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i cant describe what i'm feeling. it's not an acute sense of pain. neither is it total emptiness. i don't exactly desperately long for him. i'm more calm about it now. although i may give in to bouts of crying later on. yes, i do admit i am disappointed with myself for getting into this. i saw the signs but i did not heed them. i had a nagging feeling that i had to go through it to understand more of where i went wrong before. what he said last night did enlighten me somewhat. it was a sort of astute observation which was more properly conveyed. i guess it was a kinda nice thing to wanna help me along. i am grateful for that. i couldnt fully explain to him why i thought i loved him. what attracted me to him. it was his understanding of what i craved for i guess. despite him not meeting my ideal expectations. i cannot deny that he did try. and he did make me happy and introduced me to a life i would have never known otherwise. i may have lost the love. i'm not too sure but right now, the feeling seems diminished and almost gone... this life seems to be all about perceptions. maybe Allah does not intend for me to love him anymore. or maybe it is just His punishment to me. i think i am quite resigned to fate. i guess i am aloof. i am sorry that i am this way. but thank you, Allah nonetheless. i do not believe those four months were for nothing.
there are many things he did which made me upset and angry.
however, he did something nice by staying with me when i realised i lost my wallet just now. he was to go off and meet his friends but he didnt. it was a simple act which i am grateful for. it made me love him a bit more and now i miss him.
am i truly blind to his other traits which shouldve sent me running away long ago?
i dont know. i really dont.
could i? should i?
ditto to previous post. mcr! fwaaaaaargh.
maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. daYmn. love the word. hurhur.
ANYWAY. it just felt odd. quite violated in some ways. i felt toyed with somehow. but then, i allowed myself to be. so, it's my fault. there was a tinge of jealousy. and it confirmed my suspicions. at times, i feel as if he is debauching me. he claimed to not have the capacity to make use of anyone but i got no comfort. he had his doubts and now my own are set even deeper. if he can't make me feel that i'm that special for him to wanna settle down, i don't see the point. *shrug* call me selfish but i think i'm at least entitled to that. personally, i think its bull fucking shit to even want me to believe that the mere suggestion of marriage already implies how special i am.
maybe he IS meant to be one of those men who can handle more than one wife and even be competent at it too. (and i dont mean the carnal kind) dammit. it just made me remember an email i received about the strength of the first wife and all that in allowing her husband to marry a second. in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not realising the good behind the reasoning. if Allah says it is fine, then it is. but me being me. i feel quite marginalised and even denote some form of condescension. (behind his reasoning and not His)
i love him. but if at the start, i'm made to feel small. *shrug* maybe, he truly is not worth it. i even feel like i'm trying too hard to be complaisant about his everything. yea, they talk of the trials and tribulations of love and maybe i should be patient and ride it out. though, i kinda doubt he could offer anymore comfort and reassurances. yes he did say of the so called positive differences. but they seem minor in comparison.
we shall wait and see. but fuck it. i think it's bleak. pardon me, i just dont see a future with us in it right now.
mcr just rocks for their moribund lyrics. fwaaaaaargh.
it has been more than a month. usual reasons apply.
i hate myself sometimes. i've been such a damn sloth. i haven't been getting a grip on myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck. i sense some form of progress. aint much. but it is there. and i must be thankful.
caught a glimpse of the aftermath of last year's tsunami tragedy on cna. i'm a sucker. i like to cry. call me crybaby or what not. but it's my form of release. so yea, the emotions shown on that documentary of sorts just made the tears fall. love lost. literally. how can i match that resilience? how can i match up and get back on my feet and strive on? it was a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts. i felt sorry for those people, i felt their pain, their loss and i felt anguish for being weak.
i screamed and screamed into my pillow. i hated myself for being incompetent. i wanted him to know that i fucking care. i wanted to let it out of my system. fuck it. let me get freaky and go berserk until i calm down. aku tak mengamuk bila kau ungkit tentang kekasih lama. bear with it when i'm like this. i'm unconventional too.
i.need.to.get.a.grip.
there are things i need to go through still. you have to realise that as well. that is why i ask for your patience. i need to catch up on seven years dammit. we have diverse interests with immensely different cultural backgrounds. however, i believe we do have a common thread that we can hold on to.
fuck it. if it comes to that. let me get freaky. and i WILL eventually be ok. if not, i'll set myself aflame in front of your door step.
i'm about to start on a post which isnt entirely negative and isnt after a particularly wretched incident.
