
i came to tt conclusion after what he put me through. it was a fucking complete 180. THAT, fyi, made me lose faith in him n what we had. i'll be honest. it's comforting to have him n to hold him in my arms. but other than tt, "it's good day to u, till da next time." it's pointless to care about da in betweens. fucking pointless. u wanna play dirty. i can too.
*shrug* no. we're not together. but yea, i will still look for u if i wanna go out, get something or whatever. we gotta brush up our own acts n decide later. it's not tt i dont listen to ur words. they just bloody contradict ur actions.
ok. i guess i should have some form of update for my blog. but it's like. who da freakin hell reads my blog anyway?? so yes, i'm lazy. no motivation to actually blog. bummer eh. dis is (as usual) some inane rambling to inject some 'life' into my blog.
oh freak. i've used da word 'blog' like four times.
anyway. i'll try to inject some more spice into dis thang. so for those who actually visit dis, hang in there yeah?
i cant describe what i'm feeling. it's not an acute sense of pain. neither is it total emptiness. i don't exactly desperately long for him. i'm more calm about it now. although i may give in to bouts of crying later on. yes, i do admit i am disappointed with myself for getting into this. i saw the signs but i did not heed them. i had a nagging feeling that i had to go through it to understand more of where i went wrong before. what he said last night did enlighten me somewhat. it was a sort of astute observation which was more properly conveyed. i guess it was a kinda nice thing to wanna help me along. i am grateful for that. i couldnt fully explain to him why i thought i loved him. what attracted me to him. it was his understanding of what i craved for i guess. despite him not meeting my ideal expectations. i cannot deny that he did try. and he did make me happy and introduced me to a life i would have never known otherwise. i may have lost the love. i'm not too sure but right now, the feeling seems diminished and almost gone... this life seems to be all about perceptions. maybe Allah does not intend for me to love him anymore. or maybe it is just His punishment to me. i think i am quite resigned to fate. i guess i am aloof. i am sorry that i am this way. but thank you, Allah nonetheless. i do not believe those four months were for nothing.
there are many things he did which made me upset and angry.
however, he did something nice by staying with me when i realised i lost my wallet just now. he was to go off and meet his friends but he didnt. it was a simple act which i am grateful for. it made me love him a bit more and now i miss him.
am i truly blind to his other traits which shouldve sent me running away long ago?
i dont know. i really dont.
could i? should i?
ditto to previous post. mcr! fwaaaaaargh.
maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. daYmn. love the word. hurhur.
ANYWAY. it just felt odd. quite violated in some ways. i felt toyed with somehow. but then, i allowed myself to be. so, it's my fault. there was a tinge of jealousy. and it confirmed my suspicions. at times, i feel as if he is debauching me. he claimed to not have the capacity to make use of anyone but i got no comfort. he had his doubts and now my own are set even deeper. if he can't make me feel that i'm that special for him to wanna settle down, i don't see the point. *shrug* call me selfish but i think i'm at least entitled to that. personally, i think its bull fucking shit to even want me to believe that the mere suggestion of marriage already implies how special i am.
maybe he IS meant to be one of those men who can handle more than one wife and even be competent at it too. (and i dont mean the carnal kind) dammit. it just made me remember an email i received about the strength of the first wife and all that in allowing her husband to marry a second. in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not realising the good behind the reasoning. if Allah says it is fine, then it is. but me being me. i feel quite marginalised and even denote some form of condescension. (behind his reasoning and not His)
i love him. but if at the start, i'm made to feel small. *shrug* maybe, he truly is not worth it. i even feel like i'm trying too hard to be complaisant about his everything. yea, they talk of the trials and tribulations of love and maybe i should be patient and ride it out. though, i kinda doubt he could offer anymore comfort and reassurances. yes he did say of the so called positive differences. but they seem minor in comparison.
we shall wait and see. but fuck it. i think it's bleak. pardon me, i just dont see a future with us in it right now.
mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.
it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.
i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.
caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.
i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.
i.need.to.get.a.grip.
there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.
fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.
i'm about to start on a post which isnt entirely negative and isnt after a particularly wretched incident.
as usual, dom's posts have a knack for 'inciting' me to blog. or maybe, he's just better at elucidating his thoughts for (not quite) all and sundry. his post about forgiving and forgetting just reminds me of what i feel as a particularly bad episode in my life some years back. it was totally wretched. i remember the gut wrenching and heart squeezing feelings. i remember the times sprawled on my bedroom floor - me in a tangled mess of hair and tears. hitting my fists against the floor, the cupboard just because i could not handle the twisted miasma of thoughts and emotions i was having. all of those because of ONE person (and many other imaginary ones, come to think of it). the days i skipped school because i could not bear getting out of my room to shower and get dressed. the frustrations. the self doubt. the indignation. fucking hell. it was fucked.
and i'm almost amazed i went through all that. almost because i'm more amused. it is amusing because i actually allowed myself to be subjected to such treatment. oh well. it is a long time ago. (is 3 -4 years long?) maybe not but it was a completely different life then. i'm not sure if i've forgiven the person. i guess not, since i'm not sure. however, does the fact i'm not seeking vengeance mean i forgave the person? i think ive forgotten most aspects of that ordeal. although, there are of course certain places which evoke a certain a memory and certain incidents throughout the 3 year saga which are still etched in my mind. i remember being so bloody violated. i remember being made to feel downright guilty. i remember feeling desperate enough to give in and doing things against my volition just to get attention. i remember feeling so damn angry and cheated. i remember the incident at jp. i remember losing control of my emotions and picking up a fight in public. i remember being with mateen and holding the bank book in the rain. i remember crying my heart out to him and feeling doubly wretched because i was crying to an ex boyfriend and not even a close friend whom i thought should be there for me. so have i actually forgiven and forgotten? i have no idea. i'm ok now. my suicidal tendencies dont come as frequently and i must admit i AM enjoying life a fair bit more now. i guess ive moved on. especially since i didnt feel the need to kick and punch her when i saw her recently (it could be the fact i saw her at the mosque and she was with her mom. cant exactly showcase violent tendencies in a holy place, can i?) . i felt amused seeing her again because i kept thinking - of all places, in the mosque?! but then, i still expect my money to be returned. and i know i wont hesitate to curse and swear at her if i dont see the money in my account. so i ask again, have i actually forgiven and forgotten?
