Amboi..amboi...amboi...

Now I feel tempted to source for Saloma songs.

Anyway, I'm asking myself if this is just another phase. At the same time, I'm telling myself to not angst over it. I wonder if I have actually come to care for EB at that level. We have been chatting for a few occasions now and those have been lovely interactions/conversations.

I hope EB could sense the sincerity behind it and that it's not a "cause for alarm/suspicion". There's so much I want to express but I just don't know if they should be expressed.

First post of 2012!

Where to start? I have been bad at updating. Partly because I was busy and partly because I didn't feel really compelled to pen down my thoughts. Usually that happens when I'm in some reflective mood and I realised for quite a long time I was too angry to really reflect on things.

Rather recently, I have taken to actually writing in a book (like how I used to do quite a bit back in school). I won't publish it here as some things are too personal to be published.

However, this time round I feel moved to blog. After reading through my previous posts, I feel this would be a good thing to do. I am amazed at how much I have moved on and accepted that certain things are just the way they are instead of being angsty about it.

Well on to the matter that has been occupying my mind recently. It has only been a few times and I do not recall how it came to this.

To begin with, I have a tendency to kinda "like" peeps based on my rapport with them, whether they're cute, helpful to me, etc. I have kinda, sorta thought someone was cute for some time but have never really spoken to the person. I had on a few occasions kinda "admitted" to someone else (in a joking manner) that I find EB cute and that I like EB. All this joke-y stuff went on even though I did not really talk to EB apart from some official capacity matters.

But on one occasion that I requested an update on a matter which EB was copied to, I was surprised EB actually followed up instead of leaving it to someone else (who was directed to do it). Hence, we spoke for a bit and at one point of time, it just hit me. At that one moment when I looked into EB's eyes was when I realised how gorgeous EB is. Not gorgeous in the sense of being good looking superficially but a truly genuine person on the inside.

Since EB actually followed up on my request and I somehow managed to get EB's help for more things, we ended up talking more bit by bit. I know myself. Regardless of the person, if I like him or her I would tend to go up to the person more often and talk/joke with them. Once again, it happened in this case. I had so much fun talking with EB that one night we ended up chatting for more than three hours straight.

Of course, I guess we could chat that long precisely because we don't know much about each other and there are lots to ask and find out. On some superficial level, we do have some things in common which are things that make many people attracted to one another in the first place. Reflecting on that night, I realised that if I were younger and have not grown as person because of H, I would've seriously have had a major major crush on EB. Obviously, we have not gone on to important things such as values we hold dearly. Maybe we'll get a chance in future. As it is, I truly like EB as a person and in a way, I do hope we become friends.

And maybe because of race/faith, our very few interactions (in comparison) so far have been more meaningful to me than whatever interactions with BA. Very likely because EB and I had conversations (funny ones!) and tried to get to know each other rather than flirty innuendo and great emotional connection for a few minutes at a time with the latter.

I hope I'm not being "too forward" but it will honestly be awesome if I gain a friend in EB and I'll be honoured if EB were to regard me as friend too. I hope it's not fleeting either as I do know that I get tired of "shiny stuff" quite quickly. On the other hand, even if it ends up being fleeting, I hope that those few interactions brought EB some laughter and happiness as EB did for me.

the "Malay temperament"

The following is based on an fb message sent to a tango friend trying to explain the "dichotomy" of my emotions following one night of tango practica.

Some years back (maybe it was 2009?), I recall a bit of a hoo-ha in the Malay papers over how Malay Muslims in Singapore celebrated Idul Fitri. In a commentary in Berita Harian (or Minggu?), someone was 'puzzled' that Malay Muslims do not celebrate Idul Fitri with joy like the Arabs or other non-Malay Muslims. He felt that other Muslims find the coming of Syawal as a victory after 29/30 days of personal jihad (through fasting and abstaining of the permissible in remembrance of God and be thankful for the life He has given us, etc).

This apparently created a bit of furore amongst some readers who gave their two cents worth through the forum letters. Even Art Fazil contributed an article to Berita Harian/Minggu explaining why Malays feel such profound sadness instead of victorious joy when they hear the Takbir.