as usual, dom's posts have a knack for 'inciting' me to blog. or maybe, he's just better at elucidating his thoughts for (not quite) all and sundry. his post about forgiving and forgetting just reminds me of what i feel as a particularly bad episode in my life some years back. it was totally wretched. i remember the gut wrenching and heart squeezing feelings. i remember the times sprawled on my bedroom floor - me in a tangled mess of hair and tears. hitting my fists against the floor, the cupboard just because i could not handle the twisted miasma of thoughts and emotions i was having. all of those because of ONE person (and many other imaginary ones, come to think of it). the days i skipped school because i could not bear getting out of my room to shower and get dressed. the frustrations. the self doubt. the indignation. fucking hell. it was fucked.
and i'm almost amazed i went through all that. almost because i'm more amused. it is amusing because i actually allowed myself to be subjected to such treatment. oh well. it is a long time ago. (is 3 -4 years long?) maybe not but it was a completely different life then. i'm not sure if i've forgiven the person. i guess not, since i'm not sure. however, does the fact i'm not seeking vengeance mean i forgave the person? i think ive forgotten most aspects of that ordeal. although, there are of course certain places which evoke a certain a memory and certain incidents throughout the 3 year saga which are still etched in my mind. i remember being so bloody violated. i remember being made to feel downright guilty. i remember feeling desperate enough to give in and doing things against my volition just to get attention. i remember feeling so damn angry and cheated. i remember the incident at jp. i remember losing control of my emotions and picking up a fight in public. i remember being with mateen and holding the bank book in the rain. i remember crying my heart out to him and feeling doubly wretched because i was crying to an ex boyfriend and not even a close friend whom i thought should be there for me. so have i actually forgiven and forgotten? i have no idea. i'm ok now. my suicidal tendencies dont come as frequently and i must admit i AM enjoying life a fair bit more now. i guess ive moved on. especially since i didnt feel the need to kick and punch her when i saw her recently (it could be the fact i saw her at the mosque and she was with her mom. cant exactly showcase violent tendencies in a holy place, can i?) . i felt amused seeing her again because i kept thinking - of all places, in the mosque?! but then, i still expect my money to be returned. and i know i wont hesitate to curse and swear at her if i dont see the money in my account. so i ask again, have i actually forgiven and forgotten?
*shrug*
went to rouge friday night despite being sick (down with fever and flu). i know, i shouldve went home straight after the hari raya show but i just wanted to be out and having fun instead of moping and thinking of him. he didnt exactly cause me distress. i just wanted to be free of him i guess. and hey, at i least i found out that rouge with a live band setting was definitely worth my time. better than the other time i went... (sorry del!) krueger was not bad and they were pretty tight as a band. john molina's vocal skills were admittedly pretty good. i was reliving my primary school days of listening to bryan adams, bon jovi, guns 'n roses when they were belting out those rock numbers. a minus point was the fact they played 'the reason' by hoobastank. of which john molina admitted to not liking either. i like hoobastank during the time 'crawling in the dark' came out. so dont accuse me of blindly hating a band or something. all in all, i came down to this conclusion: i definitely dont mind going to rouge again this time round. hahah.
back to him. the day after rouge, i was so sure it was over between us. mainly because it was tiring to be wary and aloof at the same time. life seemed easier before he came along. the feeling of being more or less settled was lacking. i wanted to be happy in the notion that us existed. i like him and all but it was abit trying to be shrewd about who i can reveal about his existence. obviously, all of us have secrets and we all withhold certain aspects of our life to different groups of people. but i didnt wanna withhold certain important things from my close friends just because i feel us can end anytime. and that was when God surprised me. we agreed to meet up that saturday night. and it turned out to be the nicest, most pleasant time i spent with him. finally, i felt it. the feeling of being more or less settled in the relationship. i like the way we talked, joked, jibed at each other and telling each other lil stories of our lives. it was almost sweet. (and if you actually do know me, i dont like to use words such as 'sweet'. so when i do, you'd better believe it was something different.)
i like that saturday night. thank you.
somehow or other, the night often leaves me a sense of foreboding. i guess it has often been that way. (although at this moment, i am freaking amused. hahahaha. my insides are definitely keeling over from laughing so damn much)
i love the guy. so much. but it's such a warped sense of love. i'm currently reading singled out by trisha ashley and i can definitely identify with the main character's wretched feelings. the words used in the book seem to describe my feelings for him quite perfectly. one moment, i can love him so much that i'm willing to accept him leaving me just because i feel tt it's best for us both. another moment, i love him so much because i'm amused about him being frustrated with me.
cock teaser?
