...

i cant describe what i'm feeling. it's not an acute sense of pain. neither is it total emptiness. i don't exactly desperately long for him. i'm more calm about it now. although i may give in to bouts of crying later on. yes, i do admit i am disappointed with myself for getting into this. i saw the signs but i did not heed them. i had a nagging feeling that i had to go through it to understand more of where i went wrong before. what he said last night did enlighten me somewhat. it was a sort of astute observation which was more properly conveyed. i guess it was a kinda nice thing to wanna help me along. i am grateful for that. i couldnt fully explain to him why i thought i loved him. what attracted me to him. it was his understanding of what i craved for i guess. despite him not meeting my ideal expectations. i cannot deny that he did try. and he did make me happy and introduced me to a life i would have never known otherwise. i may have lost the love. i'm not too sure but right now, the feeling seems diminished and almost gone... this life seems to be all about perceptions. maybe Allah does not intend for me to love him anymore. or maybe it is just His punishment to me. i think i am quite resigned to fate. i guess i am aloof. i am sorry that i am this way. but thank you, Allah nonetheless. i do not believe those four months were for nothing.