In essence, I agree with Art's explanation of the "Malay temperament" (while at the same time also agreeing with some points the original author made). According to Art, (for lack of a better word), we're sensitive souls. That's not to say other races aren't sensitive souls. It's just that I feel it *may* have something to do with Islam and the Malay culture.

I personally feel (in general) Malays have this notion of give and take (probably attributed a lot to Islam). We believe in giving more than taking because we sincerely believe God likes such acts of kindness and it is some form of repayment for the life He has given us. It is this understanding of the existence of something much greater that I feel affects us quite a bit.

In terms of culture, I believe or at least have been taught that Malays are generally defined by our genteel behaviour (without the upper-class association). In our literature, dance, dramas, day-to-day actions, we are never direct. We would always layer our thoughts/intentions to avoid appearing impolite. Maybe this is also how we come to be more sensitive, to be more in tune to what needs to be interpreted.

I guess when culture mixes with religion, you get Malays feeling profound sadness when they hear the Takbir.

How does this relate to tango? From my (short) experience dancing tango for a year or so, it is easier to form a genuine connection in close embrace (CE). The notion of give and take if you will. (Disclaimer: So far at my very beginner level, I have yet to experience that kind of connection with leaders who prefer open embrace (OE)/salon).

While I do enjoy dancing with leaders who prefer OE/salon, I get the feeling that they just wanna show me off executing the moves they can lead. Me being me (believing I should give more than take), give these leaders what they want to the point I feel like a specimen at times. (I'm giving here, where's your give?) I must give them credit though for making me a better dancer (force me to be on my own axis, being patient, be more sensitive to what they want, etc).

On the other hand, just being in CE does not guarantee a genuine connection. As quoted from very tango : "Just because a couple choose to dance in close embrace does not automatically equate to a connection. This is merely form. It is what you give to one another and to the dance, genuinely. This is essence."

I strongly believe in this. This is why in CE, I try to transcend the form and open myself up to the leader. (At the moment, I find it easier to do this in CE rather than OE). At that moment, I am vulnerable. Despite dancing in CE with a few leaders, there have been only a handful experiences where I managed to open myself up to be in that moment with the leader.

That particular practica was one example where I tried to open myself up and be in the moment with a leader (making myself vulnerable in the process) but I never quite got what he wanted to lead me to do.

Yes, I admit overall, it was a good night with a positive vibe where everyone was helping one another. However, because of my few vulnerable moments with that leader, I questioned my abilities because I couldn't feel what he was leading.

It was almost akin to opening yourself up to love someone and trying to give your all but regardless of what you do, it was never enough.

Dramatic I know. Maybe in part because of this "Malay temperament", deep inside I felt like crying despite the good night of dancing. I should say this is also because I'm a huge crybaby. I cry easily over any sob story. I get affected easily in my moments of deep reflection. (Truth: I cried in office once when listening to Maher Zain's 'Thank You Allah'. At that moment, I was truly thankful to Him for the good things in my life regardless how "un-Islamic" they may be.)

So there you go. Maybe it's hard work. Maybe it's my dancing experience (been about 17 years if you include being involved in Malay dance as an ECA back in primary school). Maybe it's the "Malay temperament". Regardless, picking up tango has done wonders for me in Malay dance. Similarly, my understanding of Malay dance has I believe helped me with my tango.

It's been a great few months of dancing. Hopefully, it'll get even better. And hopefully, I can go even further and transcend whatever I feel with dance and be one with God.

note: I just realised I have no posts from 2010 after failing to follow up on one post after attending a Malay arts camp of sorts in early November.

it's just so darn amusing

Maybe I'm getting more cynical in some warped way. Went to St James yesterday after almost a year of not clubbing. It was fun because of (i) the company (PS dancers rawk), (ii) the muuuuzzeeeeek, (iii) the lapse in between clubbing outings, (iv) the absolute hilarity at watching other peeps 'dance', (v) the way some clubbers dole out their suave/seductive moves and (vi) lastly how I just don't give a damn what others think of me (and the moves I make on the dancefloor).

Quite possibly, I've been getting rather comfortable being settled. I find it very fun to take the mickey out of myself and just be plain silly. Don't really care to be a 'lady' and dress up and be all 'adult like'. (I do dress up and make up segala but it's more for myself and not so much cos I'm too embarrassed to be seen by the world sans make up).