i'm sorry, did i just hear you say i should grow up? hey. i love you. but that dont equate to me giving in everytime. certain thangs are important to me when i ask for help or ask for something. the circumstances should be right as well as the emotions in place. i can be practical but i need to feel the right vibe before doing something. you said it before. i'm shrewd. i reveal only what i feel the person should know. and only when i feel i can illicit the best response.
before the somewhat defensive and angry ramblings, i actually felt melancholic and contemplative. i was thinking of him and my previous dealings. they seemed so similar but so unlike as well. i wonder what God is trying to show me. i so badly wanna listen to Him and understand. i do hope to leave this mortal world with some understanding of His realm which He created. i see the similarities and wonder if God is giving me another chance to go through it and learn more comprehensively what is supposed to be learnt. it IS inexplicable but i think it is THE reason (albeit somewhat incomplete) as to WHY i love him so so so much.
i better appreciate the people around me now. i see their differences and try to understand and accept. i may not be living such a great life but i AM thankful that i went down this path. it could have been better and less decadent, i admit. however, no matter how different the lives we lead, our main purpose is to worship the God Who created us.
he doesnt read my blog. but on the very unlikely chance that he does, i want him to know that deep down i really do love him. just that i'm not as willing to act on the feeling. it's good to know that he's also human and that he is affected by me and what i say.
it takes two hands to clap, by. i'm still taking baby steps on certain aspects about us. i'm sorry if i did hurt you but i want you to realise that it's not only you who's not getting his ideal partner. this is our reality and it's not perfect. that's what makes you damn intriguing to me.
you're the knife that pierces and wrenches my heart and soul.
hahah. i just had to have such a header. as a shout out to dom, he has a knack for 'inspiring' me to blog.
simple pleasures?
i am wary of having to be wary all the time. i just wanna be free and believe. it is freaking tiring to be on my toes and avoid those fragile egg shells. hell yeah, it IS a defence mechanism and i admit i will be far more wasted than how i am right now if i didnt utilise it. BUT... *sigh* but nothing..
the thought is worse than the reality.
i worry too much. i think too much. i'm just plain scared. it definitely stems from the fact that i know i dont conform to society's expectations. and it's so much easier (for me, at least) to believe the more negative aspects. (freak. i shouldnt be complaining too much after i included that bit part in.)
his existence as a lesson in my life.
it's almost like a mantra to me. that's what preventing me from just taking that leap to away/ over and done with/ no more pain and wretched thoughts. it's akin to goin' through shit before you get to greener pastures. i wanna go through this and get something invaluable from it. whatever it is, i do pray to not get what i want but what God knows is best for me.
apropos to Aidilfitri, i wanna apologise to everyone who i've encountered in my life and everyone who's encountered my blog (which aint many but isnt the real issue here) . i have committed many sins and this past Ramadhan has been less eventful than i had hoped it to be. i pray to live to experience the next one.
thanks for reading.
disclaimer: this is the title of a dance choreographed by kak lin from teater tari era (era dance theatre). and up till now, i still do not know what it means.
the song for the dance is on repeat mode on my winamp player. hence, the title. it's been giving me ideas for what i wish to include if i were to ever choreograph again. quite lovely, vivid and wild imaginations i have. hurhur.
right now. i'm in a limbo. sort of. i have thangs to do. but i'm just not doing them. i feel so satisfied stuck in my rut of playing stupid games on the pc and listening to dance music. (wake up suhaila!!) i am on the verge of doing thangs i've been wanting to do. BUT. i'm just not getting off my ass and doing them. i need to pri-o-ri-tise. URGH. i'm disgusted with myself sometimes. it's amazing that i'm even blogging right now. i should be doing minutes of a meeting. reply a friend on a project proposal. look out for a certain accessory. edit a song. look for jobs and send out resumes. revise my add math. among other thangs.
aight. aight. some of the thangs on my "to-do" list DO seem frivolous. but i'm not ready to elucidate on them until i'm more certain of the outcome. sigh. the very idea of those possible happenings is akin to efferverscence seen after you add a reactive metal to acid. (haha. i'm tutoring an o level kid in chemistry, ok!) it's very unlike me but i'm almost bubbling with excitement. here, i am. finally, presented with the opportunities to venture into what i was dreaming of a few years ago. but noooooo, i'm being a lazy ass and not doing much about it!
