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- This is from the Online Straits Times Forum 16 May 2007 -
THE sudden, horrific deaths of and serious injuries to our national servicemen in Taiwan came as a great shock. Young men in their prime about to embark on a promising career were stopped suddenly through no fault of their own. Their parents must have felt devastated to lose their sons in such circumstances.
All Singapore parents with sons in NS, or who are about to enlist, must have felt a strong sense of sadness and empathy for the parents of the dead and injured NSmen. However, we can comfort them only with words of condolence and support. Soon, the incident will be forgotten except by the affected parents and family members.
NS is now 40 years old and there are many families with members from three generations who have served the country. NS has become a rite of passage for all Singapore men and is well entrenched in all families. Unfortunately, as a conscripted force, NS is still viewed by parents as a high-risk activity and most feel anxious and concerned for NSmen's personal safety, notwithstanding training precautions taken.
The effort and sacrifices of NSmen are given recognition in various ways, for example, tax rebates, bonuses and club facilities. However, there appears to be a lack of recognition of unfortunate ones who fall while on duty in the defence of Singapore. They may have fallen but they should not be forgotten.
I suggest that, as part of the 40th anniversary of NS, the Government go one step further in recognising the sacrifices of our young men and at the same time, alleviate the emotional devastation and hardship of parents who may lose their sons in the defence of the country.
I propose that the Government provide insurance coverage for all NSmen during their full-time service and allow them to carry on the policies at their own expense after their operationally ready date (ORD). I believe the premium for group insurance is within the budget of the Government. This is in addition to any payment currently made to families of affected NSmen.
Another proposal is to build a memorial to NSmen who lose their lives while on duty. This could be in a prominent location where the public could visit at any time. Their names could be inscribed on the memorial. On National Day, a simple ceremony could be held there to remember them.
Lim Chong Leong
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And to think my mom was vehemently arguing for the need to have some form of condolences or apology to the parents of the NS men who died last Friday. I agree with what the above writer suggested. There doesn't seem to be much recognition given to those who have died while on national service. Especially in such a freak accident like the one last Friday.
The magnitude of such a loss of life cannot be fully described in words. Please not let their deaths be in vain.
Literally, an unfulfilled wish/intention.
Last Friday, 11 May 2007, two SAF soldiers were killed in Taiwan when a Taiwanese jet crashed into a storeroom. One of them was 3rd Sergeant Isz Sazli Sapari.
I do not know him or his family. But reading the article in Berita Minggu yesterday, I felt sorrow for his family and friends and just the fact a young promising life is lost. More specifically, the lost life of a young promising Malay man.
Call me elitist. But the fact he was offered a place to read in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences in NUS after his national service just made it all the more poignant. There are not many of us who can and are willing to pursue a higher education, hopefully for the better of our families and communities.
It was such a pity.
Once again, it drives home the point that life is transient. Feelings of guilt for being such a bad person enter the conscience. *sigh* Fleeting, random thoughts of death. Of unfulfillment. Of never complete honesty. Of so many faults that make us human.
Inna lillah wa inna ilaihi rajiun.
May Allahyarham Isz be well taken care of whereever he is now. And may Allah take care of his family still here on Earth.
- This is from the Straits Time Online Forum 14 May 2007 -
I REFER to the recent letters on the illegal occupation of Iraq by American and British troops.
Readers have referred to the Sept 11, 2001, tragedy as justification for the war, and congratulated America for protecting the rest of the world from 'terrorist-infested nations'.
But al-Qaeda had little or no presence in Iraq prior to the occupation, while now they flourish
there checked only by violence by other factions.
The Bush administration fabricated links between religious extremists al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein's fiercely secular regime when no less than bin Laden described Saddam as a 'bad Muslim'.
What about claims of intervention on humanitarian grounds?
With 600,000 civilians dead and counting, the destruction of the infrastructure of much of the country and the widespread flight of medical personnel, this adventure was not a great success.
The consequent suffering and the horror of Abu Ghraib have recruited more terrorists to the cause than any extremist propanda video ever could.
And this does not result from unexpected events after the fact - the Bush administration must have known, unless colossaly incompetent, that Iraq would be unmanageable without substantially more planning and spending than it undertook.
Former president George H.W. Bush wrote as recently as 1998: 'To occupy Iraq would instantly shatter our coalition, turning the whole Arab world against us and make a broken tyrant into a latter-day hero... assigning young soldiers to a fruitless hunt for a securely entrenched dictator and condemning them to fight in what would be an un-winnable urban guerilla war. It could only plunge that part of the world into even greater instability.'