*shrug*
went to rouge friday night despite being sick (down with fever and flu). i know, i shouldve went home straight after the hari raya show but i just wanted to be out and having fun instead of moping and thinking of him. he didnt exactly cause me distress. i just wanted to be free of him i guess. and hey, at i least i found out that rouge with a live band setting was definitely worth my time. better than the other time i went... (sorry del!) krueger was not bad and they were pretty tight as a band. john molina's vocal skills were admittedly pretty good. i was reliving my primary school days of listening to bryan adams, bon jovi, guns 'n roses when they were belting out those rock numbers. a minus point was the fact they played 'the reason' by hoobastank. of which john molina admitted to not liking either. i like hoobastank during the time 'crawling in the dark' came out. so dont accuse me of blindly hating a band or something. all in all, i came down to this conclusion: i definitely dont mind going to rouge again this time round. hahah.
back to him. the day after rouge, i was so sure it was over between us. mainly because it was tiring to be wary and aloof at the same time. life seemed easier before he came along. the feeling of being more or less settled was lacking. i wanted to be happy in the notion that us existed. i like him and all but it was abit trying to be shrewd about who i can reveal about his existence. obviously, all of us have secrets and we all withhold certain aspects of our life to different groups of people. but i didnt wanna withhold certain important things from my close friends just because i feel us can end anytime. and that was when God surprised me. we agreed to meet up that saturday night. and it turned out to be the nicest, most pleasant time i spent with him. finally, i felt it. the feeling of being more or less settled in the relationship. i like the way we talked, joked, jibed at each other and telling each other lil stories of our lives. it was almost sweet. (and if you actually do know me, i dont like to use words such as 'sweet'. so when i do, you'd better believe it was something different.)
i like that saturday night. thank you.
somehow or other, the night often leaves me a sense of foreboding. i guess it has often been that way. (although at this moment, i am freaking amused. hahahaha. my insides are definitely keeling over from laughing so damn much)
i love the guy. so much. but it's such a warped sense of love. i'm currently reading singled out by trisha ashley and i can definitely identify with the main character's wretched feelings. the words used in the book seem to describe my feelings for him quite perfectly. one moment, i can love him so much that i'm willing to accept him leaving me just because i feel tt it's best for us both. another moment, i love him so much because i'm amused about him being frustrated with me.
cock teaser?
i'm sorry, did i just hear you say i should grow up? hey. i love you. but that dont equate to me giving in everytime. certain thangs are important to me when i ask for help or ask for something. the circumstances should be right as well as the emotions in place. i can be practical but i need to feel the right vibe before doing something. you said it before. i'm shrewd. i reveal only what i feel the person should know. and only when i feel i can illicit the best response.
before the somewhat defensive and angry ramblings, i actually felt melancholic and contemplative. i was thinking of him and my previous dealings. they seemed so similar but so unlike as well. i wonder what God is trying to show me. i so badly wanna listen to Him and understand. i do hope to leave this mortal world with some understanding of His realm which He created. i see the similarities and wonder if God is giving me another chance to go through it and learn more comprehensively what is supposed to be learnt. it IS inexplicable but i think it is THE reason (albeit somewhat incomplete) as to WHY i love him so so so much.
i better appreciate the people around me now. i see their differences and try to understand and accept. i may not be living such a great life but i AM thankful that i went down this path. it could have been better and less decadent, i admit. however, no matter how different the lives we lead, our main purpose is to worship the God Who created us.
he doesnt read my blog. but on the very unlikely chance that he does, i want him to know that deep down i really do love him. just that i'm not as willing to act on the feeling. it's good to know that he's also human and that he is affected by me and what i say.
it takes two hands to clap, by. i'm still taking baby steps on certain aspects about us. i'm sorry if i did hurt you but i want you to realise that it's not only you who's not getting his ideal partner. this is our reality and it's not perfect. that's what makes you damn intriguing to me.
you're the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.
hahah. i just had to have such a header. as a shout out to dom, he has a knack for 'inspiring' me to blog.
simple pleasures?
i am wary of having to be wary all the time. i just wanna be free and believe. it is freaking tiring to be on my toes and avoid those fragile egg shells. hell yeah, it IS a defence mechanism and i admit i will be far more wasted than how i am right now if i didnt utilise it. BUT... *sigh* but nothing..
the thought is worse than the reality.
i worry too much. i think too much. i'm just plain scared. it definitely stems from the fact that i know i dont conform to society's expectations. and it's so much easier (for me, at least) to believe the more negative aspects. (freak. i shouldnt be complaining too much after i included that bit part in.)
his existence as a lesson in my life.
it's almost like a mantra to me. that's what preventing me from just taking that leap to away/ over and done with/ no more pain and wretched thoughts. it's akin to goin' through shit before you get to greener pastures. i wanna go through this and get something invaluable from it. whatever it is, i do pray to not get what i want but what God knows is best for me.
apropos to Aidilfitri, i wanna apologise to everyone who i've encountered in my life and everyone who's encountered my blog (which aint many but isnt the real issue here) . i have committed many sins and this past Ramadhan has been less eventful than i had hoped it to be. i pray to live to experience the next one.
thanks for reading.
|