what are those thangs? i apologise. i cannot bring myself to divulge everything just yet. oh gosh. i really hope to accomplish them. i've said it before and i'll say it again. this year has been a revelation of sorts. it's like finally getting out of that coconut shell and getting to live on the outside. these have nothing (or not much) to do with my academic achievements (or not). these seem to deviate from my academic life and more in line with my interests. gosh. am i really that different from my secondary school peers? in retrospect, not exactly. but neither am i pursuing a degree (with honours) and a job related to my qualifications.
back to the dance. wonderful ideas running through my head. of which i do hope will get a chance to be performed and shown to more than lets say five people. these all seem interconnected somehow. my transitional phase. my need for facades (and more blatant ones now). my need to compartmentalise. my blatant disregard for my ownself. remorse over the shit i've done. my inner polar opposites.
he. he, who has been a part of my life for the past month or so. maybe he escalated the process. or maybe his presence just seems to be a catalyst in the turn of events in my life. i realised that most of what i blogged about him seem a tad off. these are MY opinions of him and his actions. either i was wrong or i chose the wrong words to describe what happened between us. quite a bit has happened since my last entry. i lost the love i had for him initially. the love is still there but it's just different. it's inexplicable. i still want him around just for the fact that he intrigues and bewilders me so damn much. in short, life is more interesting with him around. not necessarily less confusing and more stable, mind you.
i didnt change. i wholeheartedly agree with what a close friend said years ago. the essence of who we are still remain despite ever changing ideals and opinions on certain issues. yes, dom. quite a few thangs happened since u last read my blog. but i hope my friends will still accept me despite the superficial changes they see in me.
yeayness.
despite such messed up thoughts and moods. i've reached the conclusion he's not worth my sincerity. but hey. i do believe there's something to be learnt from this. so, i'm still hanging on. although barely by the thread.
anyway. yeayness.
FINALLY gotten the gentarasa video. wahaha. yeayness. like the pekanbaru terikat dance too. plus era's malam kilir jati dance. woohooo. talk about fire of my loins. hurhur.
i'm exuberant.
previous post heading was courtesy of Aiden. this one just above is courtesy of My Chemical Romance.
(that was done in case anyone accuses me of ripping off their lyrics without due credit.)
since the previous post, i met up with him four times after a real downer in the middle of last week. when thangs looked up, i guess we tried to meet up as much as possible before the fasting month.
(on a somewhat lighter note than the rest of this post) i finally went to Home last sat after the freaking Geylang light up. (totally disorganised i swear - but lets not mar this post, shall we?) he did admit he has been bugging me to go for drum & bass way before we met up at zouk. and hey, i finally found out how the ambience is at such a club. it was not too bad. way better than retro night at Dbl O!! (sorry dom) i can get used to it. and he may even be a tad disappointed that i didnt dance. all in all, his friends are a pretty nice bunch. i'm just sorry i was not more sociable. i can be shy sometimes. haha!
i gotta admit, it WAS helluva three weeks of knowing each other. it was like a ping pong match. are we? or are we not? i can feel so damn happy one minute. aloof the next. and quite messed up the minute after. it was mentally and emotionally exhausting. heck, it still is.
i know. i know. why be in a r/ship when it creates such emotional and mental stress on me? for me, it's a sign that i DO care about this r/ship. i cannot deny that he matters to me. i also cannot deny i feel vulnerable next to him. sometimes, i feel like i'm floundering next to him. trying my very best to catch up. hey. i'm 22 and there is still alot for me to learn and go through. there are just some thangs which i need to get used to.
thus, it comes as no surprise that i'm blogging because of some argument/disagreement. i just cant bear to blog about something that makes me happy. it seems fleeting somehow. i realised that it was my fault for being a prat. i tried to apologise but he hasnt responded. and i'm refraining from calling him lest it makes things even worse. i feel so bad and it doesnt help that i'm having cramps.
he's often in my thoughts even when he's made me angry or made me feel just plain lost. i'm glad the fasting month is here because (in his words) it helps slow down the pace of our r/ship and we can better decide where to go from here. i just hope that it'll make thangs all the more clearer for me.
i'm so sorry for what i've said. and i'm sorry i cannot alleviate your pain.
how can one person flood me with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions?
i do not want a repeat of yesteryears. can i trust myself to know that this time round IS different from before? why such a question? simply because my heart is telling me that it IS different where i am now. but somehow, i doubt can i really believe it. yeah. i am full of ambivalence.
who the hell wants to be manipulated? i know i dont. i'm not at the point where all i feel is despair and having the incessant sense of being used. i guess i'm just plain scared. or maybe i'm just one of those people who are NOT meant to be with anyone. i dont freaking know.