Wait, how does this translate to my experience at St James? It was the reminder of how guys try to pick up girls with stupid lines/moves or how girls try to attract guys by being all seductive and what not. I just find it all darn amusing. I guess I'm over that phase of caring too much or wanting attention on me cos I already have someone who wants me warts and all. (However, I admit to going with the flow too much that I sometimes may have misled. And I admit to unashamedly calling attention to myself if I feel like it. - What?) To me, it's not so much the often quoted "whatever happens in the club stays in the club".

It's the notion that all these (apparently) sexual innuendo actually means something. In my head, I go "Fuck, this is hi-larious". I'm not turned on, I'm not impressed, I don't believe a fucking word you say, I don't fucking believe you wanna dance with me just cos you think I dance well. Inside I am laughing. You want me to do/act like this? Sure. I'll just scrutinise your subsequent actions and I laugh even more.

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I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

(part of the lyrics from Your Ex-Lover Is Dead by Stars)

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Everything's fair game for my entertainment, it seems.

Maybe I laugh because I cannot see the sincere intention behind it. Maybe I'm being cynical by thinking it's all fake.

Maybe I should start believing. Then maybe, it won't be so darn amusing anymore.

But too emotionally demanding contemplating the actual plausibility.

Wha..?

i am very gemini

the title above ignited the desire to blog about my thoughts which i've pushed away far too often recently. it's directly lifted from the phrase someone used to describe himself. aptly put.

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as always, it started quite innocently. began with random searches for a program i've been meaning to watch ever since i found out the crew won. rather unsurprisingly, i got hooked after watching the first vid i found of them on yt.

after watching a couple of vids of their routines and various interviews, i know of/recognised four out of the seven because of sytycd. obviously, i'm over at the shallow end quite often and opinions on looks/personality inevitably were formed. thought one of the four is not bad looking (love his jaw line...heh). and was always inexplicably intrigued by another of the four although i never watched his season except for a few clips on yt. out of the remaining three, one caught my eye cos of his 'gentle-giant' vibe. he's one of the two tallest guys among the seven and also the quietest. seems almost shy when he's not dancing onstage.

well, i should think it's pretty obvious who among the three above inspired this post.

yt vids moved to tud-u (to watch full eps) to their webpage to their personal networking sites (twitter, fb, ms, blogs). the almost defining moment was when i read one of his entries on his ms page - an 'open letter of gratitude' to his fans (or as he prefers to call them, his supporters).

many of his words articulated what i've felt for the longest time about myself. the lack of support. the baggage carried throughout much of my life. being so used to being alone in my lonely life. liking, nay thriving in the notion that i'd rather be alone with my thoughts than be alone in a sea of seemingly uncaring human beings. the difficulty in accepting that there are those who genuinely care about me without any ulterior motives.

however, he has been able to let go of any past baggage and accept that (especially more so now in the spotlight) there are many out there who see in him some semblance of a role model. he explained that even though he'll never meet many of these people, he draws strength from their belief in him. his love and appreciation for them is evident in his art - dance, music, poetry.

i found his entry refreshing in that it was quite uncharacteristic of guys in general (you know the "no chick flick moments" thang). somehow it made sense when i found out he's a gemini too.

he continued to astound me as i came across some of his poems from his old blog. coincidentally, he uploaded his old poems on his new blog shortly after. his ability to articulate his feelings is rather amazing. they were so heartfelt.

i couldn't help but tear a little bit inside reading his poems. that familiar constricting feeling in my heart surfaced again and again as i read the poems over and over. past idealistic notions of 'soulmate' and 'true love' erupted again.

i readily admit that when i was single (especially after an emotionally exhausting and abusive relationship - if you can even call it that) i was constantly in despair. the idea of someone out there who's able to love me was just so incredibly unattainable. i was hurting so much questioning my self worth, wondering if there would ever be a human being who'd sincerely love me and for me to sincerely love back.

of course his poems were more hopeful than despondent. however, his hope (and yearning) to be a wonderful person to his future love did resonate. i know that amidst the broken me, there was some vestige of hope that one day i would make someone else happy and that i would be able to live up or even exceed his expectations.