The Bush administration hinged its case for war on the existence of weapons of mass destruction. This was false, as UN inspectors closer to the situation in Iraq repeatedly warned.
Since, the Lincoln Group has been paid by the American military to circulate US-friendly news stories in ostensibly independent Iraqi newspapers.
America tortures Guantanamo Bay detainees with stress positions and prolonged isolation, driving many to mental illness and several to suicide.
The American media invents fantasies about heroics by US soliders that those soliders, such as Jessica Lynch, themselves repudiate.
Having orchestrated this circus, the US government readies itself to leave Iraq only after passing Bills requiring the opening of the country's oil fields to foreign exploitation.
In the face of this transparently dishonest grab for wealth, it beggars belief that anyone can write of America defending the 'free world'.
Jolene Tan Siyu (Ms)
London, United Kingdom
emo against an emo-less backdrop.
being emo is nothing to be proud of i guess. it's just that i readily admit that i wear my heart on my sleeve. whatever it is, it has nothing to do with the emocore or screamo scenes currently in the rage now.
i am emo. i like black eyeliner. i like black stuffs. since young. and i resent any association with those long fringes covering faces cum thick black eyeliner cum tight black tshirt peeps out there.
sheesh. i reckon there are those who think i'm a poseur of sorts. cos i do wear the standard black thingies but i dont have those piercings (i.e lips. eyebrows. etc) and do self harm or something. bleeeeargh.
just for the record, i believe there truly are depressed people out there. as in clinically depressed. i feel sorry for them. i can understand how damn hard it is for anything to alleviate the pain. that said, it doesnt mean anything that depresses you makes you a depressive. so wake up and deal. dont give real depressives a bad name.
urgh. enough ramblings for tonight.
apropos to the Sept 11 06 post, i've mentioned that The Diary of Jane will be the ONLY song i like from Breaking Benjamin. man. i am so wrong la. i totally dig the vocals. i've ended up liking a few songs, particularly the one below, from their previous album - We Are Not Alone.
Breaking Benjamin - So Cold
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright
It's alright...
bloody haunting. i dig benjamin burnley's voice. go figure.
however. i must add something. call me a woman with that condescending tone. call me whatever you want. i gotta admit i get affected somehow if i read somewhere that band line-ups are always changing or there is some fall out within the band, yadda yadda. i know it's completely baseless but it sometimes make me like the band a little less. dunno why. i guess i have some deeply ingrained imagery of perfection and harmony and what not. and the ridiculous thing is, my inner feelings get selective. i reserve the little less like to a few bands. gee.
Incubus - Light Grenades
woohoo! fluffy stuffs. oklah. not really. this album just has this kinda other worldly feel to it. or maybe anything which isn't heavy rock or metal seems other worldly... hmmm. anyway. i must admit i dont have the album prior to this record. i think i've tried listening to it but i dont quite dig it. but this album. yeah yeah yeah. i liiiiike. there is a mix of heavy and laid back stuffs. heavy in the sense of guitar riffs thingy majig. laid back cos it just is. i guess those who know their music and actually play instruments will say their chords are bloody simple or something. but hey, i like their build-up. simple or intricate - fine by me as long as the music just pierces my heart. once again, i gotta say i love brandon boyd's voice! he rocks! rooooocks i tell you! too bloody bad i didnt get to watch them perform in kl some years back. go to their myspace site to check out what brandon has to say about each of the songs!
hahahah. yeah. i have a weakness for nice voices. female and male for singing. almost a prerequisite when checking out new songs/bands/singers. male when not singing. i.e. that hottie deep creamy voice to hear over the phone or right beside your ear. yum! i can just melt...
i am exasperated!! i have no idea why IE and Firefox are acting up on me. i can't use the blogger site as how i used to. the display for creating new posts is totally off kilter. there's some error with widget pop up thingy - i can't even add any page elements.
i can gather there must be something missing or out of order. but seriously, how am i supposed to figure that one out? what IS wrong???
can someone pleeeeeease help me? !!
ok ok. i know i havent updated my blog. i'll put in a tag board and some other thangs in soon enough. i hope.
anyway. i am sick. flu! cough! throat infection! was surrounded by people who were ill last week. now is my down time. freak-0! my nose is red. da skin is peeeeling. gosh. runny noses suck. it's been on and off. on and off. on and off. on and off...
bleeeeeargh.