i was told my thoughts are fleeting. i wholeheartedly agree. i cant seem to slow down and pinpoint what exactly is the matter and what is the issue which is bugging me big time. right now, i dont even know why i got so annoyed and pissed off just a half hour ago. have i really let down my guard and allowed myself to be extra vulnerable? i dont know how it happened. but i just realised that i care too damn much. i cant be as nonchalant as i used to be. why do i fucking care so much?
is it true then? have i actually fallen?
aight. nothing of much relevance lately. oklah. nothing much of relevance that i'm willing to divulge in full, anyway. furthermore, i'm too embarassed to actually elucidate from the previous post. hahaah. come on, i read my own post all over and i got quite sheepish.
i got quite freaked out yesterday (or should it be the day before yesterday?). lost in my own thoughts and very imagined fears. i acknowledge that i AM often lost and confused. but this time round, i suddenly felt the irrational fear of not being able to believe in myself at all. it was almost as if nothing about me is real. i was just so so so damn scared. i couldnt really explain myself. i was just afraid that i was a right ol' fraud...
"Now the day has come
We are forsaken this time"
- Within Temptation -
i'm feeling a tad poignant, thus the "forsaken" title.
supposedly went clubbing at zouk with dom and friends. (hah! right.) he and his friends obviously went to mambo while del and i went to phuture. hahah. how come it often comes back to just both of us, girl??? all i can say is, thankfully i did meet up the person i was supposed to meet. plus he and his friends were kind enough to look after us as well.
bright colours yesterday at zouk (referring to myself here). wore pastel yellow top and scarf. with a light turquoise bottom. hey, i usually have black in my ensemble. hahah. should've been a kodak moment for me eh? but nah, no pics. aight. main purpose of this blog aint about clubbing at zouk before it closes for renovations next week. it's about the person i met there.
first got to know him through myspace some months back. it's all blurry to me as to how i actually have him on my list in myspace and subsequently on my msn list. (apparently, he noticed the pic where my hand was covering my face in that gpa "photo shoot"). anyway, he was supposed to look for me in phuture without me telling him where i was. i recognised him from pictures on his profile when we bumped into each other on my way out of phuture. (kinda busted the element of surprise) PLUS he was right in my face and staring at me. talk about unnerving. meeting for the first time at the club definitely did not present the opportunity for me to suss him out. at least, he and his friends looked out for del and i. so that was a somewhat positive quality.
did spend some time with him afterwards. i really didnt expect to be taken in by the person. get this, on the back of my mind i was actually thinking, "wot?!?! i'm actually meeting a guy whom i met online...kentalnya!!!" i wont go into overdrive with the "oh-gosh-he-is-so-handsome-i-cant-breathe" shite. precisely because it wasnt like that at all. from the short time we spent time together i felt he was able to address or fill that nagging gap. I..I was surprised that he made me consider possibilities that i absolutely didnt with previous guys. mainly because those guys didnt convince me those possibilities were plausible. it made me wish i could spend more time with him. but it also almost made me wish the encounter didnt happen either.
hell. it was ONE meeting. but the chemistry was almost palpable. and that IS my fear. i dont wish to pursue something which will end up to naught. this time round, it's not the inability to communicate or comprehend each other which is the problem. to me, religion is very much the dampener to this whole thang. hell. the age and education thang weren't even top on my list of cautionary details to consider. and freak, it's like deja vu all over again. religion. (fear of) loving the person that it hurts so much. oh gosh. i AM amused now. maybe it IS a sign. i doubt i can even go on the "lets try to just be friends" jazz. i think i can actually like him too much to even go down that route for now.
on hindsight (and on the bright side), i'm glad we did meet and spent those few hours together. very possibly it is not meant to be. but i'm grateful to him nonetheless. and i do hope that he will meet the right one for him in future.
apologies to those who actually visit this ancient site. i'm too lazy to update. as how my mom would say it, "your heart gotta be in it". and well, my heart hasn't been into the blogging mode. yea, i have time on my hands. but blogging seems to take too much effort at this point of time. hell, i was supposed to upload pics of my pekanbaru trip so that people can see the pics. but i haven't gotten round to doing it. *shrug*
well. since my last entry. i've been to pekanbaru and back. celebrated dom's bday. repaired my pc. caught up on lost. got a new tuition kid. watched boi sakti's 'reminiscing the moon'. and a whole lot of other thangs.
pekanbaru
it was a good experience. i am grateful for abg azmi for giving me the chance to go. the other groups were good. it kinda prompted me to watch other dance performances in singapore. i like how some of the groups had their technique and stamina down pat. it was quite amazing. granted, most of them weren't traditional malay dances or limited themselves to the malay culture. it definitely crossed the line but it was precisely the material for me to ponder over. granted, i didnt watch all the dances or paid attention to everything. but i guess i did take in what i wanted to.