in my vulnerable state, this is one good example of a guy i would immediately be attracted to. (you know, girls and their fantasies.) my longing to find a guy with whom i'd have an instant emotional connection. the one to be my rock. the type to hold you and have a modicum of understanding of your struggle, desire to be the pillar of support for him. the type who can articulate his love for you and also his struggle to love you as perfectly as he can. the type who's able to hold your attention and make you feel like he actually loves being in your company talking to you.

for the longest time, i stubbornly believed that this is the type of guy for me. and even now, i realise they are my weakness. i get totally suckered in by those emotionally-laden words. i get weak in the knees (cliche!). i can just imagine the intensity of the conversations. getting caught up in the vortex of those seemingly deep words. the chemistry of spoken words and unspoken body language between two people who somehow just slipped into a moment of suspended reality.

ironically, the one i'm with right now (nearly four years together, time really passes us by) is the opposite. he finds it amusing when i'm being emo and sappy. he laughs at me when i cry at movies! our inherent incongruent traits is part of the reason why i keep saying he's been the only guy to put up with my shit. hahah!

he's bucket loads of (oftentimes childish) fun and is almost always full of laughter. we crack jokes at each other and the put downs (done in jest) are commonplace. he doesn't sugarcoat his words and tells it as it is.

it's not the sappy emo words which i need. what i needed was intelligent conversation! he isn't a rock for me to cling on. he toughened me up to be my own rock. being with him showed me that sometimes, emotional connection just isn't instant. it took us more than a year to get our groove on and quite possibly two years to find that equilibrium of trust, love and space apart.

talking about love, he made me realise i don't have to be so angsty about it. the important thing is knowing very well what kind of love it is. i've come to accept the sincerity of an ex who i can finally believe to be a good friend of mine. i've always loved him but it was only recently that i've made peace with that love. tying back to the gemini guy above, i can understand how he can treat unknown people as friends he will remember always. isn't it beautiful to fill your heart with love for those who remember you in their thoughts/look up to you/defend you regardless of whether you know them or not?

yes, i can be quite fan-girly about my so-called obsessions. although this latest one embodies a deeper fascination which hits closer to home. however, despite the seeming shallowness, i am just very thankful that somehow, someway it made me appreciate even more the greatness of the Almighty. through the words and actions of some faraway pinoy american, He reminded me how i should be thankful at how i progressed through life these past few years. He made me reflect on how as a couple (h and i), has progressed. He made me remember that sometimes what we wish for are not the best for us and that He knows what are. i am glad that He made me aware of my weakness which i hope i won't fall prey to.

I'll end this off with a poem created by the latest 'obsession'. Taken from his blog.

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To My Love

I wonder where you are .
And what you’ve written so far .
Your life story is an enchantment to me
In knowing I will someday be part of it .

You don’t know who I am . Or where I am .
It could be a long time before you find out .
These city lights may never shine your way .
Your symphony might lay unwritten; and your song left silent .
But I will be a blessed man to earn the honor of making you smile .

I’ll live for you before you know it .
The sun won’t ever set on my virtue .
All I have is enough time to improve myself
And ultimately rival the horizon of your elegance .

These days will inevitably become the past .
And we’ll sit and talk about them sometime .
By then, any memories of days when you felt lonely will disperse .
Because you’ll know even then, I was out here .
Working hard to somehow . someday . gain the unfailing ability
To promise you happiness before you know it .

You’ll be a part of my life before you realize I’m even living .
I have faith that you exist . You’re here in my reality somewhere .
And I know I won’t be imagining you forever .
You’re going to be wonderful .
So I need to be that, too .

I can’t paint your picture . Or assemble your image .
Your existence shatters the capacity of my expectations
And I couldn’t even compose a fiction beyond your marvel
If I had an infinite power of boundless exaggeration .

You’re going to change what I believe in life and love .
And what I believe I love about life .
Regardless of how I prepare, I don’t think I’ll ever truly be ready
For that first moment your eyes strike me frozen .
Truly, that will be both the defeat and victory of my spirit .

I’ll have to find a thousand new ways to express myself .
You’ll have me frequently distracted, disoriented, and speechless .
But never regretful to find myself that way .

I used to think that I’d be able to write the most captivating poem
About you . After I know you better .

However, once I finally meet you, I doubt I’ll write anything .
Because everything about you, will be beautifully unexplainable .

So I’m going to spend my time writing for you now .
Until these words grow to fail in value .
At the mercy of your truth .