i need to look like i'm doing work. like reeeally doing work. now, i know how difficult it is to get rough price estimates for collaterals. i ended up waiting for weeks for one i was looking out for before. "can you please drop me an email? i'm busy now./ it's easier for me to give you a reply./ i'm driving now./ blah blah." and when i actually did. almost none of those people actually replied. sigh. maybe i have too high expectations. maybe.
alright. there are quite a few things that i guess i'd like to put up on this online realm soon. (my definition of 'soon' varies greatly. so yeah.) possibly trying to get a load off my chest. i think some people have been giving me weird looks when i go off muttering to myself. i like to talk to myself. mainly because i don't really have anyone to talk to. God doesn't count cos He already knows what's on my mind and in my heart.
so many thoughts. so many emotions. roller coaster ride indeed. especially in light of that tragedy in Japan over the 5 May weekend.
been listening to some new music. either new material or songs i just got to know about.
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober
typical song from the band. 1. amy's vocals. 2. piano melody. 3. guitar riffs. i like it nonetheless. it's my feel good song of the moment. hey, every piece cant possibly be a masterpiece. especially if we can tolerate such high levels of mediocrity everyday. anyway. i digress. the lyrics. hahah. yeah it IS too 'single-layered', blah blah (and what other comment out there) but u cant deny it's in your face. i immediately thought it referred to ben moody. heheh. who knows?
Bury Your Dead
i havent been particularly listening to them non-stop. but what i have heard so far is not too bad. there definitely is a uniqueness to every band out there. i'm not that well versed in the metal/hardcore/rock history to actually pick up every nuance and fully appreciate the subtleties. what the heck, they ARE on my playlist now.
Darkest Hour - Tranquil (off the Undoing Ruin album)
gotta thank mateen for introducing them to me. it was a valiant attempt to 'diversify' my music collection. (i admit, i've been listening to a certain band too much) i like their music. the arrangements and guitar riffs. grindcore can give me a rush sometimes but i still prefer something with melody. dark haunting music is such a plus.
Breaking Benjamin - The Diary of Jane
quite possibly, this will be the ONLY song i like from the band. truthfully, this was the song of the moment some months back. hahah. they're definitely not metal, more heavy rock i guess. it's nice to headbang to. nice melody. quite straightforward. i kinda like the lyrics. abit freakish.
i've recently gotten songs from Odd Project, I Killed The Prom Queen (talk about weird band names...), Every Time I Die, among others. still thinking of what other songs to get hold of. on that note, i havent actually listened to them fully yet. heck, i have yet to fully listen to what i already have from years ago. i've took down some band names to give a try. it's still a open question as to when i can actually get down to obtaining those songs.
Lamb of God - Vigil
finally! got hold of this song. i realised tt i only have a handful of songs from the As The Palaces Burn album. first time i heard this song, i went "whoa! nice! ". off the cuff, the song deceptively reminded me of Metallica. dont let the intro fool u. i was quite surprised to hear the slow acoustic guitar. for a moment, i thought there was a slow acoustic song i didnt know about. however, 40 seconds into the song, randy's growls come in. and it's just great the rest of the way. tt's why i love the song. the intro just belies the strength of the song when listened in whole. i like the quite slow guitar riffs and 'melody' injected in the song. listen for yourself, i say. :)
Lamb of God - whole Sacrament album
hahah. YES. i've been listening to them alot. there's something about LoG that i like so much that i keep coming back to listening to their songs. there are songs which get old easily and never quite retain the regular play they once enjoyed. however, not LoG for me. as i've admitted earlier, i'm no music PhD to appreciate every single nuance of the music we have out there. to me, there's something a lil different in each of their albums. Sacrament has a bit more melody to it. it's abit more haunting and is strangely uplifting. it definitely sounds polished. some people may not like that. i give kudos to the band for trying to offer the fans a different fare each time. randy has a greater range here. not really like that in Ashes but still great to listen to nonetheless. \m/
growling vocals and high pitched ones make me gape in awe. i have a weakness for vocalists who can do that. mind you, it's NOT the alternating growling and clean vocals. i especially like vocalists who can growl their lyrics in a comprehensive manner. yes.. i AM referring to Lamb of God's Ashes of the Wake album. when i first heard it, i immediately liked randy's vocals. it sounded different from the usual incomprehensible growlings of many other bands. and it was not purely high pitched screamings either. it seemed like he was talking in a growling voice... hahha. ok fine. i like d randall blythe as a vocalist! heh.