for a moment, i desperately wanted to be better. correction: dance better. it does sound frivolous. but hell, i just wanna be good at something.
it did make me seriously consider choreographing for a moment. however, self-doubt crept in and well.. you get the idea.
dom's bday
we got him cake. del and i got him a nice shirt. (at least WE think it's nice. hurhur) and well he called us wonderful nac ppl. heheh.
boi sakti's ' reminiscing the moon'
woohoo. i liiiiiike!! it wasnt malay dance. it was modern contemporary dance. but it did have malay cultural influences. hey, the man's indonesian. there were definitely elements in that dance which i wished abg azmi incorporated into the 'terikat' dance we brought to pekanbaru. i cant remember all the steps la. but the precision was quite good. it was quite refreshing. the water on the stage. that was real nice. reeeeeal nice. must had quite a big budget. hah! should watch more of such performances i think. keep an open mind. i also realised that choreographers also have a certain similarity in their works. like a trademark move or formation. hmmm.
misc
uh. my mind's drawing a blank. so cant really think of what to type. please remind me to update my blog. hhaha.
i managed to get an ok pic of jim!!!
woohoo! i wasn't excited but hell, i was freaking entertained! this is like late la. but u can't blame a girl who's busy with dance and stuffs. heh. the sound was good. they played well. i guess it was all short cos they couldn't do alot of their crazy shit. they couldn't really extend the whole gig with their antics. so they took it in their stride and just performed their songs. woohoo!! if slipknot could come, could lamb of god come too? hahah. that's asking for too much i think. doubt their fan base is as wide as slipknot's.
hope to like continue. but this is all in the meantime about the gig.
august sixteenth two-oh-oh-five. gosh. will they really be coming? haha. granted i am NOT as excited as i would be, uh lets say, a year ago. i really doubt i'll be disappointed if they didn't come. hahahaha! i won't start with all the derogatory terms to describe slipknot but i guess since i've started listening to others bands, my enthusiasm for them is rather diluted. well. lamb of god was opening for them on some other tour in some other part of the planet. and THAT is one band i know i definitely wanna catch at this period of time. i wanna see randy blythe perform onstage live!!! hurhur.
i know i should be more excited but i'm quite jaded at the moment. *shrug* not exactly looking forward to it but i hope it WILL be an experience. i wonder if i can sneak in my digicam. prolly wont be able to get good shots from where i'll be. but hell. i could try. haha. i think i should start listening again to my slipknot cds. thinking back, the second album was great to have your head thrashing around murderous thoughts. i really wonder why i didn't like it the first time round. i think i was going too soft around that time in my life. haha! i think i was trying to cut down on listening to all the heavy kinda music. well. a leopard never changes its spots, i guess. here, i guess i hafta agree somewhat to what dom posted on his blog on august 11th.
i may not dig slipknot as much now. but i hafta attribute them to helping me somehow re-live and re-enjoy past pleasures. it's funny how i often look back on my life and realise the little things i did to come to this stage. i remember how i gradually stopped going for local gigs, finding out new bands to listen to, buying cds or flipping through music magazines. it is quite amusing really. i was sooo incredibly caught up being 'happy with' someone that i think i kinda lost my sense of self.
i can laugh it off (sorta) because it IS fun right here, right now. i wouldn't have joined PS/Cairnhill if i didn't see it as something to occupy my hopelessly cluttered mind. i wouldn't have gotten to know the people, the activities that i'm doing now. one thing after another. it has been fun and quite uplifting. i wouldn't have known the joys of clubbing. woo hoo! (oklah. this is attributed more to the arts fest peeps.) i wouldn't have gone on to that first gig and got to know the metal guys. (although i don't exactly regard them as my friends. they ARE useful acquaintances when i need metal influence over tarian and hip hop/r&b flavoured clubbing moments.) hurhur. i like the tarian + hip hop/r&b clubbing + metal as fave music genre combination. i like the fact that i have all these influences so that i can take a lil bit from each and have fresh perspectives on thangs.
not to say that life is very good, just that it IS considerably better than before. wheeee. i think i'm still from a shopping spree high. (i went to geylang - not like red light district tau - with mommy and bought tudungs, cloth to make into skirts, dresses and what not) yeah yeah! me happy.
this post has seriously digressed from slipknot. haha! but hey. still tryin to figure out my outfit if they DO come. hurhur. it's like 5pm and i need to rush. dance prac later. slipknot. are you coming?
it has been a miasma of thoughts and emotions. i can't possibly remember every detail and nuance of emotions felt and it'd probably a too long post if i did. so once again, i'm stuck and unsure of where to begin.
it hasn't exactly been a rollercoaster ride. there weren't any too high 'highs' or too low 'lows'. but it has been a mess of contradictory thoughts and conclusions. why can't i put it all simply? *shrug* i have no idea, really. i think it kinda stems from the fact that i cannot be elicit about certain things. i just can't.
i got a bit confused and indignant this past week. i'm kinda starting to doubt myself and starting to feel like an ol' fraud. i've been called selfish and petty these past two weeks. my fears and concerns were belittled. i felt that strange, claustrophobic kinda anxiety just two nights ago. it reminded me of how scared i was during that abysmal, bleak period in my life. i was so so freaked out to the point i got too scared to sleep. it was unnerving.
i tried to discuss it with someone about it but i ended up being called petty for relating such a problem to him. yea i admit i didn't elucidate my fears so i can't really blame the guy for thinking so. but that didn't stop me from feeling kinda indignant and questioning myself and my life. am i really such a selfish petty dumbass? i can't say it turned out to be a bad day for me. i hafta admit, i did realise some stuffs from his reaction. and like what i said to him, every response is an insight to the human psyche. (personally, i'm not sure if he even understood that statement. but then, i probably cannot understand how he could come up with such a wayward response to what i told him. so i guess it's fair)
i thought that guy was different from the rest of The End of Recording studio guys. chiefly because he's older than all of them. and i guess he is more mature in some aspects than the others. however, lately, i realised his mentality is still pretty much like the other guys i've met. i guess education and family background does play a part no matter how old the person is. he came to the wrong conclusion when i reacted to certain things he said and when i told him about certain gripes. and his reaction to my asking for his help was like deja vu. didn't i just experience that with another guy?
it's quite unfortunate. i guess i'm looking for friendship at the wrong places. i guess these guys cannot grasp the idea of a 'platonic relationship between the sexes'. to quote a friend, such guys need to have 'higher order thinking'. i concur. but i guess there are still lots to tweak on my side. i am learning. i am trying to enjoy my life now and make more friends or acquaintances. it is possible that i am trying to enjoy life as how i should have a few years ago. haha. i am amused by all these incidents in my life. i am thankful. and i really hope there is someone out there who can at least share my sentiments.
i know. i know. (seriously, i should stop acknowledging the fact that i dont update my blog often)
anyway. i've been encumbered by these freaking headaches since two or so weeks ago. it has been a literal head throbbing experience. it does not forgive and seeks to make a comeback almost everyday. to the point of knocking on my head twice or thrice in a day.
urgh i hate this.
what can i say? i did go through the drudgery of life as usual. thangs did happen. went for hajar's chalet. slept over yanni's place. watched dvds. went for b-quartet's soft launch of their EP. (love the drumming and singing! hurhur) slept alot. had some mini tarian show. had tarian practices as usual. *yawn* nothing spectacular. however, i finally found out who fazrun is (ok. i so do not know how to spell his name) and what the big hoo-ha is over him becoming the new NUS MS president. hahah. well. he is a very nice guy from the few hours i got to know him.
and well. i guess my head is a miasma of thoughts. dont exactly know where to begin...
oh yes. i bought for myself new specs. YES i succumbed to insert one deadly sin here _______ and got ray ban specs. urgh. what was i thinking?! heh. but yeay. at least my cousins thought this pair is nicer than the previous one. hurhur.
watched 'A Walk To Remember' when i slept over yanni's place last sunday. gosh. i cried! i dunno. i guess i'm too emo. but then, i guess it reminded me of my ability to actually love someone. but not wishing to do so for just any person. it was incredibly sweet and terribly cliche. but dammit, i think this is what alot of girls would want or expect from their special someone. hell. i'm dark and brooding but i STILL think it is my right to be properly taken care of and loved. by someone RESPONSIBLE. to the guys out there who claim to love me. please get a reality check. love is NOT everything if you cannot be responsible enough for your own life.
ended my stint at the National Arts Council. it was a good time in my life. the people were great. but now, onto finding a new job. and i just wanna catch up on lost sleep. it feels so good to sleep in!!! and still keep the late late nights.
new albums out that i wanna get but still haven't gotten. aight. one day. i shall go shopping for cds. and go clubbing with a vengeance! haha!
first thing. too busy la.