music. as a form of escape. i think i've even been dreaming of all these music in my sleep. it could be a bad thing. oh well. i'm trying to escape from my current reality. so yeah, anything goes at the moment.
i should stop reading ann rule books.
i should.
but i like reading them.
the books leave me with some form of dread and an acute feeling of emptiness. therefore, rationally, it does seem better to stop reading her books.
but then, the emotional me will plough ahead to read tales of other people's lives. not that i'm a busybody. just that the aberrant psyche of certain human beings both disgust and intrigue me.
there hasnt been much to update. which kinda proves the mundane routine that i'm currently going through. sometimes, i refuse to contemplate the future and be more damn proactive. i just get sucked into the ennui of my existence.
urgh. enough. even i get bored of the same ol' thang. useless to put them into words here.
(fyi. title fom lamb of god lyrics.)
i've read more crime stories recently. feeling some inexplicable sense of dread. dishonesty. lies. i feel really uncomfortable. i'm left feeling a bit worried. yes, i am full of questions. even i dont know why. (despite almost always having the urge to ask it) little nagging questions at da back of my head. i feel less secure somehow. i feel quite lost. sometimes remembering the sense of panic i used to have. desperately doing something, anything to be rid of the utter helplessness.
yes. i hafta admit it. i'm quite unhappy. oh. there are happy moments of laughter and all that. while it is true that i'm not as despondent, that ol' miserable feeling is creeping back.
i keep causing my own misery. and i hate myself for it. why do i even persist? i should just let it go. tell myself it's fruitless. i should be more proactive. and take steps for my own future. i keep thinking of da other party. i wanna leave but i cant afford it. i doubt i can ever enter a local uni. maybe i hafta take a part time degree. i really wish to go to school full time.
i hafta go for it. i cant wait for that reassurance that i wont find. 2007. i just hope i'll make it. i guess i feel pretty much unwanted here to crave to be somewhere else. albeit da chances of feeling accepted there wont be that high either. the people at da clinic are a pretty nice bunch in general. i hope to stick for a year. and get to leave. maybe feb/march or july/august. maybe...
i know i'll get out of dis somehow. just unsure of when or how. . .
many a time, i've picked up calls from parents who wish to speak to the psychiatrists (or better known in laymen's terms as "doctors") here. their tone of voice indicated a confidence that they've built a strong rapport with the doctors and held no doubt the doctors will immediately answer their calls.
initially, i get a bit bewildered. how can i possibly pass the call to the doctors? i mean, they're definitely busy seeing their current patients. later, i get a bit perplexed and annoyed. why? some speak to me like i'm an idiot who doesnt understand how the doctor is oh so very concerned about their child after i politely tell them the doctor is unavailable. "dr so and so told me this. dr so and so wants me to do this and this." urgh.
they sound like disillusioned lovers i tell you.
little things like such phone calls make me think that these doctors are similar to shrewd people who are able to handle several lovers at a time. da kind where they are able to persuade and convince their lovers that so and so are their only true love but are actually going around jumping from one bed to the next. some of you may vehemently disagree and think it's a bad analogy. but hey, it DOES seem that way to me at times.
yea. mundane rumblings. oh well.
bit by bit i'm coming across words, tales, stories of woe written or told by other people about characteristics similar to a person i encountered some years ago.
it's scary.
ann rule wrote a book entitled above. reading the book didnt exactly give me the chills. it was a quite riveting read just because of the uncanny resemblance in behaviour between the person written about and the person encountered.
i guess i have a penchant for crime stories, especially after my friend introduced me to www.crimelibrary.com . i do prefer thrillers to let's say, romance novels. however, there is a difference between fact and fiction. the sheer magnitude of travesty committed to the victims themselves is just so appalling. it's disgusting and it really boggles most minds. i suppose it's unimaginable to most people. why do i say most? mainly because there are those who are i) pretty nonchalant ii) too preoccupied with their own woes (real or imagined). i believe it does take a shrewd mind to be able to execute some of those macabre acts on others. it takes some intelligence to take the risk and find ways to escape detection. inability to understand and empathise with others are flaws we all have in varying degrees. but (to put it crudely) such acts really take the cake.
sometimes, to the general public, such people do not get the punishment they deserve (IF they actually get convicted). the female written about in the book received less than 15 years imprisonment despite the convoluted web of lies she created to achieve her intended means. i hate to be rash and join in the party who advocates longer sentences and stiffer punishments. her mental health was questioned in the book. how about the many others who were convicted of their murders or abhorred acts? therefore, the penitentiary isn't always the best solution. who can totally understand the human psyche to mete out the "correct" punishment?