second thing. yanni said that this is a 'thinking blog'. so there. HAH!
i skip books often. i'll read one halfway through and switch to another. (depending on how heavy my bag is that day) i still havent finished 'The Unholy Ghost' and started on 'The Talented Mr Ripley'. [ricky darling. I'll return the book to you before you leave aight.] and i actually started on kay jamison's 'Exuberance' before reading 'The Unholy Ghost'. TSK. aaaaaaand guess what? i'm reading 'The Half-Blood Prince' now. yeah yeah. short attention span.
but that's not the point.
i was reading 'The Talented Mr Ripley' and halfway through, things get bad for tom ripley. in short, i was quite gut wrenched and felt myself refusing to continue. i've seen the movie so i have a rough idea of what is to come and i guess i just couldnt bring my mind to go there. it was all fine and dandy and it's as if my mind cannot take the shit and contort that seemingly nice beginning. i know i gotta finish the book but i just dread the ending you know. to go through the rest of the book is almost akin to reliving some very bad memories. why feel so much for a book some may ask. i dunno but i guess i revel in the fact that i have the ability to be moved. what's the point of reading, watching a play, dance performance or what not if you cannot be buoyed into the sweeping emotions? i get quite an unpleasant sensation as the book progresses to the point i HAVE to stop reading every few pages to get a grip on myself. yea that tom ripley is a hell of a manipulator. damn calculative and totally emotionless when it comes to others. it gives me the chills really. it's quite disturbing. period.
i know i got my mood swings and negative thoughts and all that shit. but could i lie outright? just for my own gain no matter what happens to the other party? could i possibly think it's my sole right to get whatever i want, whenever i want it? i may not believe i'm that nice a person but i firmly believe i will not be able to stomach being such a manipulator. hey farida taught me that white lies help oil society. but blatant ones? c'mon. how the hell can you live with yourself? i once knew of someone whom i came to realise is a big fat (hell yeah, she's big and fat) liar and fucking manipulator. this year i found out certain things she told me before were actually blatant lies in her attempt to garner sympathy and all that. she was so successful that i became deeply suspicious of someone who turns out to be one of my closer friends now. then, she made me believe that girl was just out to use her. when in fact, she was the big fat liar using ME. of course there are many other thangs she did - some i cannot recall or some i just cannot be bothered to rake up anymore.
call me naive but it's hard for me to swallow that i can get to know such a person personally in my lifetime. hey, you cannot deny such people exist. but to get close to such a person. *shudder* once is enough, thank you very much. but hey, i could be wrong. she could be a really nice person. (i seriously doubt this but i feel compelled to represent her in a slightly better light) what i can say is, good luck to all of you who have made friends with her. just hope you won't be her next victim. but if you'd rather get her 'love' and 'attention', feel free to stay on and keep being manipulated. i wish you the best of luck.
last week's weak outing turn outs aside, del lets go clubbing with eileen. i wanna see that woman dance! hurhur. hey. she's hot. i'm sure you would agree. :)
apropos the previous post, this is just an extension of my warped imagination.
it seems poignant what i suddenly observed. in death, all prayers count. whether from family, friends, acquaintances, fellow followers of your religion. sometimes, we're too caught up with our emotions that we forget that we cannot dictate what others feel towards us. that person whom you conveniently forgot about may still hold you dear in their hearts. you definitely will not know who remembers you in their prayers.
and that is the scary part. it is everyone's onus to forgive whoever it is that wronged them. and i readily admit that is something i really have to work on. it is scary to realise that seemingly person A (who passed away) did not seem to think much about person B. however person B was really affected by person A's passing because he was someone dear to her. in the end, person B's prayers could be the one helping him out in the afterlife.
but THAT could just be the difference between males and females.
everything here is so fleeting. these are all transient happenings. (ok. this concerns my beliefs of which i know many out there do not share) i will not say i'm badly affected. but i was shocked and i need these thangs to jolt me. i may be gone soon and i still have not done half of what i should be doing. i want to be moved into action. but i feel so passive. my faith has lost its lustre of late. i wish to regain what i felt before and hope to sustain it. i'm reminded of the persons who compelled me to do something. now i am finally free of those trappings of yesteryears and i'm starting to scrutinise myself for my own actions unburdened by the thoughts of others.
am i really at a better place in my life right now? on the offset, i probably am. but i'm just not sure. i do wanna look out for my own happiness. i just hope not at the expense of what truly matters in life on earth.
dear friends, please keep me grounded and smack me in the head once in a while. i probably need a fresh dose of reality every now and then.
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