*shrug*
Wallahualam. only God knows the punishment she will receive in the end.
enough shit about him.
what can i say? what can i convey to make this anymore worthwhile?
i've been thinking of death a whole lot lately. it scares me. (but apparently, not scared enough yet to repent and pay penance for all my sins.) i wonder how it'd be like. how the realm of the dead is like. no, i'm not itching to find out. i'm scared that i'll never be good enough as how i hope to be. let's face it. we can never be good enough for that level has been attained by one person.
there are so many things to learn. so much unknown. i have yet to scratch the surface of the abundance of knowledge i am supposed to uncover. and here i am, feeling self pity and getting messed up over petty, "worldly" thangs. what on earth is wrong with me? it's not about striving for happiness. it's about trying to attain that understanding of my role here on earth. to be content and truly satisfied after understanding my purpose.
i wish to be at peace. with my place here on earth. to be at peace with everyone.
i wish for that more than anything.
first thang. a shout out to jojo. thank u so so so much!!
gosh. i really love what he has said to me. he was actually able to make me feel complete in God knows how long. *grin*
onward Gentarasa!! and Malam Jaluran Seni II!! hurhur.
ok. enough outbursts. (off da record, i'm still not sure abt MJS II. should i take a breather or go straight on with tarian?)
anyways. my posts so far have been dismal. pa.the.tic. should i be more critical and actually come up with intellectual posts?? haha. once again, dom has not failed to make me think about the sorry state of my blog and its utter lack of content.
friend. such a simple word and often used for convenience's sake.
friend - noun. somebody emotionally close: somebody whom you trust and you are fond of.
i have often been afraid to fully trust or believe others when they claim to be a "friend". for that, i sincerely apologise to those who truly care and felt hurt when i push them away. i have always been wary of the word. somehow, i never felt really capable of making friends since young. i've always felt like the outsider. it even took me years to believe that another person can actually regard me as a friend. as someone said, i'm a tough nut to crack.
despite being socially incompetent, i've slowly learnt to open up and accepted some as MY friends. i guess i started to notice the change last year. especially so when i started my attachment at the national arts council and seated in 0107 together with the other arts fest temps. it was definitely a good time in my life and i was so grateful that some of the temps there were willing to befriend me. the fact that we still do chat with one another occasionally on msn despite being in three different far away countries cheers me up. (love u del and ricky!)
this year has been the best so far. i am quite amazed at how i was willing to talk and open up to some people. it has been quite great. i actually approached those whom i've never met in years or never met at all. it was quite a liberating feeling. some really surprised me and actually listened to what i have to say. some really offered me good advice. all made me feel so much better and helped to convince ME that i'm not such a failure. special thanks to jojo. his words were really invaluable.
thank u all. and i thank God for ur existence.
i went on a spree of talking/sms-ing ppl. ok peeps. tt was a rush. n wont come again until some time in da future.
in some sense, it was good to hear fr different ppl whom i havent heard from in months, even years. i am truly sorry for going to any of u repeatedly when i was in tt form of emotional unstability. a part of me just wanna apologise again but i fear troubling u all - yet again. so i keep quiet n hope tt da nagging feeling wont engulf me.
it was definitely a roller coaster of emotions da past week. it was so wide ranging i dont even know where to begin exactly. but da phrase of da week is definitely
~sense of attachment~
i finally could 'give' a reason to my despair n utter debility of yesteryears. it wasnt love. it wasnt about not being strong enough to be alone. it was just me being so used to having a person, a voice there. it was me frantically trying to hold on to a routine. despite tt routine slowly, slowly tearing me to pieces.
it was a life tt i was so completely used to. it was hard to accept tt da 'facts' u were told throughout those times were actually lies. it was hard to believe tt what defined me then were all false. it was disorienting. n i believe tt's partly why i'm still quite confused about my direction in life. i kinda lost faith in what i used to strongly believe in. did i change? maybe i did. maybe all i'm doing is trying to undo my beliefs which were based on something false n trying to regain my faith through what is true.
or some people would just say 'lame excuse'.
oh well. u cant please everyone. i hafta concede tt it's not just about me wanting to 'have fun' before i regret it. i so badly wanna believe tt despite me partying n what not, my faith still exists. tt i have not completely let go tt part of me.
i managed to get through tt episode without telling anyone da complete story. now, i dont see da need to talk about it as a form of catharsis. i just dont remember much of it now. i cant remember when exactly i let go. but i could see myself being happy again without being caught in tt trap. i saw tt person again last year. i wasn't even angry or anything. i was just really freaking amused.
with him. well. i still care. i cannot deny it. it does seem better to still have him around. but i'm not ready to fully commit myself n say i want him as my guy. i want him around, to go out with n all tt. but i dont wanna go through da responsibilities n commitments again. i dont wanna care. i think i should stop myself from caring so much.
i came to tt conclusion after what he put me through. it was a fucking complete 180. THAT, fyi, made me lose faith in him n what we had. i'll be honest. it's comforting to have him n to hold him in my arms. but other than tt, "it's good day to u, till da next time." it's pointless to care about da in betweens. fucking pointless. u wanna play dirty. i can too.
*shrug* no. we're not together. but yea, i will still look for u if i wanna go out, get something or whatever. we gotta brush up our own acts n decide later. it's not tt i dont listen to ur words. they just bloody contradict ur actions.
ok. i guess i should have some form of update for my blog. but it's like. who da freakin hell reads my blog anyway?? so yes, i'm lazy. no motivation to actually blog. bummer eh. dis is (as usual) some inane rambling to inject some 'life' into my blog.
oh freak. i've used da word 'blog' like four times.
anyway. i'll try to inject some more spice into dis thang. so for those who actually visit dis, hang in there yeah?
i cant describe what i'm feeling. it's not an acute sense of pain. neither is it total emptiness. i don't exactly desperately long for him. i'm more calm about it now. although i may give in to bouts of crying later on. yes, i do admit i am disappointed with myself for getting into this. i saw the signs but i did not heed them. i had a nagging feeling that i had to go through it to understand more of where i went wrong before. what he said last night did enlighten me somewhat. it was a sort of astute observation which was more properly conveyed. i guess it was a kinda nice thing to wanna help me along. i am grateful for that. i couldnt fully explain to him why i thought i loved him. what attracted me to him. it was his understanding of what i craved for i guess. despite him not meeting my ideal expectations. i cannot deny that he did try. and he did make me happy and introduced me to a life i would have never known otherwise. i may have lost the love. i'm not too sure but right now, the feeling seems diminished and almost gone... this life seems to be all about perceptions. maybe Allah does not intend for me to love him anymore. or maybe it is just His punishment to me. i think i am quite resigned to fate. i guess i am aloof. i am sorry that i am this way. but thank you, Allah nonetheless. i do not believe those four months were for nothing.
there are many things he did which made me upset and angry.
however, he did something nice by staying with me when i realised i lost my wallet just now. he was to go off and meet his friends but he didnt. it was a simple act which i am grateful for. it made me love him a bit more and now i miss him.
am i truly blind to his other traits which shouldve sent me running away long ago?
i dont know. i really dont.
could i? should i?
ditto to previous post. mcr! fwaaaaaargh.
maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. daYmn. love the word. hurhur.
ANYWAY. it just felt odd. quite violated in some ways. i felt toyed with somehow. but then, i allowed myself to be. so, it's my fault. there was a tinge of jealousy. and it confirmed my suspicions. at times, i feel as if he is debauching me. he claimed to not have the capacity to make use of anyone but i got no comfort. he had his doubts and now my own are set even deeper. if he can't make me feel that i'm that special for him to wanna settle down, i don't see the point. *shrug* call me selfish but i think i'm at least entitled to that. personally, i think its bull fucking shit to even want me to believe that the mere suggestion of marriage already implies how special i am.
maybe he IS meant to be one of those men who can handle more than one wife and even be competent at it too. (and i dont mean the carnal kind) dammit. it just made me remember an email i received about the strength of the first wife and all that in allowing her husband to marry a second. in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not realising the good behind the reasoning. if Allah says it is fine, then it is. but me being me. i feel quite marginalised and even denote some form of condescension. (behind his reasoning and not His)
i love him. but if at the start, i'm made to feel small. *shrug* maybe, he truly is not worth it. i even feel like i'm trying too hard to be complaisant about his everything. yea, they talk of the trials and tribulations of love and maybe i should be patient and ride it out. though, i kinda doubt he could offer anymore comfort and reassurances. yes he did say of the so called positive differences. but they seem minor in comparison.
we shall wait and see. but fuck it. i think it's bleak. pardon me, i just dont see a future with us in it right now.
mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.
it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.
i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.
caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.
i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.
i.need.to.get.a.grip.
there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.
fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.
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